Allocutio - Evangelization - Love through Prayer [II]

Allocutio for Our Lady of Victories Presidium - 7 March 2017

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What is the difference between a meeting with a good old friend and potential parents-in-law?

I have had potential parents-in-law before and meeting them brought me more stress than meeting anyone else. Imagine that first meeting! I paid tremendous attention on the way I dressed, sat, ate, and spoke, even on the amount of food I put on my plate. I put my usual flaws before me all the time and watched very carefully not to say anything to give myself away. What a silly insecurity I had, which did not trust that I would be loved for who I am. And so, I had to give the impression that I am virtuous and well-mannered, and will be a good partner and future addition to the family. I needed their approval. And I was not going to be totally transparent and honest about who I am. At least not yet. Maybe not until the relationship develops further to a certain level of trust and comfort. And that is only maybe.

How pleasantly different it is when I think about meeting a good friend instead. I feel immediately at ease. Relaxed. For I know the approval has already been given, in good times and in bad, in my beauty as well as in my ugliness. I trust my good friend to enjoy my strengths and walk with me through my weaknesses. She pains with me in my difficulties and is relieved with me when things turn for the better. All these I am drawn also to do and be for her. Have you encountered such a relationship before?

I dare to tell her how she has hurt me or to argue over a disagreement because I trust in who I mean to her and can feel secure enough to be dead honest. Each encounter is marked by the quality of the time spent together, the depth of sharing invested, and the life and love I (and she) receive from the encounter. There is growth, connection, deepening and I learn more about myself and her and others and God.

Two different meetings, bringing out very different essences of me, and two starkly different experiences and effects on me and the other.

What is prayer like for you? When you meet Jesus and Mary in prayer, who do you meet? Who do you present to them? Do you notice any reservations or discomfort about being your true self in prayer?

In the past 2 weeks, I shared about evangelization, a facilitation of another person’s true encounter with God by being love to the person. Being love by first being loved ourselves, firstly, by God in prayer.

“The object of the Legion of Mary,” as stated on p.11 of the Legion handbook, “is the glory of God through the holiness of its members developed by prayer and active cooperation…” And on p.13, “While on earth her (Mary’s) life was like that of any other, … always, however, she remained intimately united to her Son and cooperated in … the Saviour’s work…”

Jesus invites us to follow Mary’s example of always being intimately united to Him. And a prerequisite of this intimacy is being authentic with Him. He knows all that is in us and already loves us as we are. There is no need to do anything or be anyone to win His love. He desires to be with the real us in our real experiences, not the façade of who we want to be or portray ourselves to be.

So when I am angry, even with Jesus, I tell Him I am angry and complain to Him about Him. When I am hurt and cannot forgive, I tell Him that I know I should forgive this person but right now, no! And I throw my tantrums. Not because He does not already know what is inside me but when I articulate it, I am acknowledging and expressing what is otherwise trapped or suppressed inside. This primarily benefits me. And then in whatever I am experiencing, He speaks, persuades, moves my heart, reveals, guides, loves, heals, forgives.

Some of the fruits of such prayer are a deepening personal relationship with God, our growing into the likeness of God who is love, and the bringing of this love into our relationships with others – evangelization.

Slowly but surely, let us allow ourselves to be loved and filled for the apostolic work by a more authentic prayer life. 

Allocutio - Evangelization - Love through Prayer

Allocutio for Our Lady of Victories Legion of Mary Presidium - 27 February 2017

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Last week, I shared about love being the underlying intention and energy of our evangelizing works. So... would you consider yourself as a person filled with love that flows out to others?

For me, I struggle very much to be love to others. The words I know will hurt but I still say them in my anger. The words I know will comfort but I do not say because I am afraid of that person’s reaction. The forgiveness I refuse the one who has caused me so much pain and I choose instead to hold my anger. The patience I refuse the inconsiderate driver taking advantage of me. And Jesus said, “Love your enemies.” HOW? Even to love the seemingly harmless people may at times be a challenge when I am tired, when I have a whole load of things to finish and I have no time, when I am too caught up with my own life to be available to others. 

How can I love more? Is it by trying even harder? By downplaying my anger and hurt, my need for rest and for time to finish my duties?

