Every-Moment-Yes

On Holy Saturday...

My faithful God, 

when You gaze at the far less faithful me, 

what do You see that I do not see?

Which makes You trust in me far more than the hope 

I see in myself, 

rejoice in me far more than I am pleased with myself, 

love me far more than I appreciate the person I am?

You hold me bigger than I do myself

not because I am bigger but that You, my infinite God, 

are far beyond me. 

Your eyes see not my current state. 

Instead, You know Your authority over the movements of my heart.

And You see me from the reality of Your power.

My daily preoccupations add nothing to Your royalty.

And my own impatience becomes a fool before Your eternity.

All my frailties, like the whole of me, 

become invisible before Your mighty splendour, 

which penetrates through my darkness 

to shine out in brilliant light.

How can I give my lifelong yes to You?

As if I have knowledge of what will befall me tomorrow?

Knowing how easily I fall from grace, 

wouldn't it be prudent then to admit 

that my yes would be mingled with many nos? 

And aren't You found even here, in the mixture of imperfections?

Isn't this what You came to show us when You,

the perfect Being, mingled with us sinners?

I can only give You my every-moment-yes. 

Moment by moment.

Falling from grace from time to time and yet, 

this falling is no less a falling into Your hands 

for You will be there to catch me. 

Your graces increase in me that leads me to the next yes. 

And only by this - 

constant falling into You, 

constant dependence on Your graces - 

can my every-moment-yes carry me towards my lifelong yes, 

that yes made complete when I finally stand before Your unveiled face,

in the glory of Your resurrection.

My God, let this be so and all will know that You are God, 

the faithful God behind my every-moment-yes.

Indigestion to Nourishment

When I was much younger, when indigestion was a foreign word, and a slowing metabolism was unheard of, I would love to go for buffets. My family used to celebrate birthdays over a hearty meal and a delicious cake after. Buffets are when I can pig out. I would go for the soups I love, the western cuisine, and last but not least, there was ALWAYS space for desserts. We would even be noticing the number of rounds each person went for. There was variety. Spoilt for choice. We could sample and go back for more if it was yummy. And not only would we notice how much each of us was eating. We would also watch how mountainous other diners' plates looked. How some people could just keep filling and stacking their plates, not leaving out any dish at all. One wonders how elastic their poor tummies can be. 

How elastic my poor life can be in the buffet spread of life. Forced elasticity. To make good worth of the price paid for a buffet meal, I sometimes ensured I tried everything available. How now in my life? Do I bring the same buffet mentality into the reality of my life too? By filling my life with everything I can lay my hands on, by being here, there and everywhere and yet nowhere? By wanting to get the most of life, and yet getting nothing eventually? 

I started to learn it was time to stop going for buffets when my body told me it can no longer take the ridiculous amount of food it was not made to hold to begin with. When I started to suffer from indigestion, when I had to regurgitate everything out in order to finally feel comfortable enough to fall asleep. Too much. My body just isn't made to take so much food. And not only the amount matters but what I eat also matters. I remember eating only one banana prata at the Prata House near my place for supper years back and suffered the same consequences that required the same solution. 

And it is taking me more years to discover that my life just isn't made to take so many gods, so many focuses, so many contestants for the first place in my heart. Stuffed. Indigestion. Discomfort. Unable to rest without first regurgitating what does not sit well within. 

Meals in the RGS community are simple and tasty. Most of the time these days, I take a very small portion of unpolished rice, some vegetables, some meat, coupled with a small bowl of soup. It took a while for me to get used to this diet but now, I know that this really is the amount my tummy needs. It feels comfortable after a meal. One plate, barely filled, but sufficiently filled because what is put onto this plate is what is essential.

I have one life. What do I put in it? Barely being filled with luxuries, wealth, parties, ... and in fact,  even scarcely filled... but could it be that I've put my own self onto this plate of my life? Self-consumed? And being self-consumed, could it be that I've put other people I love onto it too? All my attachments. Things, lifestyle, attitudes, beliefs, work, favourite activities, favourite places ... Maybe, none of these is bad. Good things too. Wanting to worship in the church I feel most comfortable in, and where I have grown as a person and disciple of God for instance. It isn't bad in itself. Not until it makes me so stuck in this place that it causes me to be rigidly clinging on to it, unable to find the same meaning and comfort attending Mass elsewhere. So I keep trying to fill my life by returning to the same place. One plate, overflowing, yet empty because what is put onto this plate of life is everything but the Essence. 

