I Love ... (?) ... You

Can you imagine what our world will be like if everyone did anything and everything he/she pleases? Perhaps, to some extent, this is already a widespread way of living in our world today. And what do we have? Pain, more pain, increasing pain... So much brokenness. Rampant brokenness. Brokenness played down by a so-called 'resilience' which, unmasked, reveals fear and helplessness. A mess that we can only stare at helplessly. Speechless.

People do anything and everything they please because they have no regard for anyone else and it isn't hard to understand why. Why should I care for anyone when I myself am suffering, when I am being ill-treated, when I am not cared for? Why should I bother how people feel? Why should I help another at my own expense, and inconvenience myself? To each his own...! I fend for myself. If I don't, who will? 

But who is bullying us, who is removing the care for one another, who is causing our sufferings? Isn't the biggest culprit the absence of true love? True love, distorted, repackaged and sold cheaply in the marketplace to reach the masses? 

How often do we mean 'I love me first, then you' when we say 'I love ... ... you'? Perhaps, we aren't even aware of the strength of the 'I' in ourselves. Perhaps, we know... but not the full extent of it. Perhaps, we  really do know and are already working to minimise this 'I'. And why do I keep going on about this 'I'? Because true love has no 'I'... only 'other'. 

Those who have stuck on in their marriage, in their priestly and religious vocations... not just for the sake of keeping everything status quo, in name, but truly to live out these vocations... these are the ones who are daily fighting against all odds to deny this 'I', renouncing self, taking up the cross and following the One who emptied Himself completely for others, for us. And what happened to this Person? He died on the cross. True love comes with a price... the purer and deeper the love, the bigger the price... but it doesn't end here in such a morbid state. The bigger the price paid, the more glorious the resurrection. True love nourishes our souls, giving us a happiness that is real and lasting. And are we not, in all our searching and seeking, in all our trials and errors of what to do with our lives, looking for happiness of some sort? True love isn't without pain... but it is a different kind of pain; a pain that builds us up rather than destroy, a pain that affirms us that we have fought the good fight and have returned victorious. 

But if we are so unloved and going through so much sufferings because of all the hurts people inflict on us, how can we love anyone? We're so broken ourselves. To be loved, to be embraced, to be healed, assured and affirmed, to be restored to wholeness... We need to go to the Fountain of everlasting love, the Source of love - God. To be filled with the most secure love, to be renewed, refreshed, to be brought to restful waters and have our drooping spirits uplifted and revived. 

To know in theory makes no difference to anyone's life until we actively seek this Living Water... 

What kind of love do you want to settle for? 

1709h

Finding God in the Marketplace of My School

I thank God for those sweet and thoughtful students I have;
They convince me of the glimmer of hope amidst disappointments, love amidst indifference.
They are the hands through which God embraces me in His love.

I thank God for those less wonderful, hardworking and brilliant students I have;
They highlight my limitations, and teach me patience, perseverance and compassion. 
They are the moulds in which God shapes my love for Him.

Today, I thank God for all of them, forgive those who have made life difficult, and pray for God's abundant blessings and guidance upon them.

Where is God in your life today?

2106h

Under a Big Tree

source

Have you ever had a person(s) in your life who was, to you, like a big tree? 

A person who gave shelter from the scorching Sun, one whose big broad branches gave good comforting shade, one who stays put where he is, well-grounded, like a tree rooted firmly to the ground and whenever you returned to that spot, you'd find him there, always there? One whose presence is non-threatening, easing and assuring, never putting pressure upon you, never expecting you to be any different from who you are at that moment? Always allowing you to come as you are, staying by you with unfailing support?

Have you ever shared a relationship with such a person who is likened to this big tree? 

What a blessing it is to have shared in such a God-given relationship.

Who, then, in our lives, can we now be that big tree to?

11.18pm

The Petrol Kiosk

Jesus has this thing about asking of people what is humanly impossible. 
He asks of us to renounce ourselves, take up our cross and follow Him. Just as He emptied Himself of everything, we are called to empty ourselves too. To be detached from every attachment so as to attach ourselves completely to Him.
He says that His yoke is easy and His burden is light but more often than not, why do I find that it is heavier and far more difficult than what I can bear? At least... when I am running on self-fuel mode. 