I would like to suggest that we love by first allowing ourselves to be loved. By we ourselves encountering love; encountering God. We are blessed with people who love us, however small or great the deed. God is loving us through these people. However, the fast pace of most of our lives do not allow us time to pause, recognise and savour how loved we are. The love passes us by, unnoticed, unreceived. 

We can also come to the direct experience of God’s love for us in our prayers, when we contemplate the Gospel passages, when we receive a healing, when we witness a miracle, a difficult situation turns for the better. When we have a God-experience, the usual emotion is great joy. But like the high of a retreat, it tends to fizzle away after awhile and life resumes its normal momentum. 

The truth is... We cannot give from an emptiness. To love in our apostolate work, we need first to be filled with love. This does not happen naturally. Time and effort are required for us to receive love. And we do this through prayer. A deepening personal relationship with Jesus. And you might have heard this many times over and are already a praying person. But allow me to highlight its importance once again. 

I am referring to conversational prayers, where we sit before Jesus as we are, in our anger, joys, tears, unforgiveness, excitement. And we tell Him all about us in all honesty, scold if we need to, complain, cry, smile from ear to ear, say a thousand 'thank yous'. And then listen to His soft promptings in our hearts, noticing what He is trying to say to us. Experiencing Him loving us in our pain, persuading us in our stubbornness, loving us in our rejections, forgiving us in our failures. In prayer, the Holy Spirit also reveals to us how we are loved or unloved, leading us to savour the love, allowing it to move our hearts and guide us to share this love also with others. And towards the un-love we experience, we can seek the grace to forgive and be consoled by a God who loves us infinitely. 

The fruit of prayer is that it positively affects our interactions with people. The love we receive shows up in the way we are with one another. Love is always self-giving and cannot wait to pour itself out to those around. Prayer does not change our situations or the unlovable person we find so hard to love. It changes us. Our hearts. If we do not notice our interactions with people becoming more life-giving over time, we might like to examine the quality of our prayer life. 

We are told several times in the Gospel that “Mary pondered these things in her heart.” Mary was always connected with God. Always pondering, to hold in her heart her experiences, not yet fully understanding them but allowing God to slowly reveal Himself. A sense of attentiveness to what God might be saying, leading, calling forth. The Collect prayer at Mass last week read, "... that, always pondering spiritual things, we may carry out in both word and deed that which is pleasing to you." From what are we doing the apostolate work that we are doing, if not from prayer and a deepening personal relationship with Jesus? This is the starting point.

Prayer is also what is asked of us during this season of Lent. Prayer in which we allow God to move our hearts to where they need to be so that we can become true vessels of love to those we are called to evangelize. Let us deepen our prayer life this Lent.

Allocutio - Evangelization - Intention of Love

Allocutio for the Legion of Mary meeting - 20 February 2017

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One big aspect of being a Legionary is the apostolate work we do, which is actually evangelization.

Fr Bede McGregor, O.P gave this definition of evangelization at the 2012 International Eucharistic Congress. 

He said:

"Evangelization is facilitating an authentic meeting of another person with Jesus Christ…"

“Authentic”. There are many imitation goods circulating in the markets in our time. You might have watched the online video. We can even use plastic to make something that looks and feels so much like a real cabbage. But however similar it is, it is not real. And how do we tell? By the substance. What is beneath the superficial that the eye cannot see.

I would like to suggest that it is also possible to facilitate imitation meetings of people with Jesus through the work that we do in His Name. Acts we may perform that look charitable, kind, loving. But the substance beneath the surface might not actually be charity, kindness and love. It may be obligation, self-glorification, even Christian duty and the list goes on.

The truth is… Imitation meetings with Jesus cannot allow a person to truly encounter Him. And that is not evangelisation.

Since God is love, authentic encounters with Jesus is the encounter with love itself. When we love and the person experiences this love, he is experiencing God, even though he may not be aware it is God. I was working in a women's shelter, and there were moments a girl was crying because of family problems. I can be beside her and place my hand on her back to comfort her. But I can do that while thinking about something else actually or just telling myself that she is crying, I am a staff here, and so I should do something to comfort her. In my heart, I am not with her in her pain, I am not loving her by my presence, and she will not experience love. 

The work we do becomes only the router for us to transmit the signal of love. And only then can the person come to know Jesus and the compassionate love of God. John Powell wrote, “Unselfish human love is the sacramental introduction to the God of love.”

