Testimony #3 - (CER36) Raised from Death

Although I have been to the Life in the Spirit Seminar twice in my teens, I have never rested in the Spirit until the first praying over at CER. I desired so much to experience this ‘resting’, for God to remove all obstacles that hinder in my loving Him and His people. I wanted to surrender entirely to Him and this has been a struggle for me who always finds the need for control and certainty.

During the first praying over, as we worshiped in songs, I directed all my attention to Jesus in the Blessed Sacrament. I sang and worshiped with my entire being, with everything I had, like never before. At times, I thought about the people who have hurt me and I cried. At other times, flashes of past scenes in which I had very deep encounters with God’s love came to mind and the tears fell like rain again. In those tears, I felt the faithful love of God for me, the assurance that His love has not changed one bit. It was liken to an old couple sitting in the porch reminiscing their courtship experiences and their love for each other. There were moments I turned to Mary and to my favourite saints, asking for their unceasing prayers. I felt Mary’s maternal love overwhelming me within.

When Fr. William prayed over me, I rested in the Spirit. Lying there on the floor, I was conscious of my surroundings. People have told me previously that when we rest in the Spirit, we will be immobile and unconscious of our surroundings. My mind started to notice, analyze and evaluate what was going on that time. Then, I told myself to stop thinking and just be surrendered. And after I did this, I had an image of a big field of tulips. In the middle of that field, I was there, dancing, spinning around, jumping. Free, liberated, light, full of peace and with joy overflowing. I had a big smile on my face.

A while later, I saw in my mind and felt Jesus walking to me on my right. He squatted down next to me. For the past one year, I have been becoming increasingly weary spiritually and for some weeks before the CER, I had wanted so much to be that little girl in the Gospel who Jesus raised from the dead. I was hoping for Jesus to somehow raise me from my growing spiritual death, which I just could not get out off on my own. So when Jesus came to squat next to me, this longing I have been feeling came to mind and I felt like that girl at last. Soon later, Jesus said very distinctly, “We have work to do.” I did not know what He meant but He’s slowly revealing it to me.

(to be continued…)

Testimony #2 - (CER36) For All, For God

During my Conversion Experience Retreat (36), I was blessed with several God-encounters, of which I would like to share two significant ones. Here's the first.

During one of the sessions that we had to do in pairs, I was waiting for my sister to pair up with me. I thought she would understand my feelings the best and so, she would be the best candidate. However, she was engaged with another retreatant in the exercise and they were taking a very long time. After waiting for at least 10 minutes, another buddy directed me to Fr. William. I wasn’t too sure if it was possible to ask Fr. William to pair up with me but I mustered all the courage I needed and asked him if he would. He generously put down what he was doing and agreed.

There came a point in the exercise I was crying a whole lot. The internal pain I felt from past hurts were being externalized and it was liberating.

That night, I brought this experience to God in prayer and what came up for me were not so much the crying and the healing. Rather, it was my encounter with this compassionate Bishop. In that prayer, as I recalled him holding my hands, I relived the love, acceptance and compassion that he conveyed through his disposition. I felt like I was really precious to someone, imperfect but not judged or condemned. Only loved. It was a reflection of my Heavenly Father’s unconditional love for me.

I recognized within me the kind of touch and love that I have been searching for in a partner for so many years but never could find in all my past relationships. Then immediately, I recognized that this yearning for such a love finds its roots in the lack of love I have been experiencing all through my life. Love in the fashion that I wanted, expressed in ways of gentleness and acceptance. This brought me to a deeper understanding of myself and my tendency to search for love in ways that could not satisfy and which also further reinforced my insecurities.

Right after this realization, it struck me too that Fr. William could only hold my hands in this manner because he has chosen not to hold just one person’s hands but to make himself available to all through his priestly vocation. He made his hands available to all for God. At once, it just clicked in me. I was filled with the conviction that I too want not to hold one person’s hands in marriage but to be for all, for God. I knew that deep within me, I want to spend my life working for God’s kingdom-building with all the gifts given to me – talents, time, health, past experiences. There isn’t anything else I want my life to count for.

