During the second praying over, I rested in the Spirit before Fr. William prayed over me. There were no catchers behind me and I hit my head onto the floor. It was painful, contradicting to what people have told me too that if it really is the Spirit, we will not feel any pain. What made my mind ‘churn’ further was that this time, there were no images, consolations, heat, cold, water droplets. Nothing. It did not take me long to get up so that when Father came, I might have a better chance of resting more ‘properly’.
But when Fr. William prayed over me and I fell again, I started doubting again. And the more I evaluated, the worse the desolations. Yet, there was a very brief moment during which I felt a strong conviction – far stronger than just a realization – that from then on, there is such an unbreakable bond between God and I that I will never be able to not love Him again. I had prayed earlier for Him to crucify me to Himself so that I will not be able to run away from Him again. I felt the sealing of this bond.
After this brief moment, my brain took over again and some time later, I heard a question posed to me, “I thought you said you will accept anything I give to you?” At once, I remembered that at the start of the praying over, I told Jesus that it did not matter if I rested or not because I will accept whatever He gives to me. As I continued lying there, feeling nothing in particular, the question I had to confront was, “Can I believe that God is healing me somehow even without me feeling it?” And yes, I believed. Somehow, I felt a deep inner calm, which I have not been able to experience for so many months. Prayer has been so difficult because I have been too restless to sit in stillness. God was healing me indeed without my knowing.
After the retreat, there were times I thought back about some of my past memories that used to make me feel awful but this time, there was a sense of detachment from those memories; they no longer had a hold on me. I could relive the memories with a calm acceptance and peace. I knew instantly that I have truly been healed.