Looking Into Her Eyes

Jean (not her real name) is a fairly young lady who went to the hospital to visit a 91 years old lady she had just met 2 months ago. This old lady, Anna (not her real name), participated in a Christmas pageant in 2010, which had its majority of the cast made up of elderly and terminally ill on wheelchairs. Anna's health took a sudden downturn after Christmas and was admitted to the ICU. She was transferred to the normal ward but was unable to speak and had difficulties breathing. 


It was Jean's first time visiting someone she was not very familiar with and who was dying. She went alone. She did not know beforehand what to expect, what she was going to do or say. She went into the room, greeted Anna, waved the little Carebear stuff toy she bought at the Pharmacy and then looked hard into Anna's eyes, which stared back at her for a long time. She wasn't sure if Anna knew who she was as they had only met during the few rehearsals for the pageant. Yet, Jean saw suffering in those eyes and in that suffering, she saw Jesus on the cross, probably also gasping for air. And she thought of the many people who are dying alone, in fear. Before leaving the hospital, Jean told Anna she would visit again the next day. However, in the afternoon of the next day, Anna passed away, before Jean could visit.


I believe that Jean, in those moments of looking into Anna's eyes, saw and "touched" the sufferings of Anna and even deeper than that, of Jesus. She must have felt the deep compassion for the pain and struggles Anna and Jesus went through. And through her own compassionate eyes, she would have, in turn, communicated love and comfort to Anna. It must have been a moment that no words could ever replace. 


When was the last time we dared to stare hard at sufferings and be comfortable with it? When was the last time we allowed the plight of others to move our hearts more thoroughly and realise more fully the sufferings of Christ? 


When we see a tragic photo in the papers or a cruel act recorded in the news, we turn away because it is too painful to watch on. We pretend life is rosy and try our best to maintain the harmony in our hearts. We hate the feeling of those butterflies fluttering around in our hearts when sufferings we see around us threaten the wholeness of life's beauty. 


Yet, if we never challenge ourselves to accept and embrace sufferings, be they of others or ourselves, we can never deepen our relationship with God and we will never come to realise more deeply the infinite love God has for us because our eyes, minds and hearts will be closed and blind towards the suffering of God, which is His sign of just how much He loves us. If we cannot see His sign of love, how can we know of this love? How can anyone who has never seen even a picture of a polar bear know how it looks like? We can only hear from another's description of a polar bear cub but we will never be able to experience just how adorable and heart-warming it looks.


Not knowing of this great love of God, there is absolutely no way we can realise how much we want to reciprocate this love. We can only feel the burning desire to love when we have been transformed by the experience of an infinite love because the one and only response to love is love itself. When we experience how loved we are by God, our hearts will feel so stretched because its finiteness cannot contain such a great amount of love. The only way to contain this love is to use it; to use it to love in return. 


May we be more sensitive to and respond more selflessly to the sufferings and needs of others, to not shun away but to look upon it compassionately and courageously and let the uncomfortable feeling inside us enlarge our hearts more and more so that God can enter more fully into our more spacious hearts and make His home in us. 


06 January 2011
10.06pm