This was a significant breakthrough for me because for the past three years, I have been looking for a religious congregation to join after a discernment process but haven’t quite been able to set my feet in any. It was during this experience in the retreat that I felt, for the first time, a deep-rooted desire to make the vows of a religious, to be consecrated to God. It is getting clearer that God’s call for me may not be to the religious life but to religiosity, and to minister to the spiritually hungry specifically in Singapore. I am thankful that it has been made much clearer for me in this getting in touch with the desires that lie at the core of my heart.

To God be all praise and honour. 

And The Lame Shall Walk

Have you ever sprained an ankle or fractured a bone? Or maybe, cut your finger and had to bandage it? I recall those days of playing basketball when I sprained my ankles a few times and most recently, when I had to do a very minor surgery to remove the embedded splinters in my finger. Sounds like a pretty unpleasant topic to speak about. But it is interesting and maybe even necessary to recall the inconveniences we faced in those times of injuries. 

When I had my finger wrapped, bathing was difficult. I had to pay extra attention not to use that finger to wash my hair. It felt strange, like using a comb with missing teeth. The parts of my head that were 'taken care' of by that finger had to be 'babysitted' by the other fingers, which had to cover their usual parts plus the additional. Washing my hair took a longer time than usual. The injured finger quite naturally went back to the washing since that is one of its function but then awareness pulls it back again. 

When I sprained my ankle, walking was difficult. Feeling the pain and being aware that any aggravation would make the injury heal slower, I walked less and leaned more towards the side that is not injured. In the end, I found myself straining the healthy side too with the additional weight.

If you had similar experiences, can you recall what it felt like to have a part of your body not functioning as it should and normally would? 

I bring this up because most people are blessed with a healthy body and for this, I have never considered myself a cripple and could not relate very much at all with those cripples Jesus met in the Gospel stories. But we do not need to be physically crippled to experience what it is like to be crippled, to be inhibited and unable to enjoy the lightness and agility in our movements. In our emotional, psychological and spiritual aspects of life, do you remember ever feeling heavily weighed down, burdened, like a stone pressing down on your heart? 

There are many things that can cripple us. A promotion that went to someone else, a guilt of having said hurtful things, a project gone wrong, an addiction to pornography or gambling, disappointment with some religious or priests, a family member who has gone astray, arguments between parents, suicide of a loved one, less than desirable examination results… So many things can cripple us. 

Where there is a lacking, there we are crippled by our wanting. 
Where there is hurt, there we are crippled by our unforgiveness.
Where there is sin, there we are crippled by guilt.
Where there is disharmony, there we are crippled by fear.
Where there is expectation, we are crippled by disappointments.
Where there is rejection, self-doubts.
Where there is a threat, the need to defend and protect ourselves. 
Where there is insecurities, we are crippled by the need to prove our worth. 
Greed, pride… leads to so many wants. 

All these wants weigh us down. We are always searching, never satisfied. Always hungry and never filled. Always running after things we think we must have and never feeling happy. 

Society defines our lives, our satisfaction and happiness. Ladies must dress up. We must work overtime so that people will not speak ill of us. Grownups cannot play with soft toys, cannot be like a child once in a while because we will look childish and stupid. So many adults have forgotten what it is like to play, to let loose and just GO… without fear of falling down, without an image to uphold. Even some (not all) priests and religious seem to have an image to uphold. To be prim and proper, serious, composed. Cannot let others know about their weaknesses. True that people will stare and talk when they see a religious hopping around, dancing about, smiling from ear to ear. But that's their own pride, insecurities and prejudices to handle. 

How does one rejoice and truly be joyful then? Without being able to raise one's hands, to sing at the top of one's voice, to move one's feet in dancing without feeling the need to be inhibited… how does one truly express the joy of the Lord when inhibited? When concerned about how others will see us? 

We are crippled when we cannot be who we truly are, when we cannot live like a redeemed son and daughter of God… freely, without putting on another image or a mask. When we cannot love fully because of the fear of being hurt… when our actions do not match our feelings. When we dare not be unique but are governed by conformity… When we shun away from the intensity of our hurts and sufferings… 

source

And here in our handicap is Jesus saying to you, to me, "I order you: get up, and pick up your stretcher and go home." Lk 5:23 Stand up and walk!!