Have you also encountered similar struggles? Stuck between having to let go and wanting to hold on? Stuck between wanting your way and knowing that you will have to eventually give in somehow? A tug-of-war between resisting and surrendering.

If surrender wins and we are off our "self-fuel" mode and onto "God-fuel" mode, then be sure that all graces necessary will be granted to aid us in whatever situation we are in. What was humanly impossible is made divinely possible. 

The question now is embedded in our choice - will I trust enough to surrender? To renounce, to follow, to bear the pain...? Will I really be alright not having my way?

On the Busy Streets of Ho Chi Minh - Part I

Have you ever been a passenger on a motorcycle? If you ever had such an experience, what were your feelings, and if you never had, how do you think you would you possibly feel as a pillion passenger? I was not exactly pleasantly surprised when Sr. Anna, Superior of a Franciscan Missionaries of Mary (FMM) community in Ho Chi Minh, came to pick me from the airport on her bike. I have never rode on one and never had the intention of doing so. How was I to place my luggage? How would I balance while holding onto it? There was no time to think. It's just hopping on and let's go... I felt awkward, scared and was praying hard not to fall off. But the bike ride was more insightful than I could ever have imagined. 

I began to look more closely at my fears. I was no longer in control of my life, that is if my life was ever in my control to begin with. Where the rider turned, how she turned, at what angle, how fast she rode, when she break and accelerated, how near she went to the other vehicles on the road and how fast she could react to avoid being knocked by any of the many other bikes on the road... all were beyond my control. My life became dependent on the skill of the rider. And it was so striking because I could see the parallel with my spiritual journey and with life. 

How often does the control over our lives get shifted into the hands of another. Our performance bonus may not depend on the amount of work we have done as it is on the favour we have won from the boss. Diseases seem to have an upper hand in deciding the amount of time we have left on earth. A patient in the operating theatre has his life in the hands of his surgeons. In all these situations, the constant is uncertainties, fear and anxieties, because we can no longer influence or map out the outcome. Clearly, in our lives, as much as we think we are, we are really not the riders as much as we are the pillion passengers. 

And as passengers, how safely we arrive at our destinations depends on who we are riding behind.
Is this rider a safe and law-abiding road user? How many years of experience has he? And if we were to conduct an interview to hire a resident rider to drive us around everyday, these are the questions we will probably ask on top of his accident records. We want to minimise our risk of accidents by narrowing down our candidates to the one we deem as most reliable and trustworthy in his riding skills and in character. The one who best fits the job. 

And which leads me to the question "Who am I riding behind on the road of my life?" Who may you be a passenger to on the road of your life? 
Into whose hands have we entrusted our lives to?
Have we held onto life in our own hands, have we placed ourselves into the hands of money, status, a certain person like our spouse or children? 
Who drives the vehicle of your life? Who holds the steering wheel of your life?

On the last day of my stay, on the way to the airport, I was riding behind the same Sr. Anna on the same bike. And what a stark contrast it was in my experience as a passenger. I was no longer afraid, worried or tensed up. I still prayed but with confidence that I am in the safe hands of God and Sr. Anna. I began to look around at the scenery instead of trying to jut my head out to look ahead. I closed my eyes at one point and felt the breeze upon my face. I was at ease.  

What caused this change?
In those few days of living with the rider, I came to know who she is as a person. My personal encounters with her convinced me that she treasures life and knows what is important in any situation. I could trust her that in a crisis, she will not abandon me for the safety of herself. 

On the busy streets of our lives, who are we riding behind? 
Is it God? 
He who has an accident-free record, who is so completely reliable because His love for us holds us safe. He who places us above Himself when He decided to forego His glory for our eternal life. The Father who forgets His dignity as a Father, as God, and runs out to welcome us home. The One who parted with His Beloved Son to bring us back to His side. Can there possibly be another rider who can give us more security? The more we come to know this Rider, the more we can sit securely behind Him.

Who are the riders you are seated behind?
Where are you headed towards? 
Have your rider(s) gotten you lost on the busy streets of your life?

20 August 2012
1358

Fixated Eyes

We have a practice in school whereby to get the pupils' attention, the teacher would say, "Eyes on me." And the pupils are supposed to reply, "All eyes on you." After which, they are supposed to look at the teacher and focus. No distractions, no more talking. Listen to the teacher. 

