Living here below is wearisome to me, my dear Father (Agostino). It is such a bitter torment to me to live in exile that I can hardly go on any longer.
The thought that at any moment I could lose Jesus terrifies me in a way I cannot explain. (Letters I)
The above was written by St. Pio of Pietrelcina to Padre Agostino. When I read this in the book "Pray, Hope, and Don't Worry" by Diane Allen, I was taken aback for a moment. "The thought that at any moment I could lose Jesus terrifies me in a way I cannot explain." For the first time, I was faced with this question "Do I feel terrified with the thought of losing Jesus?" This question played in my mind repeatedly. For some time, I was disappointed that I did not get a sense that I would be terrified like St. Pio was. Reflecting a little deeper, I came to realise that perhaps, it is not that I would not be terrified but rather, I have never reflected deep enough on what would happen to me if I really lost Jesus, and needless to say, I have never appreciated Jesus deeply enough to treasure Him with such intensity and tenderness. I do not know what Jesus really mean to me at a personal and intimate level. What about you? Does the thought of losing Jesus terrify you too?
In all my retreats so far, I have been guided to discover who I am to Jesus, so much so that I'm convinced of how precious I am to Jesus, of how my entire life is in His hands, of how He will always provide for my every need because He loves me so infinitely. I have no doubts that Jesus loves me, despite whatever my life holds. But now, who is Jesus to me? Now, it is my turn to get clear on how much I love Him, how much I need and want Him in my life, what my continuous commitment is to Him, not at a superficial level but at the depths of my being. For all those times I said I loved Jesus, how much of it did I really mean? For all those times I said I will take up my cross and walk on with Him as His disciple, how have I truly lived in this manner? I am going to take Holy Week to reflect more deeply on what Jesus truly mean to me.
I pray that those who read this entry will join me in this reflection, especially in this Holy Week; there cannot be a more appropriate time than this. As we approach Good Friday, when we remember Jesus suffering and dying for us, let us look deep inside ourselves at who is Jesus to us, how important is He in our lives, what would we do without Him, how much do we love Him, what distance are we willing to go for Him, will we be terrified at the thought of losing Him? Is the thought of losing our dear ones or our jobs more terrifying? I strongly believe that if we never get clear on our stand about Jesus, we will always have ambiguity and inconsistency in our daily thoughts, words and deeds. Once we are clear, we will be at a better disposition to make the right choices each day as we determinedly seek to walk more closely in God's ways. Please join me in this reflection.
17 April 2011, Sunday
7.01pm
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