What joy it is when my ankle was well again and I could walk properly, when my finger recovered and I could freely play the piano and type on the computer again. What joy it is when we need not be burdened to meet expectations, earn love, win approval, hold back someone else's faults. What joy it is to believe and live fully in the love of God. 

When I sin, I return to Him and receive forgiveness.
When I am hurt, I stretch out my hands to receive His healing.
When I doubt myself, I return into my Father's arms and remember I am loved and always good enough for Him by His mercy.
When I am happy, I claim that happiness.
When I am sad, I let myself grieve.  
When I cannot, I rely on Him.
In Jesus, I can be who I am, imperfect, seeking perfection. 
In Jesus, I can be freed of all inordinate attachments. 

Truly, He has come to set prisoners free. The lame shall walk, the blind shall see, the deaf shall hear. 
Blessed be the name of the Lord. In Him alone is found true and lasting freedom. The freedom to drop all I do not need even if the world says I need them. The freedom of having no need, no lacking because I have everything in Him who created me, sustains me, and to Whom I will return.

How have you been a cripple too? And how is Jesus asking you to get up and walk? How is He breaking your chains and asking you to go free?

Testimony #1 - A Mother's Embrace

This post is the first of its kind on my blog. 
And it is a part of my commitment to Evangelisation, testifying to God's work in my life, in the hope that more people will come to know Jesus who constantly awaits and seeks them too.

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A little background...

It has been more than a decade since I last went for a healing service (charismatic style). Back then, I was involved in the youth ministry in my parish and went regularly to the Youth Praise Ministry (YPM). In the Youth in the Spirit Seminar and Life in the Spirit Seminar, I encountered God's love and healing but in those days of being so green in the healing process and barely knowing anything much at all about spirituality, I did not know very much about surrendering, letting God take control, resting in the Spirit, etc.

I became more familiar with faith, surrendering and openness over the last 3 years plus and it really proved helpful as I participated in the most recent Conversion Experience Retreat (CER). It was only at this retreat that I experienced resting in the Spirit. What is important is not the resting in the Spirit per say but the grace to think less, control less and to allow myself to be at God's disposal. In so doing, I am more able to acknowledge that I am not God and to allow God to be God. 

Last night's healing...

Last night, I was at the 4th Saturday Mass and healing service at the Catholic Spirituality Centre. A lady prayed over me and this time, I asked God to remove every obstacle in me that prevented me from loving my mother whole-heartedly. My desire for this was strong.

After some time of lying there on the floor, my attention was shifted to an incident that I have no memory of but I knew it happened because my mother mentioned it a few times before. I was very young and she was carrying me down the stairs when she either missed a step or slipped. She was so worried that I would fall from her arms and get badly injured. So she held me really tight as we fell. I do not know how bad was the fall, if she was injured as a result or what happened in the end other than the fact that I was not hurt. 

This incident came to my mind in an instance and although I have no memory of it, I felt my mother's tight embrace as I was on the floor last night. I began to tear as I felt the Spirit wrapping my mother's love around me so intensely. I felt that she loves me with her life. 

All my life, I know my mother loves me. I'm convinced of her love. She has dedicated her life to the family, always putting us before her own needs. Because of the many things she has done to show her love, I know she loves me. But this knowing has, most of the time, been a knowledge in my head. Somehow, this knowing has not travelled to my heart. I do not know what is the missing link. Could she be so caught up with the doing that she paid little attention to her being and so I could not experience her love? Could it be that she showed her love differently from how I would have liked her to? Could it be that I have shut my heart and so I could not experience her love? Maybe I took her love for granted. Maybe it has been a combination of all these.  

Whatever the case, I have finally felt the embrace of her love. This, I knew at that moment, was the key that opened my heart to love and accept her again for who she is and who she is not. After the service, I went up to my mom and hugged her. As usual, she gives me a brief hug but this time, I held her longer whether or not she was returning the same big beary hug. 

I'm sure there is more healing I need but I will be patient and take it one step at a time, with Jesus by my side... 

To God be all glory and praise.