How then do I begin to empty the mountainous load on this plate and fill it with the Essential? What is essential and what is not? That is a choice I need to make. What do I want on my plate? A want requires a decision. What would give me the same comfortable feeling after my meals? A satisfaction not arrived at by filling my life with everything and anything possible but by prudently choosing what I need and want to fill my life with. And this decision isn't easy because it calls for detachment, letting go, shifting my gaze from all the distractions onto God. But this decision guarantees joy, peace, love and inner freedom. It guarantees a life worth living, a life fully lived. 

In the buffet-spread of life... 
What do you see on your plate of life? And how does it make you feel?
How are you being invited to change your dining habits? 

Living as an Aspirant - Part 1 - Becoming One

It's been almost 8 weeks of being an aspirant living with the sisters of the Religious of the Good Shepherd (RGS). Aspirancy is a phase of "come and see", during which one explores the life as a religious sister to get data for discerning if this way of life is what one is called to. This has been the closest ever to living the life of a religious since I began my discernment 4.5 years ago. So how has it been?

When my fellow aspirant (I'm the newest addition) asked me to sum up my experiences on my 1st month anniversary in one word, immediately I said, "Growth!" I did not even have to think.

Truly, it has been a period of growth. But before growth, difficulties and struggles. A Jesuit asked me recently how I have been, and when I said, "Struggle," he replied, "Struggle is good. If there is no struggle, something is not right." I appreciate his little comment that was more comforting to me than he probably thought. 

I am a very easily distracted person, with many interests and a few deep passions. Keeping myself fixated on only one thing has not been my way of life all these years. I enjoy multitasking though I have found this ability declining over time, and I love getting my attention caught by nice -looking things, aesthetically attractive. Not a very helpful makeup for a person like me who is trying to settle down. Not helpful at all for one trying to find a focal point to fix my eyes upon for the rest of my life. Hence, on hindsight, I realized that my episodes of struggles have all revolved around this - Focus.

Where / Who / What am I looking at?
The eyes of my heart have been wandering. For a start, I was looking at beautiful things... houses, cars... mostly houses, travel destinations. Then, I was looking at my past; times with family and friends. And I began missing those times so badly. Familiar things I have brought with me were uncomfortably strange in a new setting. Very painful. The next episode was marked by my looking at myself. My enjoyments, my private space and personal time, my agenda and willfulness. And finally (for now), for the longest time, my eyes shifted onto certain specific people in my life. Extremely tough and painful. 

It seems easy to dismiss these wanderings. After all, isn't this what most people focus their lives on? Even when some say they want to live their lives for God? Do His will? Serve His people? I'm human too. But this isn't how I am called to live - wandering, flirting around with so many other gods - because if it were so, I would not be feeling so burdened, pulled apart, disintegrated, disconnected. I realized that this period of difficulties and struggles, like my Spiritual Director so wisely put it, is a period of purification and clarification. 

So I found myself tired, exhausted, disfigured. I have not come to rest in the One Person, who alone gives rest. My heart is divided into different pieces of varying sizes, and given to this or that thing or event or person. I am scattered.

Finally, last night, I sat in prayer and asked Jesus, "What would it be like if my eyes were fixed on you and you alone... when you become my one focus, now until my last breath?" I want this but know it is beyond me. I know that God will provide all the graces to fill my many lackings and have begun asking God to fix my eyes upon Him, permanently. 

And I see now that this really is purification. Purification of my heart, sweeping out the clutter, so that my heart-space can be filled with God, my attention can be given all to Him. A period of "Christifying". Of becoming like Christ, whose heart and mind were preoccupied with the Father's purpose. And which led Him to become bread and wine for us. When at Mass, the representatives bring up the gifts of bread and wine during the offertory, my prayer would be, "Lord, I bring my life to your altar here. Help me to die with you and so be buried completely in you." Now it seems that my struggles and gradual growth these past 8 weeks have been an intensification of God's answering of my prayer. He is truly labouring in me to bring our union closer to completion. This growth is the most significant, apart from the others.