Today's Gospel is the familiar scene of Jesus and Peter walking on water. Jesus told Peter, "Come." And Peter did. He walked on the water towards Jesus. He, as human as you and I are, defied all known Scientific principles, went against what was natural - to fall straight down into the water. This is a marvellous gift of affirmation for us because it shows us what faith in God can do. 

But when the wind blew, Peter felt it and started to fear. He began to sink. Isn't this so familiar to us? We are told to have faith in Jesus but when a fight occurs at home, when a relationship is broken, when the doctor brings us unpleasant news of our health, when a job is lost or when an examination is failed, we see the realness of the situation and we can no longer identify with this faith in Jesus. We lose hope, feel helpless and anxious, and we see nothing but dead ends. We, like Peter, begin to fear as soon as we are hit with the reality of our frightful situations. 

But yet again, isn't it so wonderful and comforting to know that even though we fall short of Jesus's call to faith, even though we doubt in Him, Jesus knows we need help and like He did to Peter when the latter called out to Him, He stretched out His hand and grabbed hold of Peter, prevented him from sinking and drowning in the stormy sea. We need not be perfect to win God's love and help. 

In all situations, if our sight is fixed upon Jesus, upon His glorious resurrection, His infinite compassion for us, need we fear anything? But fear comes in when our focus waivers and shifts away from Him, so much so that our eyes see the threats and can no longer see the God we know. Our minds and hearts take after what lies in our eyes. 

Today, our Gospel calls us to fix our eyes upon Jesus, our minds and our hearts.

Which brings to mind a song. 

Instrumental version 

- http://www.youtube.com/user/howlegh1?v=bsD1-YsvGV0&feature=pyv&ad=9549801273&kw=turn%20your%20eyes%20upon%20jesus

With lyrics [Alan Jackson]

- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nO4uIyz_d90

Patience made Easier

Patience. A rather difficult feat, and still growing in its level of difficulty as each day passes. Impatience within the family, at school, at work, at the marketplace, at the malls, on the roads especially. We may try very hard to be patient but before long, we break and we snap, we horn, we curse, we scold. An argument results, disharmony in the family, hurtful words hurled with no turning back. Regret and remorse are left when the spurt of frustration dissipates. Discouraged, we try to find some strength to convince ourselves to do better next time. But why this lack of patience? This lack of love? 

Impatience, like sadness and anger, is a telling sign that something does not sit quite right within us. It could be work stress that is telling us that our bodies and minds have been ill-treated. It could be a person who have hurt us in the past and without knowing it, some resentment is still lurking around in some corner of our hearts. Whatever the cause, impatience seems to point towards a disharmony, a lack of peace in our relationship - with ourselves, with God, with fellow men. 

And when faced with such a disharmony, it is futile to just suppress our frustrations and simply tell ourselves to try again the next time. This method, though quick and easy, does not arrest the problem at its deeper, underlying cause. We are just pretending to be alright.

At this point, it might be helpful to recall one or more incidents in which you lost your patience. 

One of the possible ways to curb impatience might be forgiveness rather than suppression. And it might well be a very important prayer component throughout each day. 

Besides doing an examination of conscience and seeking God's forgiveness for the wrong done and the good undone for the day, perhaps, this whole issue of forgiveness needs to take both directions - of looking at the areas I need forgiveness and of looking at the areas I need to grant forgiveness. After all, we cannot pray the Our Father with "...forgive us our trespasses and lead us not into temptations..." Jesus taught us in the prayer, "... forgive us our trespasses as WE FORGIVE those who trespassed against us..." Both are taken as one entity. We are asking that God forgives us in the same way as we forgive others. 

When we have forgiven and let go of the hurt, the resentment, and pushing the 'reset' button in our relationships, only then can we be patient with one another because there is no more accumulated animosity. Each encounter becomes a fresh encounter. Isn't it true that most of our arguments are powered out of proportion by built-up frustrations, be it with the person we are arguing or with others in unrelated incidents, or perhaps, even with ourselves? And at times, the person we need most to forgive is ourselves. Times when we wanted to do better but did not, when we fall short. If we are not even secure and at peace with ourselves, holding onto so much tension, how can we be at peace in any other relationship? How can there be understanding and kindness?