God in Our Hearts

LUKE 1: 5-25
The birth of John the Baptist Foretold

This account tells about angel Gabriel appearing to make known to Zachariah that his old and barren wife, Elizabeth, will conceive and bear a child whom they must name John. He will become John the Baptist, who is to bring many to repentance. We are told later that John was to prepare the way for the people to receive Jesus who is the Good News through repentance. 

What humiliation Elizabeth underwent because she was barren. When she was finally with child, she said, "The Lord has done this for me now that it has pleased him to take away the humiliation I suffered among men."

In those times, people saw misfortunes as God's punishments for wrongdoings. If you were blind, it was because you were sinful and God was punishing you for your sins or those of your ancestors. Perhaps, it was their way of making sense of sufferings and the inequality among themselves. But perhaps too, it was because of the fact that they lived their lives following strictly to a very long list of rules of do's and don'ts. The way of holiness and the ticket to eternal life were found in the perfect abiding of these rules. 

Recall your days as a student. What were the school rules like for you? For me, there were rules I could understand and accept and there were those I could not. While I saw the logic of punctuality, I did not agree that wearing earrings was wrong. What harm did it cause? What I did not believe in, I went against on some occasions. To some who abided, they might have understood the school's efforts to instil the value of simplicity, which took me many more years to realise. To some, rules are simply meant to be kept. No questions asked. They abide because that is the way they have been conditioned to do. They may not see the reason to but they just do. And yet to others, they might have abided only to stay out of trouble. Of those who keep the rules, how many of them truly understand the deeper and most often hidden purposes of the rules?

When our way of life is governed by a set of rules, when our religious practices become a mere doing of what we should and refraining from what we should not, then life and God become confined within the mind, where we constantly, scrupulously measure, evaluate, rank, judge, justify and rationalise all our thoughts, words and deeds. This becomes our preoccupation rather than appreciating the deeper meaning of what we do and do not do. Everything is logically linked.

It is no wonder that the people could not accept the radical change that Jesus came to bring - to turn around a religion that existed in the mind to one that resides in the heart and soul. This was completely unfamiliar and difficult to relate to. For the Father to send His Son to show us His illogical infinite love on the cross, for the Son to forgive sins and heal people, taking away their "punishments". These defied all rules they had and challenged at its core their belief in an eternal life that needed to be earned by their good deeds. It injured their pride that the sinful ones who did not work as hard to keep the laws were being forgiven so easily and made equal with them again. It was unthinkable that they could never stand worthy before God who gives us a salvation we have not deserved.

When we do good, when we hold ourselves back from doing wrong, let it be because we love God, we respect and uphold the dignity of one another. Jesus has to be alive in our hearts. When we attend Sunday Mass as an obligation without making any effort to mean the prayers we utter, when we go for the sacrament of reconciliation without sincerely being sorry and determined to work at our weaknesses, when we serve in ministries because our parish priests urged us to or because we want to glorify ourselves, God is not alive in our hearts. And without this living and personal relationship with God, we can have no lasting fuel to sustain our good deeds. We will fall into pride and self-righteousness, which will then become the underlying driving forces of those external good deeds. 

Our pride will give us excessive guilt in our wrongdoings and excessive self-gratification in our successes. All because we start to buy to the idea that we have done right to deserve our good. God becomes a fictional character in the head and our religious practices become our brownie points that get us to heaven. We will not need God's mercy in that case. And God's mercy is the primary evidence of His love for us. So if we do not need His mercy and do not receive His mercy, we will not receive His love either. We will always remain in our brokenness because only God's love can heal our wounds and restore us to wholeness.  

This, I believe, is why Jesus warned the people, "I tell you solemnly, tax collectors and prostitutes are making their way into the kingdom of God before you." Mt 21:31

Only those who seek cure can be cured. The tax collectors and prostitutes were public sinners. Their sins were known publicly. And perhaps because of this, there was no way for them to conceal their sins and were forced to acknowledge it. Since only those who realise, admit and surrender to their brokenness, inadequacies and sinfulness can be humble enough to go to the Doctor of Life, then only these will encounter the Living God fully present and alive and working in their hearts and lives. 