Difficulties and struggles to growth. What comes in between? It is God's grace. Endurance, trust, faith, courage, insights and realizations, etc...

No one except God knows if I will eventually become a religious. But does it matter? No time spent in responding to God's call goes down the drain. It doesn't matter anymore which way I go... for whichever way it is, hasn't God already been hard at work in my life, sculpting me and bringing me deeper in relationship with Him? And that's all that matters. That I become one with Him.

God in the Mess

Looking at the messiness of a construction site reminds me of the messiness we can at times find ourselves in. I dislike messiness in every possible form, be it my hair, my work desk, music,... And it irks me to live amidst messiness especially when I haven't the time to tidy things, when I haven't the containers to stack things up neatly. But when I get a chance, I would restore order. 

But not every mess is so easy to make neat. Not every mess can be tidied out in a few hours. This construction site has machines everywhere. Piles of metal wires not placed perpendicular or parallel to one another. Sound barriers half erected. Yet, I know that in time, this mess will be turned into beauty. When this mess has completed what it was meant to build, something will emerge. Beautiful, functional, beneficial to many.

Often, the messiness of life and our inner movements make us feel so uncomfortable and at times, painful, that we hurry to try to clear the mess, fix what needs to be fixed. And when we cannot achieve the desired results in the desired time, it's better to just leave it and shift our attention elsewhere. But it seems that God's grace is found even in the ugliest of all mess because this mess is a work-in-progress. This mess is to build something beautiful. This mess requires our patient waiting, hopeful hanging on. This mess is God's workshop.

The difference is that in a construction site, the people involved in the building know the plan. They know the final outcome they are working towards. They have the blueprint. They see the end and know the duration of the work. In the life of faith, we don't. We don't know anything and yet we are called to walk on, to labour on, to remain in the mess, trusting in a God we cannot see, whose plan for us we cannot know. All we can fall back on is our own life history, our own experiences of who this God has been for us. He is, by the evidence of my own life, the God who never fails, who never disappoints, who is very sober and knows exactly what He's doing with us and in us.

In moments of messiness, of desolations, we can only beg God for the graces to continue waiting, hoping, trusting and loving.

The Cry of the Voiceless

See the fear in their eyes. Their apprehensions. Their body languages. What if we were in their shoes? Alone in a foreign land, unfamiliar with the procedures, uncertain of the outcomes. Vulnerable.

The poor... the foreigners in our country... are all born with the same dignity as we are. As children of God. How can it be that they are treated as a lesser human person? How can it be that pets are treated better than some human persons, even though they may be working as our domestic helpers, supposedly under our charge since we are the ones paying them? The roles we play do not and should not influence our human dignity. 

And yet, most often, as I witnessed this morning, it is easy to throw our own lives' garbage onto the poor and voiceless and disrespect them because they have no means to pour a larger amount of crap back at us. If some of those people I met this morning were to treat the President in the same manner, surely, they will lose their jobs this same day!

It is discriminating that employers can interview and choose their domestic helpers but not vice versa. We are only concerned about not getting the 'wrong' maid, without considering that perhaps, those foreigners are also concerned about not getting the 'wrong' employer. But society works like this. The voiceless are at the mercy of others who have power given us by knowledge, information, wealth, status.

And yet, Christ hangs on the cross without making a distinction between who He was dying for and who He wasn't. He died for ALL. The bad and the bad-er. Without exception. Those who have a voice and a heart need to be the voice for the voiceless - the poor and the outcast. And not only that. If we are truly to be disciples of Jesus, then we are to embrace all of His people, including the big bullies. We are called to awaken the awareness and compassion in those whose hearts have been dormant or indifferent. And we are invited to do so with love for these our fellow brothers and sisters in Christ. We are called to be the voice of their voiceless souls they have so successfully silenced that they no longer hear the cry of their own hearts, longing to be acquainted and set on fire once again by love to love.

We need not look too far at first. But perhaps to begin with ourselves. Do we treat others with respect, upholding their dignity? Then, within our families, extended families, circles of friends, do we notice anyone treating another poorly? Especially our domestic helpers? And if we do find such treatments, do we take the risk to voice out what is unjust? Or do we keep silent? 

