Enslaved by Capitalism: The Economy of Desire (Daniel M. Bell Jr.)

Love this book: The Economy of Desire - Christianity and Capitalism in a Postmodern World by Daniel M. Bell Jr. 

It articulates most precisely what bothers me about the society in which we live in... and against which I too am struggling. 

"... Deleuze and Foucault (Philosophers) develop an account for how we could be enslaved to the capitalist market in a way that we actually want or desire that captivity, all the while calling it and claiming ourselves to be 'free'... (C)apitalism is an economy of desire... (that) disciplines desire for market ends."

Like it or not, we have all, to different extents, been shaped in our desires by capitalism. Just notice the women who feel the need to own a branded bag, at times, even if it means to sacrifice more than half their monthly salary. And how those without one because they cannot afford it feels somewhat incomplete. Notice the black markets, the imitations that sell so well. Notice how men would change their cars to a more prestigious one when the opportunity arises, not necessarily because their current cars have reached its 10 year mark or to minimise financial loss. Notice the increase in number of slimming centres in Singapore in the last decade. How many people do not own a smartphone these days? 

I need to colour my hair because black is dull and boring. The different colour streaks make me look fresher and younger. Whoever determined that black is dull and boring? And even if it is, why do I need to change the original colour? There must be no life on my face, no sparkle in my eyes, no smile to brighten up my face that I need to rely on my hair colour to add 'life' to my expression. I need to wear high-heels because it adds a touch of professionalism and makes me look nicer, more confident. And whoever fixed this? Isn't my toes, heels, back, knees and blood circulation more important? 

We are taught that life equates having this and that, looking slim and good, etc. We are taught, precisely by the people who are marketing these products, saying we need all these. Why are they marketing it? Because they are really essentials in life? Because we really need it? Isn't it for their own profit sake? 

We have misunderstood freedom to be the breaking free from that voice within that says, "Actually, I don't need these." We want to break free from this voice that tells us 'no need'. We don't want to be dictated to do this and that, to not do this and that. But in actual fact, instead of becoming free, we are becoming slaves and puppets, manipulated, disciplined by advertisements to become obedient monkeys to do the stunts that would gain the audience's applause, to buy the things that these advertisements tell us would make us happy, satisfied, more confident and truly living. We are being dictated without even realising it. We are being controlled so that we will hand over our money to some other people.

True freedom is the total opposite. True freedom is to be without need, that our happiness is not controlled by another party or worse still, by dead, non-living material things. True freedom is to be uncontrolled by external factors, that in any given circumstance, at any time, I am able to choose what gives me life in its true sense. 

The sad truth in Singapore is that even education has become, not entirely but increasingly, tainted by capitalism. If I were really profit-driven, I would set up a tuition centre or similar. It will fetch me a much higher income than I would get as a full-time teacher or even a private one-to-one tutor. How many who sit in the upper management levels of schools are not more concerned about keeping their rice bowls intact than truly imparting the right values to students?

But above all, I find the saddest message that all these are sending is that I don't matter, that I am not more important than your money, that I am not more precious than these goods and appearances. It just disfigures the face of a human person, lowers one's dignity. And each time we succumb to being disciplined in our desires by capitalism, we are reaffirming ourselves that we are unimportant. Instead of growing into the image of Christ, we are becoming subconsciously convinced that we are worthless. And this brings about a whole range of consequent behaviours to try to prove our worth in all the wrong ways... in a vicious cycle that never ends.  

The good and hopeful thing is that Foucault wrote too that "resistance is always possible". It is possible to live against this control, this slavery. But I agree that it is difficult to stand firm on this resistance. But it is highly possible. The book progresses on later to a different economy - an upside down economy. "... a divine economy of desire - one that redeems desire from the postmodern capitalist economy that would distort desire in ways that hinder humanity's communion with God, one another, and the rest of creation." Which I will share about later (when I get to that part of the book =P )...

Thanks to the ongoing 10 Monday prayer sessions based on this book facilitated by Fr. Chris Soh, SJ @ Kingsmead Centre

Angel of Light - Journey to the West: Conquering the Demons

"Knowing stubbornness, one can let it go. Knowing what one wants, one can release it." ~ Movie: Journey to the West: Conquering the Demons

This is the power of awareness. 
I can only change what I am aware of. 
I can only know where to find true happiness when awareness differentiates what is life-giving and life-draining to me. 
I can only empty myself of what I am aware is within me.
But awareness is not all.

Awareness is the first step to conquering the demons and perhaps, in our lives, the most dangerous demons aren't those that possess a person, causing him to foam in the mouth or be thrown about in convulsions. Rather, they are those hidden behind disguises, especially the disguise of holy dreams and good intentions. Those, as what St. Ignatius calls the angel of light, come in the form of good but they are actually leading us away from God. Deep awareness helps us to recognise the guise. 