Praise for the Rain

O God,

I praise You for the rain

That speaks of Your faithful love to me.

For it falls on good and bad alike,

Even on those who’s turned their backs on You.

The rain that waters the soil of the earth

And brings forth goodness to nourish our bodies.

The farmers rejoice in its abundance,

They dance with joy before the harvest.

I join with them to sing Your praise,

To tell of Your goodness through my life.

For each time I walk away from You –

And God, You know how easily I do –

Your faithful love never cease to fall on me,

To call me back into Your arms.

Your faithful love looks out into the distance.

It runs to meet me, to bring me home.

O Lord,

At times, Your rain brings a flood,

And peoples’ lives are lost in it.

Buildings destroyed and towns are ruined.

People would ask, “Lord, where are You?!”

And yet Your faithful love remains,

A constant call for me to trust

 Beyond my understanding and agreement

That Your faithful love does have a plan.

That You will allow these sufferings of mine

Only because You can turn them into good.

If I but trust in You, my God,

To go beyond my fears and doubts,

To let Your love embrace me full.

O God, I thank You for the rain.

Oh let my life be soaked with it.

~ 05 October 2013

The Song of the Flightless Chicken

A young chicken laments to God...

God, I will spend my every day and every night complaining to You. And at times, I might even be so mad at You that I'll scold You. 

You have made me the least of all birds, with wings that cannot take me as high as the soaring Eagles, with legs too short to run fast like the Emus, with such plain-coloured feathers that look like a complete disgrace beside the Peacocks, a shame before the splendid colours of the Lories.

You have made my eggs fragile while the ostrich's can withstand the weight of a full grown man. My feet cannot take me gracefully across the waters like the swans or even my closer counterparts - the Ducks. You have given me no long beaks to savour the sweetness of nectar nor a hook to tear the meat of a fresh catch. No intelligence and good vocals to mimic sounds and speak like a Parrot or to sing like the Nightingale. 

No sharp vision to hunt in the night like the Owls, no flippers to shoot me through the ocean waters like the Penguins. I am without the elegance of the Flamingo and even the Sparrow's chirp that adds a pleasant music to a prayer space reminds me of my crow that sounds like Your creation-gone-wrong.

You have indeed made me the least of all birds and if that is not enough, my kind has become Man's daily diet. And even this is not enough to satisfy Your cruel desires for You have given Man the freedom to abuse me and rob me of my dignity. They cage me up in such a space they would call inhumane if they were similarly treated. They take away all my eggs and demand of me to grow faster than I can. They want my meat to be thick for the platter and when I cannot deliver to their expectations, they force into me the chemicals that make my body no longer what it should be. When the bird flu breaks out, they kill my family without blinking their eyes, which look upon me as a terror just because I am not on the brink of extinction. Can't their intelligence find me a cure instead?

How can I then stand in Your presence to praise You? How can I join with all of creation to sing Your praise and thanksgiving? Wasn't it You who caused me to be the least since You fashioned me this way? No, I cannot acknowledge Your goodness, I will not bow down before You.

God the Father looked at the young chicken with tenderness and love, picked him up and placed him in His arms. Then, He said to the chicken...

My little one, I have not created you to be any lesser than these others. What you perceive as inferior are not inferior in my eyes but are unique and special. 

Your feet that scratch the earth for food loosens the soil for air and water to enter easily. The plants are thankful to you. Your crow is not my masterpiece-gone-wrong but a deliberate addition to the vast sounds of nature, announcing the hope of a new morn. 

I have made all things good. Yes, you too have been made good because in your nothingness, I have made you humble. If you have nothing to boast about yourself, only then can you boast about Me. And then, I will be your pride. You can walk with your head held up for I breathed life into you only because I saw that you are beautiful and worthy to be a part of my creation.

You are not my failure and I have not failed you either. You have been chosen to nourish Man's bodies with your own, and their failure to respect you does not make you any less special and dignified. It is not your failure but theirs. 

So, little one, be who you are and take your eyes off the other birds that remind you of who you are not. You are not made to be like the others. You are made to be you. Be the best in all you are made to be because to live to your fullest potential is the most beautiful song of praise and thanksgiving to the One who gave you the gift of that potential. You shall sing not with your voice but with your whole life.