How might God be inviting you in the real context of your life to be His voice for the voiceless?

Reality of Impermanency - 3rd December 2014

For the Thanksgiving Mass on 3rd December 2014... 

We are made to return to God, that no matter what we are going through in our lifetimes, we will not remain here forever. What we possess on earth, we will not keep forever.

This may sound very depressing for some of us, if you are like me with many attachments to earthly things. But I think it doesn’t have to be depressing if we allow this truth of life to teach us how to live, how to make choices.

So who then are we to one another? Wives to husbands, sister to brother, friend to friend, lay people to the religious? Who really are we? And why bother so much since even our relationships are not permanent?

I think we are given by God to one another to be companions through this pilgrimage of our lives. And you know for any pilgrimage, there is a starting point and a destination. We are companions to one another on this pilgrimage from where we are to God. Not just a physical journey but a journey of our souls. A spiritual journey.

In the silence of my walk after the Ignatian conference in HK that I just returned from last night, I asked what was the whole experience about? 4 days of listening to people from different parts of the world speaking about spirituality? To sum it all up, it was an experience of being inspired, of allowing myself to be inspired by others who have begun their journeys before me, but who once in a while look back at those behind, like me, and point out the way like sign posts on a highway. An experience of being renewed in my own faith and of growing towards God.

And so we have gathered this evening not because of me, not for me. But that no matter if we are strangers, partners, a torn in the flesh to another, that we take this time to remember the God who made us, the God who has in this time in history brought our lives together to be an inspiration to another, to spread His love even in the most difficult situations.

Each and every one of you seated here has been an inspiration, a companion, a teacher, a guide, a contributor of love into this world I live in. (And please don’t start analysing how you have done this.
But just let go and trust that you have.) I thank you for you and I thank God for you.

On the plane yesterday, I was watching Les Miserables and one of the lines towards the end of the movie that really caught me was when Jean Valjean said, “To love another person is to see the face of God.” And I think that being loved by someone is to touch the heart of God in the depths of our hearts.

And so now, may I invite all of you to close your eyes and recall one experience where you felt the most loved. 

Who is this person who loved you?
Imagine this person standing in front of you now… looking at you, and loving you.
Open you heart to let this love flow into the depths of your heart.
Yes, you are loveable enough.
Yes, you are worthy enough.
Yes, you are good enough. Trust that you are.

I invite you to continue keeping your eyes closed.
We are going to celebrate the Eucharist in a short while and we do this to remember God’s love for us. Despite knowing we will be sinners, He still somehow love us so much even when He was hanging on the cross. God’s love for us is at least greater than the person who loves us the most in our lives.

We gather our hearts, our lives, and come now before God. Let us open our hearts and allow God’s infinite love to flow into the depths of our hearts. 

May you love and be loved this evening. Amen.

From Existing to Living - Part I

It was the school holidays. Joash sent an SMS to his classmate, Jean, who he was attracted to, asking her if she would be interested in going out for dinner that weekend. In fact, Jean was fond of Joash too but her shyness would always ensure that her feelings for him were well hidden. However, when Jean received Joash's SMS, her grandma had just passed away. Jean was in a state of devastation because she was very close to her grandma who took care of her when she was a young child, and Jean did not reply Joash's SMS.

Joash waited in eager anticipation for Jean's reply as if his whole life's happiness hung upon her yes or no. But as time went by, her silence began to convince him that it was a no, and that Jean did not feel the same way for him as he did for her. Joash felt disappointed, depressed and rejected. He felt unloved, unaccepted... and began to form judgements of himself in his mind to explain this rejection. He thought "It must be that I'm not good enough... Not good-looking enough perhaps..." As he formed more of such deductions, he became convinced that he must be unloveable. 

Jean took the holidays to grieve over her loss and thought of meeting Joash in school to share with him what had happened over the holidays. But when the new school term started, Joash did not want to appear dejected in front of Jean. He wanted to look as if he was unaffected by her rejection. And so he put on a smile in school and started acting particularly friendly and excited with another female classmate. Jean saw this and thought that Joash was fond of the other girl and so she distanced herself from him. 