In the movie, a young monk denies human love between man and woman, denies his own attraction to a girl, because he saw this, which he called the "lesser love", as a distraction in his search for the "greater" love - Buddhahood. And because of this, he is always lacking a little something that prevents him from becoming a powerful demon-hunter despite his very compassionate heart. He goes around with a handbook of 300 nursery rhymes, given him by his master. He naively tries to convert demons he meets by trying to elicit the good out of them as he reads to them the rhymes. Needless to say, he always fails and finds many lives lost because he is unable to subdue the demons. He had no power in him. Finally, it was only when he held in his arms the woman he loved as she was dying that he admitted to his true feelings for her. That was his moment of transformation.

Experiencing that deep pain, the monk had a moment of enlightenment. He realised that human love IS a part of the greater love, and that love is not greater or lesser. Love is love in its fullest and any "love" that is measured is not love at all. Only when he realised this truth could he mature in his perception of life. He understood that he is not the one who can deliver the people from the demons, which then began his journey to the West to obtain the 22 scriptures from India. Only in not avoiding out of fear of not achieving something apparently holy was he able to grow and be filled in his lacking. His book of 300 nursery rhymes was then transformed into the Buddha sutra, and he was transfigured from a plain and shabby looking monk into a Buddha-like figure shining out with a radiant aura. From a powerless monk to the monk, Tripitaka, who set out on the long journey with the 3 previously evil spirits, who became his disciples.  

The very method and approach this monk had in striving for Buddhahood (the disguise) became the very hindrance in his attaining it (led him away from the final goal instead). And it took him a great deal of pain and trials to bring him to the awareness of this. He then realised that it is only in knowing (awareness) that opens the door to choosing consciously. That the way to Buddhahood is not to escape from being human with its myriad of life experiences but it is the way of embracing, of accepting and then constantly choosing to purify oneself from all that one realises does not benefit oneself towards the ultimate life goal. 

"Knowing stubbornness, one can let it go. Knowing what one wants, one can release it."

In our time, what are the disguises around us? Taking up a better-paying job to better provide financially for the family but significantly reducing the time and energy one has left to spend quality time with the family. Moving into a prestigious development only to forget the face of poverty and suffering, and becoming increasingly out of touch with the realities and essence of life and love. Pressurising children to perfect their examination scores but driving them to resentment and joylessness in the process. There are many.

Coming to the awareness of the many disguises in our lives does not necessarily mean we will then make the right choices in life. We need to know where these events, beliefs and actions are taking us - towards or away from God - and then to make the deliberate choice to follow the right voice and to NOT follow the wrong voice. 

Where is the angel of light hiding in your life?

God Lends A Hand

There was a little boy of 9 years old, named Peter, who wanted to learn to rollerblade. He had seen his neighbours having so much fun in the park rollerblading and he wanted to join them. He went up to his dad one morning and asked him to buy him a pair of rollerblades but his dad, wanting Peter to learn responsibility, gave him an empty piggy bank instead. He told his son, "Peter, you can join the kids at the park and I will even teach you to rollerblade. But I want you to learn to save up for the things you want to buy. I don't want to spoil you by giving you everything you want. From today, you will start putting in 50 cents from your pocket money into this piggy bank everyday. When you have saved up enough money, we will go to the store to buy the blades that you want."

Peter went away with mixed feelings. He was happy that his dad had allowed him to buy the rollerblades and would even teach him to rollerblade. However, as he flipped his calendar and counted the number of days it would take him to save up $120, he felt discouraged that it would take him about 8 months with 50 cents each day. It was far too long a wait and his dream seemed too distant. But he began saving anyway. 

After school everyday, Peter eagerly dropped his 50 cents into his piggy bank, and he delighted in seeing it fill up more and more. On some days, when he had more pocket money left, he would drop in the extras. But what Peter did not know was that his dad had secretly added 50 cents each day to his piggy bank too. His dad knew that Peter would take a long time to save up for the pair of rollerblades and seeing how committed and responsible his son was, he wanted to lend a hand to make his dream come true earlier. 

Four months later, Peter's dad asked Peter to bring his piggy bank to the table. They emptied it out and counted the coins. Peter's face lit up when they totalled up the money to $134! He could not believe it because he was expecting to take 8 months to arrive at that amount, not 4. Then, Peter's dad confessed that he had topped up another 50 cents each day. Peter was overjoyed. And off they went to the skate shop.

Last month, in my silent retreat, I was contemplating on the holy family's flee to Egypt to escape from Herod who wanted to kill baby Jesus. The most striking realisation was how God did not leave Joseph to fend for his family with his own strength and capabilities. God sent His angel to warn Joseph of the impending danger and directed him to bring his family to safety. If He had not, Joseph would not have known early enough of Herod's plans, given that he had no strings to pull nor money to bribe. The only way that Joseph could fulfil his life mission as Jesus's foster father and the protector of the holy family was in the heavenly Father's divine providence. 