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Were there times you felt inferior and that God seemed to lavish His love and abundance upon others more than upon you? What is He saying to you?

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inspirations on a motorbike ride around a village and a 2-seconds glimpse of a kampong chicken trying to fly up onto a higher ground

Stop the Tantrums

Peter, the fisherman, was out at sea for a catch. An experienced fisherman he was. He sailed his fishing boat to the place where he would always enjoy a huge catch. He knew always to go back to that spot where the water was always teeming with life. However, on this night, Peter caught nothing. He was in disbelief and was disappointed. 

The next night, Peter went back to his usual spot, thinking that this night, the fishes would have returned. But it wasn't as he had thought. This continued for 2 weeks before Peter finally gave up and went in search for other good fishing locations. It was only later that he received news of a ship wreck that occurred a short distance from his favourite fishing spot. It carried with it toxic chemicals, which were released into the ocean during the wreck. This sent the marine life away from the contaminated water and it was only when Peter started to venture further from here was he able to bring in larger catches. 

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Sometimes, when we are so used to visiting a certain location, a certain spot to draw life, we tend to always want to go back there because of the security and certainty we have been enjoying from always finding there what we are searching for. It becomes a place of comfort, of familiarity, of abundance. It is easy to become attached to the location, to cling on more and more as time goes by. But when a day comes when this location changes, perhaps because it no longer could give us what we had always enjoyed from it, we always find ourselves going through a period of insisting that it returned to what it was before, a period of refusing to let go.

Yet, sometimes, God does not mean for this location to be a place of permanence for us. Maybe He wants us to move on and go elsewhere. And it is a common question of why God puts us through such difficult experiences. It is never our task and ability to understand the way God works but in His wisdom, perhaps, what He means for us to learn is that nothing in this world is permanent. While we enjoy our possessions and take them to be our gods, we need to be reminded that everything is temporal, all is passing, and that only God is constant now and forever. God teaches us what is our true everlasting treasure, and the order of priorities we need to have if we are serious about seeking the truth and an eternal life.

To let go of false permanence is to free ourselves from the bondage we have with that location, with that possession. So that we are no longer trapped there but are free to move with the Spirit to where the real treasure is found.

It is undoubtedly very difficult to accept that something that was once life-giving may no longer be life-giving. For instance, a job that once filled us with excitement but has now become a dread, a relationship in which we were once happy in but has become broken and hurtful, etc.

What was life-giving before may no longer be life-giving anymore. But what is it that we really want? The location/possession or life? Is my life worth playing for? Is your life worth playing for? (see link for explanation) Sounds like a brainless question since the wisest answer is "yes"... but it is not always easy to choose life over letting go of something precious that we have lost. Yet, we can ask for the graces to love ourselves more so that we can choose life. We can ask for the grace of acceptance to accept that which is no more. Slowly, we can let go and be freed. 

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Prayer:

Loving Jesus, dearest God,

You know best how capable I am in throwing tantrums especially when things turn out the exact opposite of my wishes. You know what is best for me while all I can do is to stubbornly cry out for what I want, even when what I want is nothing more than a ship wreck in the middle of the vast open sea, no more of that beauty it once was. 

You have picked me up and placed me in a boat, urging me to row away from the wreck to seek beauty and life elsewhere. My gratitude to You for this at this moment remains as an obligation in the logical sphere of my mind but I hope in You still that one day, I will be able to thank You from the depths of my heart. But now, dear Jesus, now, all I want to do is to relive the moments before the ship was wrecked and hope that somehow, the broken pieces may gather again, rejoin with one another, and be restored to what it was before. I know that it cannot be possible but I still hope it would be. All I want to do is to pretend that the ship was never wrecked and that I can continue to enjoy sailing in it. Again, it's impossible.

In times like these, when I am crippled by my hurt and pain, stubbornness and inordinate attachments, I have nothing in me that can possibly act according to wisdom's directions. My only hope is in You, my Lord. That while I throw my tantrums and cling on to my attachments, that You will take the rope of the boat You have set me in and pull me away from the wreck. You who walk on water and have everything as You will, pull me away from the wreck. Never mind my tantrums and immaturity because one day, I shall arrive at the greater beauty You have planned out for me, and then  I will stop my tantrums.