Often, we do not really bring to awareness our unpleasant feelings, let alone the ones who may have caused them. Without this awareness, we cannot possibly make that deliberate act to forgive the person. Thus, in prayer, and in fact, throughout the day, we must at least have brief moments of bringing our attention to the inner most part of our beings, get in touch with the feelings that lie so unnoticed, and see if there is anyone we need to forgive. Praying for God's grace to forgive, we let go of the hurts and restore the peace in our hearts. 

We are not born into this world as impatient beings. Perhaps, if we find it in our hearts the courage and love to forgive truly those who have hurt us, we might find that patience isn't all too impossible after all.  

The Culture of Our Family

Today's readings (Jeremiah 26:11-16,24) and Gospel (Matthew 14:1-12) tell about two people who spoke the truth - John the Baptist and Jeremiah. 

John spoke up against the sin of Herod taking his brother's wife. Surely, it is not pleasing to the deliberate sinner to hear of his own sin. While Herod was afraid to put John to death, Herodias was not. She hated John for laying out so openly the sin she refused to turn away from. She could not stand the light that John shone on her darkness. Wanting to remain in her darkness, she had the head of the Baptist on a platter. She snuffed out the light that made her bare. 

Jeremiah was close to being put to death by the priests and prophets for pointing out the truth of their sinfulness and the anger of God. Pride masks darkness and lies to avoid the light. Not wanting to hear that they are wrong. Not wanting to change for the better. Not wanting to admit their inadequacies. Can such hearts come before God in sincerity? These so called ministers of the law and truth.

Light or darkness?

Truth or lie?

Do we not have to choose one over the other everyday of our lives? 

And which have we been choosing?

Have our choices been conditional on the price attached? 

If it is not too easy to choose the truth, then maybe I will speak the opposite this time. God will understand my reasons.

If the truth is going to land me in trouble because of a mistake I made, then... better not. It will be disastrous if the truth is out. 

If the truth is going to be difficult for the other person to accept, then I had better find a way to make it diluted so it does not come across too harsh. What if the person cannot take it? 

Rejection, persecution, insult, etc and in the cases of our readings today, death. These are the consequences of upholding the truth. To what extent are we prepared to accept them in our daily Christian living? 

Beyond the choice between telling a truth or a lie is the choice between living the Truth or the lie. And the only mode to living the Truth is that of our deeds. Upholding the Truth, that is Jesus Himself. Being a witness of His love and mercy, compassion and faithfulness by being these to others, bringing these values to the world. Being a witness that He is our God, the one true God, who came to invite us into the Family of the Trinity. And being family, to reflect what this Family stands for, to stand for what Jesus has shown us to stand for. Or have we been afraid of the consequences this may bring? The sacrifices and sufferings it may cost us?

Those who have gone before us and who have stood firm on the path of righteousness have now been united into the Family of God. John the Baptist, Jeremiah, and others...

Now is our time, our turn.

How may you more deeply embed yourself into your true Family today and every day?

04 August 2012, Saturday

Authority - Not Easy & Casual at all

One of the reasons that accounts for the sufferings in the world, and I believe it is a major reason, is the misuse and under-use of authority. And this is also the reason why the death sentence of Jesus could pass through Pilate. The people knew well how to manipulate Pilate, just like how satan always attacks at our points of weakness. 

Fear of losing a position of authority

Thus, to safeguard this position, compromises are being made. Giving in to the masses. Gaining approval rather than standing by righteousness. Afraid of making a stand, afraid to offend, fearing rejection, insecurities. 

Lack of sound and solid values needed to make difficult decisions as one in authority 

The greater the authority, the greater the responsibility. How often do we find unwise leaders. Leaders who are precisely fearful of losing their positions because their values are not sound to begin with. They are self-centred and thus, making their decisions wise to themselves but unwise to everyone else. 

Being in authority and really thinking one is lord over all

Authority blown out of proportion. Unleashing the hidden evilness of a person, the insecurity now swings to the other extreme. 

Look at our society today. Suffering is rampant - in the poor as well as in the rich, and in the average folks. Suffering known AND suffering UNknown.