God Himself gives us what we need in order for us to fulfil the mission we have said 'yes' to. God is like and far more than Peter's dad who works behind the scenes, most of the time beyond our knowledge, to help us along the way. He knows fully well how lacking we are and the only result we are capable of is failure. And out of His great love for us, especially when we are carrying out the will He has called us to, He Himself aids us in the completion of that will. He never leaves us on our own. He never puts a task on our shoulders so that He can go on a vacation only to return thereafter to demand our good result. Such is the faithful and loving God we see across the old to the new testament. 

Might there be something you are struggling with right now? Something that you are trying to do out of your love for God but finding that failure is the only constant result?

How might God be, through the stories of Peter and Joseph, inviting you to a deeper trust in His loving providence? 

How is God also sending you His angel to give you directions? 

Lk 22:43
Then an angel appeared to him (Jesus), coming from heaven to give him strength. 
Ro 8:28
We know that by turning everything to their good God cooperates with all those who love him, with all those that he has called according to his purpose.

Praying the Lunar New Year

We celebrate many festivities every year. Christmas, easter, new year, lunar new year, birthdays, wedding anniversaries, death anniversaries, feast days of saints. And the most common way of celebrating festivities for us Singaporeans, if we do celebrate them, is to gather together over a meal. New parents are most eager to throw a party for their child's 1st birthday. But it seems like as the years go by, the enthusiasm fades away gradually too. And I often hear the older folks commenting that there is no need to celebrate their birthdays because it is just another day. All of which makes me ponder a little more deeply why do we celebrate anniversaries, festivities?

For many years, my birthdays were about me. It's my special day of the year, when I become the center of attention, receiving gifts and well wishes. It's the day when everyone is particularly nice to me because it should be a day of happiness, not sadness. In recent years, if I'm not overseas, I will do the usual - go for Mass - and give thanks to God for my parents who brought me into the world and took care of me until now. My focus has been shifting away from myself and onto my parents. A day to remember and be grateful for God's blessings of my parents.

Yet what is even deeper and which I have not arrived at is a recollection of my life history, to see more intently how God has been there at every phase of my life. At every downfall and rising, in every moment of joy and sadness. To see the hand of God in the good and bad of my life so that I may come to a deeper interior knowledge of who He has been, who He is, and who He will continue to be for me. The focus of my birthday is rightly on God, from whom all my blessings, even the gift of my parents and family members, come.

Truly, we celebrate festivities to remember a significant event or person in our lives. This remembering is not simply to call to mind a matter of fact. Neither is it an emotional exercise to nostalgically reminisce an experience of an event or a person. Rather, we remember for the purpose of allowing these experiences to shape us in a way that brings us closer to the Giver of life and goodness - God. We remember so that we can recognise how God, through both the ups and downs of life, is making space in our hearts to welcome Him more fully. We remember so that we can recognise the God in our experiences; who He has been, who He is and who He will continue to be. Celebrations are occasions of remembering. A remembering of God.

Remembering then takes on a whole new meaning, a whole new direction. It moves us deeper in love with God because the more we recognise God in our lives, the more we come to know Him intimately. We encounter Love itself, who then draws us into a deeper relationship with Him. Our celebrations, when they direct our attention to the God in all things, will no longer be a superficially happy occasion that lasts for a few hours but a deep joyful encounter of love that contributes to our eternal life.

Mark 14:1-2 reads
It was two days before the Passover and the feast of Unleavened Bread, and the chief priests and the scribes were looking for a way to arrest Jesus by some trick and have him put to death. For they said, 'It must not be during the festivities, or there will be a disturbance among the people'.

http://bible-truth.org/Feasts-UnleavenBread.html
The Feast of the Unleaven Bread begins the next night after the Passover and celebrates Israel being delivered from bondage in Egypt. Lev. 23:6
A morning and evening sacrifice was offered. Only unleaven bread is eaten and meat of the sacrifices. Exodus 12:19 states the seriousness of the commandment from God. “Seven days shall there be no leaven found in your houses: for whosoever eateth that which is leavened, even that soul shall be cut off from the congregation of Israel, whether he be a stranger, or born in the land.” Leaven is symbolic of sin and the Passover was a memorial to God’s delivering them from slavery in Egypt, but also a time of repentance and the putting away of sin. Galatians 5:9 says, “A little leaven leaveneth the whole lump.” Leaven when placed in a lump of flour will begin to grow and spread until it permeates the whole lump. The picture is that of one diligently searching for and getting rid of sin even the smallest sin in one’s life. Even as a little leaven (sin) will spoil the whole of the lump, therefore any and all sin is to be confessed and put out of one’s life.

Leaven is yeast, which is added to flour for baking. This yeast refers to sin added to our lives.