--------

What happened to Joash in this story is something that runs common in everyone's lives in different contexts. Here is the flow... 

EXPERIENCE ----> FEELINGS ----> SELF-JUDGEMENTS ----> REACTIONS

We experience something happening to us and it creates feelings in us about what has happened. These feelings may be positive or negative but they are neither right or wrong. Feelings are just the reality of how our experiences make us feel. And these enter into our hearts. 

However, these feelings actually do not cause us hurt. They cause us pain. The difference between pain and hurt that we often overlook is that pain is a feeling while hurt is the reduction of one's dignity / worthiness as a person. Our hearts can handle pain, which will dissipate and disappear after some time. But our hearts cannot handle hurt because hurt is caused by and lives in our minds and will only 'go away' when our minds change its way of perceiving ourselves. 

Joash in this story felt rejected, unloved, etc. These are feelings. But what did he allow those feelings to create in his mind? He began making conclusions about who he is as a person. He began to think that he is unloveable, ugly, unattractive, etc. These were the judgements he started to make about himself that we know are not true but Joash did not know how Jean felt. And when he made those judgements, he was hurting himself because he was reducing the amount of worth he saw in himself. He began to see himself as lesser. 

And then what did Joash do next? 
He put up a front and pretended to like someone else. He tried to cover up the rejection. He started to cover up his unworthiness, his feelings, so that the one he loved would not see that he is weak and imperfect, and think of him even lesser than he thought she did. His actions became the reactions from his judgements about himself. 

And these reactions blocked life. It blocked life because... 
1. It prevented Joash from touching the reality of his feelings and making choices to address those feelings, which then led him to form untrue negative conclusions about himself.
2. It prevented Joash from being open to a good conversation with Jean that could lead into a good and happy relationship. 
3. It would have sent the wrong signal to the other classmate Joash was pretending to take an interest in, and land him up in future complications with that girl. She might eventually get hurt too.

And the more we judge ourselves and react out of those judgements, the more we will stumble in our subsequent life experiences and deepen those judgements, bringing us further and further away from the one judgement that God has made of us - That we are His image and likeness (which I hope to write more about later). 

But first... 
How has this process of EXPERIENCE ----> FEELINGS ----> JUDGEMENTS been real in our lives too? 
Recall a significant experience that happened to you and notice what feelings it created in you. And as a result of those feelings, how do you see yourself? Just a word... "I see myself as ____."

Just become aware. The first step.

Adapted from the Workshop: Living from the inner springs of life - The interplay of the Two Standards in our Life by Fr. Cecil Azzopardi, SJ @ the Ignatian Conference, Hong Kong 2014

Empathy vs Sympathy

Empathy is a choice and it's a vulnerable choice because in order to connect with you, I have to connect with something inside me that knows that feeling.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Evwgu369Jw 

Spring Cleaning Reflection #1

Phase 1 of spring cleaning - COMPLETED. 

Each time I spring clean, more shelves get emptied out. Makes me wonder again how much of the clutter is actually totally unnecessary. How much things do I really need for my daily living? What will be left after I minus out everything that is a genuine want rather than a pseudo need?

Yet, there are still a lot of unnecessary things stored up until the next time I spring clean those shelves and perhaps, by then, I'll be more ready to part with more stuff. 

For now, the biggest fruit of the past days of labour is my reclaimed table space. Now my head feels uncluttered too. And I can begin to think again and plan stuff. It's interesting how the state of my room reflects the state of my mind. 

As I take a break tomorrow and embark on phase 2 after, it is also a good time as Advent approaches to begin spring cleaning my inner shelves too... those of my life. How much clutter have I accumulated? What are these that have cluttered up my inner self so much so that God is lesser and lesser visible? 

Advent, to me, is a time of preparation - of preparing my heart to receive Jesus anew. It's a time of making way, making space. So that Jesus need not end up in a stable but is able to find a room in my heart for His dwelling. To allow someone to occupy a space in your heart is to acknowledge that he is special, important and loved (to say the least). A very tall order, as insurmountable it feels as when I stared helplessly at the war zone of my room the past few days, not knowing how to pack, what to keep, what to throw, how to reorganise, rearrange, etc... 