And this is our call and purpose of our Legionary work. We work as part of a larger reality of Church, to continue Jesus’ mission of spreading the Good News of God’s infinite love for His people. Our apostolate work is not just to make a suffering person feel better, to offer help to one who is not coping optimally, etc. These are different expressions of our one underlying mission to continue the mission of Jesus.

And this was what Mary did, especially by being herself the vessel that brought Jesus into our world. She gave Love to us. We are familiar with the story of the Annunciation. Her ‘yes’ was needed for the incarnation, for God to love us through Jesus. Similarly, our ‘yes’ is needed for the continued incarnation of God through our apostolate work. Not just an imitation incarnation but that deep within us as we are performing each work, we love. In what we say, we love. In what we hold ourselves back from saying or doing, we love. That love becomes the energy at the foundation of all we think, say and do.

I would like to invite us in this week, in all our daily routines and the additional we may do as our Legionary apostolate work, that we pay extra attention to our very subtle intentions. May we be more conscious to love as Jesus loves us. Amen.

MERCY [1]

I have been attending the Lent-Easter retreat at the parish of St. Ignatius. It is based on the book written by Fr. James Keenan, SJ, entitled "The Works of Mercy". I will attempt to pen my thoughts and takeaways. After all, it's been a long time since I blogged. 

Mercy, as Fr Keenan defines, is "the willingness to enter the chaos of others to answer them in their need." I sat with this definition for a substantial length of time, trying to grasp it more deeply and let it shape my beliefs. It was captivating because I never thought that mercy goes beyond unconditional forgiveness. Now, understanding this term anew, what would it then mean in the experiences of everyday life? What does entering into another's chaos do for the person in chaos? What is the significance of God's first entering into my own chaos? 

Entering into chaos, into imperfections, is a very scary idea. Especially for people with a special OCD (obsessive compulsive behaviour) that finds security in order - and in that, to control one's life and hold it in order. What fear insecurity then brings when one enters into chaos - be it the chaos of another person's life or even his own. 

Chaos has been what I have tried in many attempts to avoid. Even those of my own. In fact, it begins with escaping from my own chaos. It is hard to see what is not good about myself, the good that I know I should do but somehow do not choose to do, and the bad that I know I should not do but somehow unwisely choose to do precisely so. It is hard and I do not want to see because of my expectations of myself. And perhaps, more fundamentally, because I have developed a phobia towards imperfections, which have an incredible ability to cause me deep wounds. Maybe, even trauma. When I find myself caught in painful situations I cannot run from. And when I do not seek and receive the healing I so need, then with every choice I get to fight or flight when threatened to be badly wounded again, I will most certainly choose flight. And I flee by building walls to keep the threats out. Emotionally, they have no access to me, and will have no means to harm me. 

The larger problem arises when flight is not an option. When I am caught in situations involving people I cannot keep outside the walls. People I care about and who I cannot - though sometimes I try to - throw beyond the walls. In such situations, it is like an ant trapped in a box. It hurries in all directions trying to get out of the box, to be freed, but there is no way out. And it continues to scurry around, tensed, fighting for its life. 

Similarly, when I am trapped in the box of other people's chaos while I actually do not wish to embrace this cross, I will feel most insecure and anger, being the disguised fear, will cripple me when any random person does anything - small and big - that puts me in a threat of getting hurt. Anger begets anger, a growing reservoir waiting to pour itself out as soon as anyone pushes the trigger button to open the floodgates. 

How is any of these life-giving to me? The very refusal to enter into my chaos and the chaos of others in the attempt of self-preservation backfires (always) and depletes my life on the contrary. 

The only life-giving choice left for me to make then is to stop resisting and rejecting chaos, since our human nature in itself is chaos, and to begin to embrace the courageous pilgrimage into the depths of chaos. 

Alright, so I shall accept my imperfections. I shall extend mercy towards myself. I shall try to work on the areas that need transformation. And that's already a whole lifetime's project for myself. Why should I enter into the chaos of other people? Especially when they are the ones who have done great wrong, and who have caused me excruciating pain? 

(to be continued...)

Finding Baby Jesus in a Shelter

posted on Facebook on Christmas Eve...

This is my first Christmas eating such a simple dinner. Away from family and all the abundant good food. Missing midnight Mass and the whole hype of Christmas that I'm used to.