At a time when the Jews were supposed to be preparing for the Passover and the feast of Unleavened Bread, what occupied the hearts and minds of the chief priests and scribes was not the remembrance of God's faithful love and goodness in bringing them out of their slavery in Egypt, not the remembrance of how God wills of them to be His faithful people. They had forgotten the goodness of God and thus, were unable to show charity, mercy, compassion towards Jesus. They were jealous, threatened by Jesus' authority and popularity. They had no space in their hearts to humbly acknowledge this Son of God who makes their evil, secret thoughts known publicly. The kindness God had shown to their ancestors, they had not interiorized in their hearts. And so, they could not recognize who Jesus is, that He has come from God, a truth that even the evil spirits that Jesus cast out of the possessed people knew and acknowledged (Mark 1:24 - 'What do you want with us, Jesus of Nazareth? Have you come to destroy us? I know who you are: the Holy One of God.').

The commandments handed to them by Moses (Exodus 20:13,16) 'You shall not kill', 'You shall not bear false witness against your neighbour', (Exodus 34:14) 'You shall bow down to no other god'. The chief priests and scribes broke. They were scheming to kill Jesus, they were making themselves gods. They who always pride themselves as the holy ones who kept every law, making themselves perfect before God. If only they had not celebrated the festivities for the sake of keeping the laws for their own self-love and self-preservation sake. If only they had allowed their celebrations to point their hearts and minds more and more towards God, who truly is the point of the festivities. And if only we too allow our own celebrations to point us towards God.

Tomorrow, we celebrate Chinese New Year Eve, when we traditionally reunite with our families to deepen relationships. But more than this, and not so traditionally, it is a time to recollect the past year and give thanks, to recognise the hand of God in the past year, identify how God is calling us to imitate Him in those areas we fall short, and praying for the graces we need to rely on Him for in the new year to become better disciples.

As we celebrate tomorrow and in the days to come, how can you pray your lunar new year?

The God Who Came, Who Comes & Who Will Come

In today's first reading (Zechariah 2:14-17), prophet Zechariah proclaimed the message of the Lord, saying, "Sing, rejoice, daughter of Zion; for I am coming to dwell in the middle of you - it is the Lord who speaks." The Lord, who he then prophesied is "awaking and is coming from his holy dwelling", has already come to us at Christmas morn. 

St. Bernard of Clairvaux spoke about the 3rd coming of Christ. It occurs in between the 1st and the 2nd coming. It is the continuation of the 1st coming and leads to the completion of God's reign at the 2nd. This 3rd coming is taking place continuously in our lives. Jesus comes and dwells in the middle of us every day of our lives. And He does this through the Sacraments of the Church, through nature, our families and friends, etc. 

This morning, I'm particularly moved with gratitude for Jesus's coming into our midst for because of His great love, generosity and detachment to all He has as God, I can enjoy peace, love, joy, forgiveness in my own life. 

Who would urge me to forgive so that I can be at peace with Man? Who would explain the undercurrents of Man's hearts so that I can understand and be compassionate? Who would calm the anger within me so that I am freed of this burden? Who would heal my wounds so that I can be liberated? Who would do all these and so much more and who CAN do these? If not Jesus, who has come to walk among us, to experience humanity and so understands humanity?

He was not afraid of poor living conditions and material poverty. Yet, my body tenses up when I visited slums and am surrounded by mosquitoes. 

He was not afraid of coming into close proximity with sinful Man, to eat and live with them. Today, He even allows me to eat of His flesh and blood in the Eucharist, allowing His pure and holy Self to be one with my unholy, stained self. Yet, I judge others and keep those who have not won my approval at bay. 

He was not afraid to be accused by Man, to be misunderstood, insulted and labelled a failure. Yet, I always feel indignant when I am not well understood and would eagerly clarify myself to avoid a tarnished reputation.

He was not afraid to leave His glory behind. He had control over all but came to give His life into the hands of sinners. He had but He did not cling on to it. The little that I have… I cling on, unwilling to let go, struggling to go against my will. Wanting to control, wanting certainty, wanting to save my poor life only to lose it in the process. 

Today, I pray especially for the grace of death. Death to self. So that, like Jesus, God may bring life to many through my dying. 

What does Jesus's coming to dwell in your midst mean to you? How does He do this?
What grace do you desire for today?

For the Risk-Takers

Pasting this here for future reference

Written by The Most Rev Msgr William Goh
Archbishop of Singapore
© All Rights Reserved 
- See more at: http://www.csctr.net/reflections/#sthash.y7N3oSgn.dpuf

THE KINGDOM IS ONLY GIVEN TO THOSE WHO TAKE RISKS

SCRIPTURE READINGS: 2 MC 7:1, 20-31; LK 19:11-28
http://www.universalis.com/20131120/mass.htm

The context of today’s parable in Luke’s gospel is that of the second coming of Christ, when He will come as King.  The story about a man of noble birth going to a faraway country to receive his appointment to become its king is an allusion to Jesus who has ascended into heaven and will come again for a reckoning.  The worst scenario that can happen to us is to reject Jesus as king, as some people in the parable did. To reject the kingship of Jesus is to reject His rule in our lives.

