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I thought He was there.
I walked ahead towards Him but the distance never shortened as much;
the reflection and I like two magnets repelling each other,
keeping always the same unbridgeable distance.
Yet, I kept running ahead, wanting more and more to reach Him in that distance.
I grew tired, I grew disheartened.
I hung my head low.
And then I lifted my head up again
and I jumped at the sight of Him who was right before me.
I shifted my gaze back into the distance and still I saw His reflection in that same mirror.
My gaze shifted back and forth
till I finally realised that all these while,
He was never in that distance but have always been in front of me.
All I ever saw was that familiar image I was insistent on chasing after in that distance.
He stands before me.
If I reached out my hands, I would touch Him.
If I called out to Him, He would hear me.
If I took just a step forward, I would bridge the entire distance between.
After chasing my mental image of Him in that distance,
after seeing now how close He actually is,
and after knowing now how to catch up with Him,
my hands are but half-raised,
my lips utters everything except the words that truly matter to Him,
my legs quiver in an apprehension to take that step.
The greatest irony...
Of chasing with my greatest might after an unreal image,
and of freezing on the spot when it is time to hold on to His hands for real.
How have we placed obstacle after obstacle between God and us?
Why is the spirit so willing but the flesh unwilling?
What really are we afraid of?
15 October 2011, Saturday
1.03pm
I fear that He will deem me unworthy to be in His kingdom and He will not want me.
ReplyDeleteI think that no one is worthy for the Kingdom and the Kingdom is also not meant for the worthy. If it were so, it would be empty.
ReplyDeleteBut you see... Isn't it because of our unworthiness that God came to justify us by the sacrifice of Himself? He pleads for us to the Father; how much He wants us to be with Him for eternity! How is it possible that He wouldn't want you?
The Kingdom is for the faithful, not the successful. It is for those who place their trust in the Lord even when His love and mercy are too illogical for our easy acceptance.
His hands are stretched out towards us; we need to stretch out ours to hold His and to hold them tight =)...
At times, I feel I need to put down my pride and be super thick-skinned to do this. At times, I feel unwilling to let go of my fears to enter deeper into this r/s with Him. "I am my biggest obstacle and stumbling block" is what this entry speaks about.