Bit by bit, item by item, I had to 
SEE, 
ANALYSE and WEIGH its usefulness (practical) and sentimental value, 
DECIDE to keep or not and where to put it if I'm keeping it, 
ACT according to my decision, 
PRAY for the grace (in this case, the grace of clarity)
PERSEVERE in the tedious process until it is completed,
CELEBRATE (I invited my sister to come see my room) and REST before the next phase of cleaning.

All of which teaches me how to spring clean my life too. To 
SEE what I fill my life with, how I spend my time, what are my priorities, 
ANALYSE and WEIGH which is life giving and which is life draining (honestly),
DECIDE what to keep and what to throw out, what priorities to reorder, what mindsets to readjust, 
ACT according to my decision, 
PRAY for the needed graces,
PERSEVERE with determination until the deliberate action is internalised, 
CELEBRATE and REST before repeating the process again. 

I sure am enjoying my reclaimed space, the renewed cosiness of my room... What a reward... which will be too when I spring clean the shelves of my life. 

Are you spring cleaning too? 

Passers-by

Am I just a passerby to you?
Are you just passing by my life?

It seems like funeral wakes are usually very emotional experiences. Having gone for 2 today. 

For me, it is more emotional because memories, however few they may be, begin to return to my consciousness. I begin to think back on the past, of times with the deceased. I begin to notice the loss, which also means that I begin to notice the presence of that person now gone. 

Strange isn't it? And today, I asked myself why is it that I only pause to think of people's significance in my life when they are gone, that I only begin to be aware of their presence when the presence is no more. Why not earlier? How different will I be if I had truly lived as the most cliche line goes - as if it was the last. To be with each person as if it was the last time we would get to spend time together. Sounds a little morbid. But... The dislikes I have towards their character traits will no longer be such a huge eye sore anymore if I knew that those moments would be the last. I would treasure a lot more those moments. I would see them in a totally different light. My heart would be disposed very differently. No time for anger or grudges. No time for petty arguments or finger-pointing. There's only time for love.

All too often, we take for granted that the people in our lives will be with us forever. Until reality hits hard. 

Have you experienced a family member having to move to somewhere else permanently? Knowing that the time you have left with this person is running out, what adjustments in your life would you make? For instance, returning home for dinner with her more often, asking her out for a meal and a good chat? 

Let's not wait for someone to move away, to pass away, before we begin to treasure the time we have with them. Let's not wait for absence to teach us to notice their presence. It can take us less than 5 minutes to pause at every mid day or some time everyday to just become aware of the people in our lives, the relationships God strung together... and to give thanks to God for these people, say a short prayer for them and bless them. I am certain that if we live this way, our relationships will transform and blossom. 

Whose presence in your life have you not been aware of for the longest time? 
How is God inviting you to pause and consider what these people truly mean to you?  

Do not just let them pass you by...
See... and look deeper. 
We are deeply connected.

Synod of Bishops on the Family - October 2014

In response to an article I chanced upon online...

I like what's being said here. 

I like the idea of letting the Spirit move us... Most of the time, it might be humans and our own narrow beliefs and stubborn righteousness that stand in the way of the Spirit. 

I like the idea of Jesus being firm on his stand about divorce yet spending so much time eating and drinking and reaching out to the outcast of society - the prostitutes, the tax collectors - the sinners. He meets us where we are, always patiently calling and moulding, slowly and gently. He does not shove doctrines down our throats and tell us to follow or burn in hell. He accepts what little of our lives we can give and multiplies it in ways He knows we can manage. 

If He were to mark our guilt, who would survive?!

See the faithful and loving God from the beginning of time through the old testament and onto the new... and even onto our current age. 

Here is the great need for the grace of indifference. If God were to point us in a whole new direction, are our hearts open enough, surrendered enough to listen and obey?

When Christ comes to make all things new, can we dare to let go of the old?

Life - A Journey Home

He sat on the side of my hospital bed and asked gently, "Are you ready to come home with me?"

I asked, "Go where?"

"Home... with me."

"No, I'm not ready yet... I haven't accomplished anything much at all. I haven't brought any souls to you."