However, even if we accept the rule of Jesus, it is still not sufficient to enable us to live fully in the Kingdom.  The parable of the Talents is therefore an appropriate way to remind us to take stock of the way we should be living the life of the Kingdom, especially when we are almost at the end of the Church’s liturgical year.   What, then, does it take for one to live in the Kingdom?  The message in both scripture readings is clear:  one must have the courage to take risks if we want to live fully in this life and in the next.  Taking risks in life is necessary if we want to live in the Kingdom.  Those who do not take risks will not be able to live their lives meaningfully.  This is the gist of today’s gospel passage.

Indeed, the parable of the Talents does not simply teach us that we have to make use of our talents.  Rather, it is that we must take risks in life, especially when it is for the Kingdom, namely, when it is for love, joy, peace and unity.  Without taking risks for the Kingdom, we can never find real life.  For this reason, the third servant in the parable was reprimanded, not because he lost the money entrusted to him but because he did not invest the money.  He was too cautious.  Because he was overly cautious, he did not gain anything from it.  In this sense, he was irresponsible because he did not make full use of what was given to him.

The truth of life is that people who are too cautious cannot expect to gain much. Taking risks is a necessary element of life. As the axiom says, “no venture, no gain”.  Yes, to be alive is to take risks.  In everything we do or say each day, we are consciously or unconsciously undertaking risks.  Waking up and going to work is surely a risk because we do not know whether the vehicle we are travelling in will be involved in an accident or not.  Staying at home or at the office can also be risky because you might get trapped in a fire.

Allowing our children to grow in maturity requires that we give them graded freedom.  Giving them freedom entails risk as well because they might abuse that freedom.  Yet, by failing to trust our children to make responsible decisions on their own and learning to take charge of their lives, we eventually destroy them because they grow up to be weaklings, unable to fend for themselves.  If these children never grow up, it is simply because they have never been given the opportunity to exercise responsibility in their lives.  Even if a simple thing like waking up in the morning requires the parents’ intervention, it shows the kind of responsibility the child has for himself.  But if we take risks and are willing to allow them to learn through their mistakes, then the child will learn very quickly the importance of making wise choices because he will have to be answerable for what he does or does not do.   Yes, if we do not take risks, there is no way to live our lives enthusiastically.  Simply staying at home and not doing anything can be considered the least risky thing to do, but we will be bored to death anyway.

But this is on the level of mundane life.  More importantly, the gospel invites us to take risks for the Kingdom. In other words, we must take risks for the development of our personal and spiritual life.  What is the kingdom if not the love of God and humankind?  The third servant in the parable is actually a reference to the Pharisees and the scribes.  They had received the knowledge of God, the Torah from Moses, but they sought to merit their salvation by a meticulous observance of the laws. By so doing, they excluded others, especially the simple folks, the sinners and the publicans from the Kingdom.  Others found it impossible to follow the laws.   Furthermore, because they put the laws before the love of man, they became legalistic in their conduct towards their fellow human beings.  Of course, the great thing about observing the law is that we feel secure because we feel right before God and man.  We feel that we have made ourselves worthy and so have no fear of judgment since we can stand before God and say to Him, “I deserve to be here!”  This of course can make us self-righteous as well, or think that salvation is achieved through our efforts alone.

We too must also ask ourselves whether we take risks for the building of the Kingdom of God. In our spiritual life, do we venture out to deepen our understanding and experience of God?  Some of us can be so insecure and protective of the way we pray and worship that we are not open to other forms of prayer and worship.  We pass judgment for example, on the charismatic way of praying.  Little do we realize that we could be missing out on the ways God can touch us in our lives.  That also explains why some people are afraid to pray and meditate for fear that they will uncover some things about themselves that they do not like and cannot accept.

On the level of personal life, many people also fear to risk loving and growing.  I know of some couples who do not want attend Engaged Encounter or Marriage Encounter, simply because they fear that their relationships might not stand up to scrutiny. Then again, we have many people who, because of past broken relationships, are too frightened to take the risk of loving again. They close the door to all relationships and thus live empty, loveless and unfulfilled lives.

Yes we are invited to take more risks especially when it comes to love and sharing.  We must take the risk of sharing ourselves with others.  We must take the courage to reach out to people.  So long as we build barriers, we cannot expect to make friends or build a community of love.  Every relationship is indeed a risk.  But the risk we take is worthwhile.  And even if the relationship does not work out, we will at least have grown in some ways and come to understand better the meaning and demands of relationships.  This will certainly make us more matured and loving people.

