This post is the first of its kind on my blog.
And it is a part of my commitment to Evangelisation, testifying to God's work in my life, in the hope that more people will come to know Jesus who constantly awaits and seeks them too.
A little background...
It has been more than a decade since I last went for a healing service (charismatic style). Back then, I was involved in the youth ministry in my parish and went regularly to the Youth Praise Ministry (YPM). In the Youth in the Spirit Seminar and Life in the Spirit Seminar, I encountered God's love and healing but in those days of being so green in the healing process and barely knowing anything much at all about spirituality, I did not know very much about surrendering, letting God take control, resting in the Spirit, etc.
I became more familiar with faith, surrendering and openness over the last 3 years plus and it really proved helpful as I participated in the most recent Conversion Experience Retreat (CER). It was only at this retreat that I experienced resting in the Spirit. What is important is not the resting in the Spirit per say but the grace to think less, control less and to allow myself to be at God's disposal. In so doing, I am more able to acknowledge that I am not God and to allow God to be God.
Last night's healing...
Last night, I was at the 4th Saturday Mass and healing service at the Catholic Spirituality Centre. A lady prayed over me and this time, I asked God to remove every obstacle in me that prevented me from loving my mother whole-heartedly. My desire for this was strong.
After some time of lying there on the floor, my attention was shifted to an incident that I have no memory of but I knew it happened because my mother mentioned it a few times before. I was very young and she was carrying me down the stairs when she either missed a step or slipped. She was so worried that I would fall from her arms and get badly injured. So she held me really tight as we fell. I do not know how bad was the fall, if she was injured as a result or what happened in the end other than the fact that I was not hurt.
This incident came to my mind in an instance and although I have no memory of it, I felt my mother's tight embrace as I was on the floor last night. I began to tear as I felt the Spirit wrapping my mother's love around me so intensely. I felt that she loves me with her life.
All my life, I know my mother loves me. I'm convinced of her love. She has dedicated her life to the family, always putting us before her own needs. Because of the many things she has done to show her love, I know she loves me. But this knowing has, most of the time, been a knowledge in my head. Somehow, this knowing has not travelled to my heart. I do not know what is the missing link. Could she be so caught up with the doing that she paid little attention to her being and so I could not experience her love? Could it be that she showed her love differently from how I would have liked her to? Could it be that I have shut my heart and so I could not experience her love? Maybe I took her love for granted. Maybe it has been a combination of all these.
Whatever the case, I have finally felt the embrace of her love. This, I knew at that moment, was the key that opened my heart to love and accept her again for who she is and who she is not. After the service, I went up to my mom and hugged her. As usual, she gives me a brief hug but this time, I held her longer whether or not she was returning the same big beary hug.
I'm sure there is more healing I need but I will be patient and take it one step at a time, with Jesus by my side...
To God be all glory and praise.