The poor suffer from starvation, oppression. Made to feel lesser than a human being because of the more powerful. Governments are corrupted, reserving the best and the majority for themselves, leaving their people in a sorrowful plight. Authority given to them is misused for their own betterment rather than for the common good. Authority, like that of Pilate, given to them from above.

The poor are forced into cheap labour for their survival. By who? By the rich who refuse to share their wealth. Those in authority in huge multinational companies. Authority given to them is misused. They are the ones who can affect the poor most effectively but then, profit is key. They think they are the privileged ones, the blessed because they have more. But they do not see the curse because they have failed to be brother and sister to our Lord. They have no idea what awaits them. 

The average folks I see around me like parents have gotten their sense of authority all upside down. Authority is given to parents to bring up their children, educate them in the way of truth and goodness. But instead, many parents now live under the authority of their children. One parent emailed me, "I wanted to speak to him (her son) about your feedback this morning but he wasn't in a good mood to talk to me." A child needs to be in a good mood before he speaks with his own mother? Authority given to parents is distorted because parents cannot afford the time and energy, parents are more insecure these days, and they need to constantly "win" the approval of their children. They fear most the truth that they are not doing enough and not doing what is right for their children. Parent-child relationships have become friendships as a result, and herein lies the complete distortion of rightful authority.

Without knowing, many are suffering. The educated, the rich, the middle class, ... we too are suffering, even though the type of suffering is not as explicit as those of the poor and sick. Lest we think we are the superior lot. 

We suffer because with all these distortions of the truth, of what being in authority truly means, and underlying this, of what true love really is, we are deviating further and further away from the image and likeness of God. There canNOT be peace in our hearts, nor joy or fulfilment. Our souls are crying out for its Maker but it is too weak a cry amidst the many loud noises that surround us. We find it harder and harder to understand and believe in the love of God because we have redefined love to make God's love stupid, illogical and not applicable in today's world. 

Greed, pride, individualism. 

Being in authority spells better life for myself and family. 

But intelligent as we are, we market ourselves to be in authority by using the big magnanimous name of the common good. We actually DO know what is needed to be done for the common good. But we have chosen not to carry out these promises when we have taken our seat as chairman, as president, etc. 

In everyday lives, we too, no matter how small, are given authority. Our conscience, intellect and will have been given authority over our feelings too. Do we choose to act on impulse instead? 

We have been given authority over our wealth. What do we do with this authority? Do we share or hog? Do we need a beggar to ring our door bells, ask for bread before we take it out to share or can we already hear the cry of the poor from afar in our borderless world? What do we spend on? Necessity or vanity?

We have been given authority over our lips. What do we say? Are we life-giving? Do we give Jesus to one another in what we say? Do we speak His language of love? 

Authority over our eyes and ears. What do we choose to set our eyes on? What do we choose to listen to? Our hands and feet. Our feet can walk to church, to the casino, to the pubs. Our time. What do we do with our time? Own pleasures or to enrich ourselves and the lives of others? 

There are people who are not given such authorities. Those who are blind, those lame and deaf to name a few. We who have must learn to exercise our authority responsibly as God has taught us to.

How are you exercising your authority given to you from above?

What are you doing with your authority?

16 July 2012, Monday

S. John Vianney Prayer

Accessibility

adapted from a conversation...

based on an insight in Italy

ACCESSIBLE. 

As people serving the Lord, we must be accessible to all. Not selective accessibility. Our lives must be  completely public. To those who we like and those who we don't. With no preference. Even in moments we feel most uncomfortable. 

Because people need the Lord and we want to be that bridge to make God accessible to them too. I believe that is why we are set apart, not because we are special but because we have been chosen to play that role. Our own baggages and (what I call) our quirkiness must not stand in the way between God and us, God and others. Being accessible requires me to "be love", requires me to "be rooted in the image and likeness of God", requires my constant dying.

When I think of the Church in this aspect of accessibility... 