Taking risks in love also means that we are called to give ourselves to others in terms of service.  We are called to give more and more of ourselves to others.  The truth is that the more we give the more we get.  Those who are over self-preserving will find themselves poor not only in friendship but in love as well.  A person who is poor in love cannot be a happy person because his heart is not expansive enough.  But when we give ourselves in love and service to others, sharing our talents, wealth and time, we will find that we grow more and more each day.  Conversely, those who hide their talents, those who are selfish and protective, like the third servant in the gospel, will have their talents taken away from them.  When we do not share what we have, we eventually lose them.  A person who does not make use of his hands and legs will soon find himself unable to move at all.  The only way to find life is to give ourselves to others.

Most of all, we are called to take risks for the glory of God.  We must do everything for the honour of His name.  We must be ready to risk, venture into new areas in the task of proclaiming the gospel.  This is what the New Evangelization is all about, urging us to go beyond the traditional ways and old ways of proclaiming the gospel.  We must find new approaches to transmitting Christ to our present generation that can no longer understand God or experience Him as they are living in a world of relativism, secularism, science and technology.  This is precisely how Jesus lived His life.  He took risks by going against the conventional way of proclaiming the gospel, methods so different from the religious leaders of His time.  He irked them by His inimitable preaching, His eating with sinners and breaking the Sabbath Law.  Jesus was not afraid to take risks in proclaiming the Good News in a new way.

He risked loving and sharing His life with us because He lived only for His Father.  Even when He was on the cross, He took the risk of surrendering everything to the Father, commending everything to Him, not knowing how His mission was to be completed.  But because Jesus trusted in the Father totally, He was raised from the dead.  Of course, we have the shining example of the mother who unflinchingly “watched the death of seven sons in the course of a single day, and endured it resolutely because of her hopes in the Lord.”  Indeed she even encouraged each of them to give their lives for the Lord and be faithful to Him.  We must realize that at the end of the day, we do not live only for this world but for the life to come.  All that we do here on earth are both a preparation and a foretaste of the life that is to come. As the psalmist says, “Lord, when your glory appears, my joy will be full.”

Of course if we want to take risks with our life like Jesus, we too must cultivate the same relationship with God as Jesus did.  Unless we experience the Father’s love and trust in His providence and wisdom, we will not be able to take risks in loving.  Yes, what we need is the trust and faith of the mother in the first reading.  She trusted in God totally, knowing that God will raise her sons to a new and eternal life even though they were burnt to death for refusing to compromise with pagan practices. Like the psalmist we must believe that God will “attend to my outcry; hearken to my prayer from lips without deceit. I call upon you, for you will answer me, O God; incline your ear to me; hear my word. But I in justice shall behold your face; on waking, I shall be content in your presence.” We can also take the same risks in life when we trust that God will take care of us and that His providence will see us through.  And even when we suffer setbacks in life, we know that these are but occasions for God to strengthen us and build up our strength.  In this way, we can live our lives meaningfully, dynamically and joyfully.  For to live our life in such a way, in trust, in love, in service and facing up to all the challenges of life, is certainly to live in the Kingdom.

- See more at: http://www.csctr.net/reflections/#sthash.y7N3oSgn.dpuf

Testimony #4 - (CER36) Surrendering, Transforming

During the second praying over, I rested in the Spirit before Fr. William prayed over me. There were no catchers behind me and I hit my head onto the floor. It was painful, contradicting to what people have told me too that if it really is the Spirit, we will not feel any pain. What made my mind ‘churn’ further was that this time, there were no images, consolations, heat, cold, water droplets. Nothing. It did not take me long to get up so that when Father came, I might have a better chance of resting more ‘properly’.

But when Fr. William prayed over me and I fell again, I started doubting again. And the more I evaluated, the worse the desolations. Yet, there was a very brief moment during which I felt a strong conviction – far stronger than just a realization – that from then on, there is such an unbreakable bond between God and I that I will never be able to not love Him again. I had prayed earlier for Him to crucify me to Himself so that I will not be able to run away from Him again. I felt the sealing of this bond.

After this brief moment, my brain took over again and some time later, I heard a question posed to me, “I thought you said you will accept anything I give to you?” At once, I remembered that at the start of the praying over, I told Jesus that it did not matter if I rested or not because I will accept whatever He gives to me. As I continued lying there, feeling nothing in particular, the question I had to confront was, “Can I believe that God is healing me somehow even without me feeling it?” And yes, I believed. Somehow, I felt a deep inner calm, which I have not been able to experience for so many months. Prayer has been so difficult because I have been too restless to sit in stillness. God was healing me indeed without my knowing.

After the retreat, there were times I thought back about some of my past memories that used to make me feel awful but this time, there was a sense of detachment from those memories; they no longer had a hold on me. I could relive the memories with a calm acceptance and peace. I knew instantly that I have truly been healed.