But let me not wait for that moment... but trust right now that this greater beauty awaits me. It will surely come because my boat is pulled by You and no other, not even myself. Turn my eyes away from the wreck, accepting it for what it is and for what it can no longer be. Help me to give up hoping for what is not possible. Not possibly because Your love for me is too great to give me what is less than perfect. Help me to accept, to let go, to trust, and to let You bring me to where You will. Help me, dear Jesus, to surrender and be free. 

Amen.

A Stupid Love like Christ's

Elle and Jerald fell for each other and they were happy in each other's company. They communicated everyday and the special moments together became good memories. The relationship was going smoothly and was looking very promising until one day, Elle found out that Jerald was lying to her all these while. He actually had another sweetheart who he was making long term plans with. 

The discovery came as a complete shock to Elle, and perhaps even for Jerald, who did not seem to have any intention of being honest about what was truly real for him. Elle was devastated. So many questions ran through her mind, tears shed, so many different emotions to grapple with. Being deliberately kept in the dark, she had no clue that what she had thought was so real in her life was actually just a dream she was then being forced to wake up from. 

In her devastation, Elle decided that she could move on with her life while still loving Jerald, and that she did not have to force herself to hate him or remain angry with him. It took her a few days but eventually, she forgave Jerald for the hurt he had caused. Till the last minute, she was still hoping that he would forego the other girl for her. She was still praying for him and his well being, missing the times they spent together, while at the same time enduring the pain of the broken dreams she had for the relationship.

For any person who has a logical mind, Elle is plain stupid. I cannot understand her continued hopes for a future with a person who does not take care of her heart. I cannot understand the softness of her heart. After being completely fooled, how was it that she still refused to hate him but instead, consciously chose to forgive and love him still? Even if she does not hate him, would it not be more logical for her to keep him out of her mind and heart, and not even think of him at all? How could she continue to open her heart to him and desire to be in a relationship with him?

But for a person who has chosen love - and love is a choice, not a feeling - the heart is always the dominating and ruling party. While Elle's mind can rationalise and list out all the flaws of Jerald and conclude that he is not worth her love, this is not how the heart functions. The heart is incapable of judging, incapable of rationalising. The heart is only capable of love. And when one chooses to love, one chooses to operate from the heart. But the big risk of doing this is that the heart is made completely vulnerable and subjected to being hurt. 

And yet, is this not a resemblance of God's love? The illogical God I have come to know? I, too, cannot understand God's love for mankind. I cannot understand His love for me and His continued desire to be in relationship with me. Logically, He should be listing out all my sins and judging me and concluding that I, too, am not worthy of His love. And no matter how much He does for me and how long He waits for me, there is never going to be a day of my life when I will be sinless and I am not going to pierce His head with the crown of my sins. Yet, He continues to await me, continues to welcome me home into His embrace each time I wander far from Him. He continues to overlook my unfaithfulness, my infidelity, my lies that I love Him but after which I go playing around with other more "attractive" things in life. If God were to love me with His mind, I would be eternally dead without a chance of redemption. It does not mean that I can treat God as a doormat, step on Him and then beg for His forgiveness. I have to be sincere in trying to do all I can for my relationship with Him too. Similarly, Elle's continued love for Jerald does not mean she subjects herself to being his doormat because Jesus also taught us to love our neighbours as ourselves. We are to love ourselves too. If being with Jerald is not life-giving to her, then she needs to choose to live a separate life from him. This does not mean she has to stop loving him. But this love has to take on a different face. No longer a love that demands to be together but a love that sincerely wishes good for him, a love that is willing to let go, a love that is willing to keep him in continued prayers. A love that accepts that there is nothing more it can do for the other and that prayer is the best and the last possible expression of itself. 