Theology, 'chim' as it has been put, must be made available also to the uneducated. God came for all. Many shun away from Theology because reading those words strung together so profoundly makes no sense to the ordinary folks. The history, the Church's traditions, the significances of many things we do, need to be made accessible and communicated to people, brought to their attention. The Church at times might be too organisational where information is held at the top levels. In a family, everyone is in the know of what is happening. Our Catholic family is not made up of people who are always enthusiastic and proactive in finding out more. But this does not mean that when told, they will turn a deaf ear. In fact, telling people more about our Catholic family might actually stir up an increasing interest towards the family and might even help them feel more belonged and involved. Who knows?

These are personal sentiments

I do not speak for the Church or for anyone else

Love

Love is not giving.
Love is BEING.
Love is being rooted in the image and likeness of God.
Love is sowing joy in the garden of my brother and sister.
Love is becoming.


This is what Fr. Iyassu told me today. 
I need God's grace to take my understanding of these to a deeper level.


08 July 2012, Sunday

Broken Glass

A vase is broken. The easiest thing to do is to throw it away and buy another to replace it. But if this vase is one of a kind, special and has sentimental value to us, no other similar vase can replace it. We can painstakingly use glue to rejoin all the broken pieces but it can never look beautiful again with all its crack lines. If we are skilled, we can meltdown the glass and remake the vase. Although it may not be exactly the same as before, it contains in it the same substance as before. And being of the same substance, we can still relate to it sentimentally as we did previously. But how many of us know about glass making? 

source

Today's homily was about being rejected and hurt. What do we do? This topic is relevant to every human person who has ever lived alongside another person. We are all sinful and capable of inflicting hurt on one another. We are insecure and vulnerable creatures, subjected to the hurts of others too. So what do we do with our wounded hearts? How do we find joy and peace again? How do we restore the wholeness of our broken hearts? 


Like the broken vase, the easiest solution is the first - quick, indifference, move on. Plainly ignores the natural occurrence of our emotions. Escapism. Can a heart be so swiftly replaced? Only if we were never quite connected with it anyway. 


Or like the second solution, we could force the broken pieces to hold still in its place by plastering them into place. The glue may cover the lines but because the glue is visible, it becomes the most visible scars that will never go away. Time will heal. That's what people say. We force it over time to 'heal' by 'covering up', by suppression. What a heavy burden. A walking time bomb waiting to explode at the first instant of stress. 


The third. Passing on our hearts to the skilled Craftsman since we are not one ourselves. He who knows our broken hearts because His heart is broken too. Rejection, insult, hurt, betrayal, abandonment, accusations... He has experienced them all. Why will He not know what it feels like? Why will He not know how we feel? In all these, we are never alone. Even if the entire human kind does not understand us, He does. And He will know how best to mend the brokenness. Isn't that the greatest comfort? The one and only Craftsman... Surely, we can entrust our brokenness to Him. 


07 July 2012, Saturday

Prayer - Pulsating with You

My Jesus,

Help me to know Your heart.

I do not ask to know Your mind nor Your plans

But only Your heart.

To know what pleases You,

what brings You joy,

what makes You upset,

what lies there in Your Sacred Heart.

And with this intimate knowing,

let my heart beat as one with Yours.

To know Your desires

and make them my own.

To know Your mission

and make it my own.

To understand Your thirst for souls

so that I may not condemn

but extend out my hand on Your behalf

just as You extended Yours to me.

Lord,

Help me to love You more each day

till that one day when at last,

my heart may fully pulsate with Yours

in perfect union and harmony.

Amen.

06 July 2012, Friday

I am Somebody

My life is worth living even though it still includes many mundane routines, even though there are still meaningless and useless activities I engage in.


My life has a purpose even though I still do not know where I am to be in relation to the world I live in, 
even though I do not see the fruits of my labour.


My life has a direction even though I am clueless about what lies ahead, even though I feel lost most of the time.


My life is reason for my rejoicing even though there are moments of pain and sadness, 
even though I do not feel that gratitude and joy all the time. 


I love my life
When I place my consciousness in the realisation 
of God's labour in my life
of the miracles He has done for me
of God's love in the blueprint of my life


And then
I am assured that I am not forgotten
That I am not without help
I am convinced that I must surely be somebody and not a nobody
For Someone to love me this much


And at last
In wonderment and gratitude
I thank God for this life He's given to me
And I will exchange nothing of it for anything in this world.


Can you see God in your life too? 


2 July 2012 Monday