Do you recall the time when you were still a child? What would your parents' reaction be when they found out you did something wrong, whether it was accidental or deliberate? What would your teachers' reaction be?
I find it very difficult and perhaps even impossible to recall a time when I received a reaction that was anything less than anger and disappointment. There were times too when I even thought to myself that I would not be forgiven again this time and there was no way I could redeem myself from the wrong I had done. On top of facing the anger and disappointment of the one I had offended, I was often plagued with guilt, self-blame and disappointment with my own self. And it was only when I glimpsed some hope, when this person reverted back to the normal way of talking and relating with me that I eased up, heaved a sigh of relief and got energised and affirmed again that I could start anew.
Over the years, I became conditioned. Conditioned to the ways of the world. If I did something wrong, if I behaved in a less than pleasing manner, I would be frowned upon. Faulted, blamed. Unlovable. I cannot be lovable when I am not good, when I fail to meet expectations.
And how naturally do I bring this conditioned understanding of cause-and-effect into my relationship with God. How often do I find myself trapped in my unbelief that God can continue to smile and delight in me when I am anything but pleasing. How often do I shun away from His love because I cannot relate with the reality of who God is - that despite my ugliness and faults, He still loves me and smiles at me. A reality that turned upside down my understanding of human functioning, defined by the ways of the world. Forgetting that His is Divine functioning. No anger, no questions, no blame, no disappointments. Only love, only hope, only patience and understanding... 1 Cor 13. Only the invitation to return to His side though He has not left me one bit.
This Divine functioning. Completely radical and beyond human understanding. It makes all that is illogical logical. And I need to allow Him to recondition me so that I may no longer be lost in my own disappointments and be held captive by my doubts towards His ever-smiling face. I can live free and secure in the love that compels my God to run out to meet me along my journey back to Him... Lk 15.
Do you also experience blockages in your relationship with God because of your upbringing and life experiences? How can you allow Him to recondition your understanding of Divine functioning?