That night, I brought the two praying-over experiences to prayer and realized that I have fallen prey again to the monsters in my head that seek to control, analyze, rationalize, judge and doubt. At this realization, it dawned upon me that this is one of the ‘work’ Jesus was referring to when He said, “We have work to.” The overturning of the parts of me that are hindrances in my relationship with God. I had stopped striving to be more Christ-like for months and I knew it was time to return to it. And I was all ready to press on. 

Testimony #3 - (CER36) Raised from Death

Although I have been to the Life in the Spirit Seminar twice in my teens, I have never rested in the Spirit until the first praying over at CER. I desired so much to experience this ‘resting’, for God to remove all obstacles that hinder in my loving Him and His people. I wanted to surrender entirely to Him and this has been a struggle for me who always finds the need for control and certainty.

During the first praying over, as we worshiped in songs, I directed all my attention to Jesus in the Blessed Sacrament. I sang and worshiped with my entire being, with everything I had, like never before. At times, I thought about the people who have hurt me and I cried. At other times, flashes of past scenes in which I had very deep encounters with God’s love came to mind and the tears fell like rain again. In those tears, I felt the faithful love of God for me, the assurance that His love has not changed one bit. It was liken to an old couple sitting in the porch reminiscing their courtship experiences and their love for each other. There were moments I turned to Mary and to my favourite saints, asking for their unceasing prayers. I felt Mary’s maternal love overwhelming me within.

When Fr. William prayed over me, I rested in the Spirit. Lying there on the floor, I was conscious of my surroundings. People have told me previously that when we rest in the Spirit, we will be immobile and unconscious of our surroundings. My mind started to notice, analyze and evaluate what was going on that time. Then, I told myself to stop thinking and just be surrendered. And after I did this, I had an image of a big field of tulips. In the middle of that field, I was there, dancing, spinning around, jumping. Free, liberated, light, full of peace and with joy overflowing. I had a big smile on my face.

A while later, I saw in my mind and felt Jesus walking to me on my right. He squatted down next to me. For the past one year, I have been becoming increasingly weary spiritually and for some weeks before the CER, I had wanted so much to be that little girl in the Gospel who Jesus raised from the dead. I was hoping for Jesus to somehow raise me from my growing spiritual death, which I just could not get out off on my own. So when Jesus came to squat next to me, this longing I have been feeling came to mind and I felt like that girl at last. Soon later, Jesus said very distinctly, “We have work to do.” I did not know what He meant but He’s slowly revealing it to me.

(to be continued…)

Testimony #2 - (CER36) For All, For God

During my Conversion Experience Retreat (36), I was blessed with several God-encounters, of which I would like to share two significant ones. Here's the first.

During one of the sessions that we had to do in pairs, I was waiting for my sister to pair up with me. I thought she would understand my feelings the best and so, she would be the best candidate. However, she was engaged with another retreatant in the exercise and they were taking a very long time. After waiting for at least 10 minutes, another buddy directed me to Fr. William. I wasn’t too sure if it was possible to ask Fr. William to pair up with me but I mustered all the courage I needed and asked him if he would. He generously put down what he was doing and agreed.

There came a point in the exercise I was crying a whole lot. The internal pain I felt from past hurts were being externalized and it was liberating.

That night, I brought this experience to God in prayer and what came up for me were not so much the crying and the healing. Rather, it was my encounter with this compassionate Bishop. In that prayer, as I recalled him holding my hands, I relived the love, acceptance and compassion that he conveyed through his disposition. I felt like I was really precious to someone, imperfect but not judged or condemned. Only loved. It was a reflection of my Heavenly Father’s unconditional love for me.

I recognized within me the kind of touch and love that I have been searching for in a partner for so many years but never could find in all my past relationships. Then immediately, I recognized that this yearning for such a love finds its roots in the lack of love I have been experiencing all through my life. Love in the fashion that I wanted, expressed in ways of gentleness and acceptance. This brought me to a deeper understanding of myself and my tendency to search for love in ways that could not satisfy and which also further reinforced my insecurities.

Right after this realization, it struck me too that Fr. William could only hold my hands in this manner because he has chosen not to hold just one person’s hands but to make himself available to all through his priestly vocation. He made his hands available to all for God. At once, it just clicked in me. I was filled with the conviction that I too want not to hold one person’s hands in marriage but to be for all, for God. I knew that deep within me, I want to spend my life working for God’s kingdom-building with all the gifts given to me – talents, time, health, past experiences. There isn’t anything else I want my life to count for.

This was a significant breakthrough for me because for the past three years, I have been looking for a religious congregation to join after a discernment process but haven’t quite been able to set my feet in any. It was during this experience in the retreat that I felt, for the first time, a deep-rooted desire to make the vows of a religious, to be consecrated to God. It is getting clearer that God’s call for me may not be to the religious life but to religiosity, and to minister to the spiritually hungry specifically in Singapore. I am thankful that it has been made much clearer for me in this getting in touch with the desires that lie at the core of my heart.

To God be all praise and honour. 