Looking at Elle, perhaps my only remaining sentiment is that of surrendering. I cannot understand her love for Jerald and perhaps, love is not something we can understand. Perhaps, love is not something that needs our understanding. Looking at another suffering for love, I need to put aside my logical and practical ways. No doubt, Elle will receive the healing she needs because with such an open heart, God can pour into it His healing graces far more easily than if it were a heart closed and hardened with anger and hatred. Elle will become a more compassionate person because she will understand the pain of others in similar experiences. But in the meantime, as she goes through the grieving process of this loss (the logical mind will call it a good loss), it is not for anyone to judge her either for "stupidly" choosing to love because in this loving, she is truly becoming more and more into the image and likeness of Christ. 

The Narrow Door

Yesterday's noon Mass was presided by Jesuit Father Mark Raper. One of the things he said that caught my attention was that the narrow door that Jesus speaks about in the Gospel is none other than Jesus Himself. Jesus is the door. The shape of the door is the shape of Jesus. To enter through the narrow door, we need to see this door and conform our lives to the shape of this door.

People often remark that when married couples spend many years living together, they begin to look like each other more and more... after 20, 40, even 60 years. I believe they mean more than a physical resemblance of their looks. Mannerisms, characters... will grow to be more similar, if they allow the other to shape their lives. Looking, somehow, leads one to mimic. Subconsciously. 

Everyday, if we look at Jesus, in the Gospels, in the faces of the poor and suffering, in the faces of the happy and simple, the humble and meek, if we look at Him on the crucifix... If we look at Jesus everyday, throughout each day, if we allow Him to shape our lives, if we allow ourselves to be conformed to Him, to change to be like Him, there is no doubt - absolutely none - that we will grow to become more and more like Him. In compassion, in love, in forgiveness, humility, generosity... We will grow and find life in Christ. And this is truly what it means to live, to choose life and not death. To live in goodness. To live a wholesome and fulfilling life. 

The challenge and the question is thus... To keep our eyes fixed upon Jesus means to give up looking at other more attractive, more pleasurable, more exciting things (or people). It is to say 'no' to distractions and be single-minded about the real focus of our lives. It is a decision we have to make and a decision we have to renew each day, each moment. Are we willing to draw back all our attention from all our distractions and channel them unto God? To shape our lives not to any other doors or objects or people but precisely to the shape of Jesus? 

Today, I hope you join me in praying and asking God for this grace - to be focused and single-minded about God. And in all our temptations, may we always turn to Mary and say, "Mary, help us. Let us never lose our God. Amen."

The Magis City Tour - Safe to Be?

In the Magis experience in Salvador, a city tour made on foot was one of the items on the itinerary. Without much knowledge about the city or the nature of the city tour, we set out. We formed a long chain of pilgrims, cheering, singing and talking along the way. It was a tremendously long walk, in which I felt most prominently a very strong sense of security. 

In Singapore, where people say it is a very safe country in relation to other countries and cities, I do not have to think much about safety when I am out. Safety becomes very easily taken for granted. 

But during the city tour, there were military police lined up along the roads and who escorted us all the way. My awareness of safety was heightened and I really felt safe. I felt an appreciation of the city's efforts to step up their security so that I, along with other pilgrims, could walk with ease. 

Where was God in the walk? 

I was reminded of the day's Mass reading which affirms us that every strand of hair on our heads are counted. Nothing can happen to us without our Father's knowledge and approval. In the first reading, Joseph admitted that although his brothers meant to harm him deliberately, God meant good for him when He allowed the harm to happen to Joseph. 

Even when we are suffering, harmed or under threat, we are still in the safety of our Father's embrace. Ill for us is God's instrument to somehow facilitate good in our lives. In the reality of life's obstacles, it is hard to believe this. Not unless we know in our hearts this Father we have. Who is He? What is His personality? 

If having military police along my journey could make me feel so safe and protected, that even if someone were to try to harm me, these policemen will rush to defend and rescue me, then how much more secure than human policemen is my Father's embrace...!! There, where I will always be safe and protected in His mighty arms, I can rest secured that even in the downs of life, there is beauty and good. And even without understanding, I can be without fear and anxiety, doubt and despair. I can be free. No longer will I be afraid of rejection and abandonment, unfair treatments and hurts. Because I am at home; home in my Father's arms. 

Where are you living from?
Within or outside of our Father's embrace?