This year, I somehow find it hard to get into the Christmas mood. I cannot even connect much with the fact that it's Christmas Eve today. Time passes too quickly.

But what is the Christmas mood? Presents? Cribs? Nativity scenes? Carolling? Bright lights? Christmas trees? Is there a particular way I need to feel on this special night? 

I do not think it is a sad fact that I'm working on this night. Neither am I over the moon. But I'm beginning to experience what this Christmas night truly means in its more authentic sense. Now that I'm void of all the external facades that are supposed to form the equation of Christmas. 

One of the girls said to me just now that she doesn't like all these Christmas celebrations because she is here, separated from her family. And I told her, "Me too. I'm also not with my family. Same same." And I smiled at her. Yet not quite the same, since I'll be back with my family tomorrow. 

Though I cannot imagine what it exactly is like in their shoes, there is a sense of solidarity with the poor and abused. God is using me to prove His love and faithfulness to these who are beaten down by others. And aren't there many more people out there celebrating this Christmas night alone? Perhaps even without a roof over their heads? Many foreign workers might still be working hard tonight. Who will bring them the joy of Christmas? 

Then, I handed a Christmas present to our newest girl. She was surprised that there're Christmas presents for them too. With tears in her eyes, she told me she's so touched and thanked me. And my eyes became wet too. Something moved within. 

God chose to enter into our lives, yes, even our very messy lives, even our at times stinky lives. And He showed this from the start of Jesus's life when He chose to be incarnated not as a mighty King on a high throne, dressed in royal robes, being waited upon in a huge palace, with an army troop securing His safety. But in a humble stable, among sheep and cattle, perhaps on a heap of hay. Smelly, noisy with the sounds of animals, messy, no facilities. Where water has to be fetched from a distance, food not served on a platter. Defenceless baby, completely vulnerable. Shabby. 

What do all these mean for me? I now find myself spending this night in a stable with Jesus. And am I not more connected with baby Jesus tonight than every other Christmas nights that have passed? Tonight, I share especially in the joy of Mary, who pained to bring Jesus into our world, our lives, as I surrender my usual Christmas indulgences to bring Jesus to this very minute part of the world. 

May Jesus be born anew in our hearts and through us, into our world. And joy, peace and love be thus ours to have and to share. 

Blessed Christmas everyone!!! 🎄🐿

Human & Divine Functioning

Do you recall the time when you were still a child? What would your parents' reaction be when they found out you did something wrong, whether it was accidental or deliberate? What would your teachers' reaction be? 

I find it very difficult and perhaps even impossible to recall a time when I received a reaction that was anything less than anger and disappointment. There were times too when I even thought to myself that I would not be forgiven again this time and there was no way I could redeem myself from the wrong I had done. On top of facing the anger and disappointment of the one I had offended, I was often plagued with guilt, self-blame and disappointment with my own self. And it was only when I glimpsed some hope, when this person reverted back to the normal way of talking and relating with me that I eased up, heaved a sigh of relief and got energised and affirmed again that I could start anew. 

Over the years, I became conditioned. Conditioned to the ways of the world. If I did something wrong, if I behaved in a less than pleasing manner, I would be frowned upon. Faulted, blamed. Unlovable. I cannot be lovable when I am not good, when I fail to meet expectations. 

And how naturally do I bring this conditioned understanding of cause-and-effect into my relationship with God. How often do I find myself trapped in my unbelief that God can continue to smile and delight in me when I am anything but pleasing. How often do I shun away from His love because I cannot relate with the reality of who God is - that despite my ugliness and faults, He still loves me and smiles at me. A reality that turned upside down my understanding of human functioning, defined by the ways of the world. Forgetting that His is Divine functioning. No anger, no questions, no blame, no disappointments. Only love, only hope, only patience and understanding... 1 Cor 13. Only the invitation to return to His side though He has not left me one bit. 

This Divine functioning. Completely radical and beyond human understanding. It makes all that is illogical logical. And I need to allow Him to recondition me so that I may no longer be lost in my own disappointments and be held captive by my doubts towards His ever-smiling face. I can live free and secure in the love that compels my God to run out to meet me along my journey back to Him... Lk 15.

Do you also experience blockages in your relationship with God because of your upbringing and life experiences? How can you allow Him to recondition your understanding of Divine functioning?