He showed me a few faces to debunk my claim. But still, I said no, not yet. 

(It was definitely not a near death experience but an encounter to take into reflection.) 

And immediately, the realisation sank in. Is my life about accomplishing? Is there a quota of souls I must bring to God before I am satisfied with life? Who sets this quota? Is it me? Even if my life shall be used to direct souls back to God, is it a number game I'm playing? Is my life about accomplishing? 

It was certainly a very good realisation that will further prepare me for what is to come. Because in that realisation, I realised that no matter what I am called to do, the work is not mine but God's. Like Bl. Mother Teresa said, "I am a pencil in God's hands." 

My life shall not be about accomplishments. It shall be about being what God wants me to be; nothing more, nothing less. It is about following Him in all He wills of me, striving towards this faithfully even though there will be many times I will fall so short of a loving response to His invitations. What and how much I do and accomplish are His to decide. 

My life is a journey home to God. 
And all that matters in this journey is that I grow in greater intimacy with the One to whom I am returning.

Can you hold on to anything in this life forever?
What is your life about?

Who is Jesus for Me?

WHO IS JESUS CHRIST FOR ME?

Jesus is love and He has been to me everything that love needs and desires to be for the beloved. He is my God who desires so much for me that He wants me with Him for all eternity, who asks only that I come to know Him and to receive His love not because I deserve His love but that He is love itself and His abundance desires to share Himself with me; to share all He has and all He is with me.

In this pouring out of His infinite, unconditional, selfless and sacrificial love for me, I am drawn increasingly deeper into a relationship with Him, called increasingly to respond to His love with my love for Him. He is God who forgets His own dignity as God and comes running after me to pursue me.

In times of my unfaithfulness, Jesus’ faithful love in His graces to me softens my heart and steers me back to Him. He knows I can only be truly happy when I walk with Him. He left us with the story of the prodigal son so that in moments when my sense of unworthiness keeps Him far at a distance, I can return to the assurance that He stands waiting, looking out into the distance for me, and He cannot wait to wrap the cloak of my identity around me and restore me again as daughter of our Father. He knows I can only be my most authentic self when I live with inner freedom as the person God has made me to be.

In my anger and disappointments with others and at times, even with myself, Jesus comes as a Mediator to persuade me to relent, to understand and to forgive. He knows I will become bitter by accumulating such negativities. In my woundedness, He comes to fill me with His love and life, to comfort and heal my brokenness. His love for me desires to see me whole again and to live a life that is free from the bondage of sin, committed by others and myself.

Jesus sends people into my life to celebrate life’s joys and laughters with me. In times of trouble, He sends help through generous people, even strangers. Through the sacrament of human love that I have come to receive from family and friends, He facilitates my understanding and acceptance of His love for me. When the storms of life threaten me, He invites me to stop running away from the storms but to remain, to learn to stand strong in them with Him as my Anchor, and then to be the beacon of light that shines the way out of the storm for others. Although I am weak and paralysed by fears, Jesus strengthens me and leads me to a more mature faith in Him. His love will endure the pain of watching me struggle through the storms because He knows it is the only way for me to grow.

Though I always fall so short of loving Him, He is the Gardener who toils tirelessly in the garden of my life; overturning plot by plot, patiently planting and pruning, clearing and landscaping. This garden becomes more beautiful each time and may even be the space for others to rest in and receive goodness that will nourish their own lives. Jesus knows that my life is only worth living when it is spent for others.

Jesus is my companion through life. There is no sorrow too deep that His heart has not yet been pierced by, no joy too intense that has never caused His heart to skip a beat, no temptation too strong that He has not yet fought and overcome. He knows everything I experience and if I turn to Him, I will never be found lacking a compassionate listener who fully empathizes with what I am going through. His is the peace through the Eucharist that calms my inner turmoil, the tranquility through nature’s beauty that stills my anxious self, the joy through music that transports me closer to heaven. His is the love, which becomes my energy to love others.

Yet, even with all these and more that Jesus is to me, my response of love can only be an imperfect and incomplete one. And even knowing that this is all I can give to Him, He still continues to be everything that love would be for the beloved because being love itself, Jesus does not know how to be anything else but love.

Who is Jesus for you?