10th Anniversary of Conversion

Today marks the 10th anniversary of my conversion experience in Rome. It's been 10 years. Back then, when I embarked on this spiritual journey, I never saw how the journey would unfold, neither did I know what 10 years from then would be like, feel like, or look like. I was a very different person and could never have dreamt that life as it is now for me or the person I am now was ever possible. 

I began this day with spiritual direction via Zoom. It was so timely, so apt. And I shared this prayer experiences I had few days back with my spiritual director: 

Reading Healing Our Beginning made me aware of the need and possibility of healing wounds even as far back as conception. As I read the 1st two chapters of the book, I was noticing my inner stirrings. I began to understand the possible root causes of some of the struggles I have been helplessly facing that prevented me from a better discipleship that I desire very much. Awareness alone of my tendencies and emotions could not translate to choosing better actions because the emotions were too intense and beyond me. And I asked the Lord for help to overcome these. I felt as I read, God's invitation to bring my new realizations and insights to Him in prayer. And so I began.

It came to a point in the first prayer period when Mary (Jesus's mother) invited me into her own womb. Gradually, I took up her invitation as the Spirit led. (This is the contemplative prayer method) In her womb, I could see the house I came to know from my 30 day retreat. Mary and Joseph were working in different parts of the house but there was a deep love and connection between them. I felt safe. 

Then Mary invited Joseph into the house for lunch, when she revealed to him that she's expecting (me). He was overjoyed. Overjoyed. I could hear their laughters, their joy. Joseph was praising God and then, he turned to Mary and said so intently and consciously, "God has given us a gift." At these words, tears began to fall. It is one thing to know by faith that I'm a gift; it is quite another when God speaks it to my heart directly. I am God's gift. I have never experienced this reality so profoundly as I did in this prayer experience. 

Later, Joseph, after much more laughing out his joy and excitement, asked Mary, "Is it a girl or a boy?" And without waiting for a reply, he came close to me in Mary and spoke directly to me, "Whether you are a girl or a boy, you are equally precious." More tears fell. 

They were excited to meet me, to see me. Their joy was immeasurable. And I felt it anew that someone is actually so excited to see me. I felt so welcomed, so loved, cherished, special; a gift. Joseph then assured Mary that he will take very good care of her. And with him doing that to the lady carrying me, I, in her womb, felt cared for and absolutely secure. For the first time in my life, I was that excited about my life. 

I can say with confidence this whole experience was Spirit-led because only God knows what exactly I needed to hear and experience for the kind of wounds I had. And He gives it as He knows I need. 

In the second prayer experience the next day, I thought of doing a repetition of the experience but went along with the strong prompting to go back instead to the actual scene of my conception. 

This time, I saw the process of human fertilization. But it stalled at that moment just before fertilization took place. And this time, God was there. After some time, He waved His hand gently. It wasn't just a physical gesture. In that wave, I understood that He opened the egg. In that wave, I felt so unmistakably His deep, deep love for me, such a love that He desires at His core to bring me into being. At that moment, I understood that every new life is far more than the consequence of human actions. I understood that every new life happens as a rapture of God's infinite love for that being. 

Then God brought His hands to His heart. From there, He brought forth a baby soul. A fully formed being, a soul. He looked so intently, gently, tenderly at the soul. He was completely mesmerized. For the first time in my life, I felt God like a mother, feminine. Oh He was so tender and loving. I was taken aback looking at how He was gazing upon that soul (me). After some time, He looked at me and asked, "Isn't she beautiful? I love her so much because she comes straight from my heart." Straight from God's heart. He placed my soul into the fertilized egg. And I looked anew at my first cell. I loved it, picked it up gently in my hands and said, "You are so beautiful, Jacinta, Jacinta. I love you."

Straight from the heart of God. My spiritual director helped me this morning to stay with this experience for long before reminding me (I forgot!) that today is the feast of the Most Sacred Heart and how wonderful it is to touch this "coming from God's heart" experience on this feast. I cannot grasp how perfect God's timing is. 

Today, God sent and gifted me my spiritual director to share deeply in my experiences and in my journey, as if he's standing in on behalf of God, to gift me the grace of being accompanied. It is a great celebration for me, a day of consolation. The affirmation and "pat on the back" that God gifts from having fought the good fight, of having enjoyed the great heights of God's mountain-top-consolations, of enduring the deepest, darkest moments, of God's unearthing my insides to re-landscape it as He desires. All is grace. ALL IS GRACE. All is God's love. 

There is a joy within me. An excitement that looks forward to what God has in store for me in my life ahead. And I share this and my prayer experiences as a way of expressing that inner joy, that glow and gratitude to all God has done in me, for me, through me, with me. I share these to celebrate life - life in God, life only in God. All praise and glory is God's and God's alone!