And The Lame Shall Walk

Have you ever sprained an ankle or fractured a bone? Or maybe, cut your finger and had to bandage it? I recall those days of playing basketball when I sprained my ankles a few times and most recently, when I had to do a very minor surgery to remove the embedded splinters in my finger. Sounds like a pretty unpleasant topic to speak about. But it is interesting and maybe even necessary to recall the inconveniences we faced in those times of injuries. 

When I had my finger wrapped, bathing was difficult. I had to pay extra attention not to use that finger to wash my hair. It felt strange, like using a comb with missing teeth. The parts of my head that were 'taken care' of by that finger had to be 'babysitted' by the other fingers, which had to cover their usual parts plus the additional. Washing my hair took a longer time than usual. The injured finger quite naturally went back to the washing since that is one of its function but then awareness pulls it back again. 

When I sprained my ankle, walking was difficult. Feeling the pain and being aware that any aggravation would make the injury heal slower, I walked less and leaned more towards the side that is not injured. In the end, I found myself straining the healthy side too with the additional weight.

If you had similar experiences, can you recall what it felt like to have a part of your body not functioning as it should and normally would? 

I bring this up because most people are blessed with a healthy body and for this, I have never considered myself a cripple and could not relate very much at all with those cripples Jesus met in the Gospel stories. But we do not need to be physically crippled to experience what it is like to be crippled, to be inhibited and unable to enjoy the lightness and agility in our movements. In our emotional, psychological and spiritual aspects of life, do you remember ever feeling heavily weighed down, burdened, like a stone pressing down on your heart? 

There are many things that can cripple us. A promotion that went to someone else, a guilt of having said hurtful things, a project gone wrong, an addiction to pornography or gambling, disappointment with some religious or priests, a family member who has gone astray, arguments between parents, suicide of a loved one, less than desirable examination results… So many things can cripple us. 

Where there is a lacking, there we are crippled by our wanting. 
Where there is hurt, there we are crippled by our unforgiveness.
Where there is sin, there we are crippled by guilt.
Where there is disharmony, there we are crippled by fear.
Where there is expectation, we are crippled by disappointments.
Where there is rejection, self-doubts.
Where there is a threat, the need to defend and protect ourselves. 
Where there is insecurities, we are crippled by the need to prove our worth. 
Greed, pride… leads to so many wants. 

All these wants weigh us down. We are always searching, never satisfied. Always hungry and never filled. Always running after things we think we must have and never feeling happy. 

Society defines our lives, our satisfaction and happiness. Ladies must dress up. We must work overtime so that people will not speak ill of us. Grownups cannot play with soft toys, cannot be like a child once in a while because we will look childish and stupid. So many adults have forgotten what it is like to play, to let loose and just GO… without fear of falling down, without an image to uphold. Even some (not all) priests and religious seem to have an image to uphold. To be prim and proper, serious, composed. Cannot let others know about their weaknesses. True that people will stare and talk when they see a religious hopping around, dancing about, smiling from ear to ear. But that's their own pride, insecurities and prejudices to handle. 

How does one rejoice and truly be joyful then? Without being able to raise one's hands, to sing at the top of one's voice, to move one's feet in dancing without feeling the need to be inhibited… how does one truly express the joy of the Lord when inhibited? When concerned about how others will see us? 

We are crippled when we cannot be who we truly are, when we cannot live like a redeemed son and daughter of God… freely, without putting on another image or a mask. When we cannot love fully because of the fear of being hurt… when our actions do not match our feelings. When we dare not be unique but are governed by conformity… When we shun away from the intensity of our hurts and sufferings… 

source

And here in our handicap is Jesus saying to you, to me, "I order you: get up, and pick up your stretcher and go home." Lk 5:23 Stand up and walk!!

What joy it is when my ankle was well again and I could walk properly, when my finger recovered and I could freely play the piano and type on the computer again. What joy it is when we need not be burdened to meet expectations, earn love, win approval, hold back someone else's faults. What joy it is to believe and live fully in the love of God. 

When I sin, I return to Him and receive forgiveness.
When I am hurt, I stretch out my hands to receive His healing.
When I doubt myself, I return into my Father's arms and remember I am loved and always good enough for Him by His mercy.
When I am happy, I claim that happiness.
When I am sad, I let myself grieve.  
When I cannot, I rely on Him.
In Jesus, I can be who I am, imperfect, seeking perfection. 
In Jesus, I can be freed of all inordinate attachments. 

Truly, He has come to set prisoners free. The lame shall walk, the blind shall see, the deaf shall hear. 
Blessed be the name of the Lord. In Him alone is found true and lasting freedom. The freedom to drop all I do not need even if the world says I need them. The freedom of having no need, no lacking because I have everything in Him who created me, sustains me, and to Whom I will return.

How have you been a cripple too? And how is Jesus asking you to get up and walk? How is He breaking your chains and asking you to go free?