God in the Haze

The haze situation in Singapore has worsened in the last few days. If you, like me, aren't one of those privileged ones who can escape to Australia or elsewhere from the haze, by now, you might have devised some coping mechanisms to keep healthy in this hazardous condition. What have you done thus far?

Perhaps, you wear a mask when you go out but even so, no mask can possibly keep out all the pollution. People used to go to the malls to escape from the sweltering heat but even when I enter the malls this time, the shops appear blurry too. I guess we cannot prevent the air outside from entering since air flows to everywhere. If you are at home, you might have kept your windows and doors shut. But the minute you notice the gaps under your doors, you will realise that you are not totally safe indoors either.

In primary school Science, the kids are taught that gas is a form of matter that does not have a definite shape, thus taking up the shape of its container. It flows to wherever there is space. It is everywhere. And it came to a point where I asked myself... Where can I run to in Singapore, what must I do to keep the haze away so my health will not decline into another episode of respiratory tract infection? 

This question left me very much helpless because I cannot live without air but the air all around me is polluted. There is no where I can be free of the haze. 

In a way, God is like the air. As I felt helplessly surrounded by the haze, I was reminded of God's presence that surrounds me at all times too. There isn't a place I can go to exit the presence of God. It is easy without the haze to think that our air is without dust and bacteria. Just as easy as it is to lose sight and doubt that God's presence continues to surround me when I cannot feel Him near. But we wore masks and kept our distance too during the H1N1 and SARS periods didn't we? Even when the air was clear... because we knew... we just knew that the virus is in the air even when we didn't see it floating around. But when the hype is over, we let our guards down and forget that viruses continue to surround us. 

Do you at times feel down when you cannot sense God's presence? 
Maybe in those times, you could somehow trust that He is with you anyway. But for me, I need microscopic lenses to magnify the dust particles so that I can see them even when the air is clear. I need the microscopic lens of faith that needs no seeing or hearing or touching or sensing or tasting to know, to believe and to go steadily on in the haze, in the clear air, in every possible condition.

What about you?
Do you have faith?

Encounters with a Caterpillar - Part 2 - The Perfect Prayer

I have come to call this the "praying position"...
Externally, its 6 tiny hands do look as if they are brought together like praying hands.
But there's far more than what meets the eye...! 
If prayer is being in relationship with God, then isn't it in this stage of the butterfly's life cycle that it's praying best...? 
When it no longer takes the initiative to find food for its survival... but is completely reliant, vulnerable, defenceless, helpless, and focused on just being... just BEing.
This being of what it is made to be, in the way that it is called to be, at the time that it is meant to be, in total surrender to nature, which is God's scheme of things... without resistance or complain, without analysing or calculation, a total giving of oneself to what needs to be. To embrace death so that it may rise in its new resurrected form to greet the world anew...
A phase where it no longer consumes but allows all it has consumed to fuel its transformation... where it no longer enjoys the consolation of feeding but now draws back its consolations for strength in the continued journey... 

I sit once again to watch in amazement and anticipate the moment of transformation. 
I sit in admiration of how a creature so small and insignificant can pray a prayer so perfect. 
And as I sit and wait, let me thank God for the awareness of all these in this tiny little feller that I myself lack... Let me humbly plead that I too may somehow someday arrive at the perfect living of my creaturehood. 

Encounters with a Caterpillar - Part 1 - With the Haze

Today, the haze is thick and visibility is very poor. The smell of the polluted air is suffocating and it doesn't take a whizz to figure out that breathing in this kind of air is detrimental to our health. We may take precautions by wearing a mask when we go out, dropping eye drops to wash out the dust that inevitably gets trapped in our eyes, making them feel sore and uncomfortable. We will know better not to go outdoors for a game of sports or a jog (though last I checked, there were people playing tennis downstairs). We will know to keep ourselves and our children indoors, pray for a strong wind or a heavy downpour to carry the dust away from us. For we know that this air is bad for us.

But not always do we find conditions being as obviously detrimental to us as the haze. Some weeks back, I began this little mission of rescuing the caterpillars on my dad's lime plant. I keep them, feed them, shelter them until they reach adulthood and fly away. Not all managed to reach that stage though. Some of it being my fault.

Once, I fed the two caterpillars I had with the leaves from the plant. It was the usual thing to do, the same plant, the same type of leaves. And they ate the leaves. But those leaves, with their normal and harmless appearance, instead of nourishing the wormies became the poison that killed them. I was taken aback, puzzled over the mysterious deaths.

It wasn't until much searching through the list of possibilities that I recalled my dad making known his intention to spray chemical onto the plant to kill the caterpillars. And I had totally forgotten about it. What had seemed good and life-giving was actually a murder weapon, once consumed, destroyed life inside out. All because I had not examined carefully what I was putting into the caterpillars' mouths, and had not registered the warning given by my dad.

Often, the many things around us take on a harmless appearance too. An innocent and curious first puff leads to an addiction to tabacco. An advancement in career that appears as a good opportunity for personal growth ends up possessing our time, our lives and breaks down our family relationships. A good-paying job that promises us a better quality of life and a better future for our children somehow becomes the very thing that shifts our priorities to make what is less important more important than what is truly life-giving and important. A seemingly right white lie told to protect someone's heart is the very thing that breaks trust and disrespects the other's right to the truth no matter how justified it is. 

The contrary seems valid too. 
A nourishing Eucharist, the true presence of Christ is not valued and treasured, and we don't think very much of this humongous grace given to us, and thus, we do not claim the love that God intended for us in the Eucharist. 

Discipline of children now becomes something wrong for a child needs to be showered with every possible tender loving care. Discipline has been kicked out of the equation of love. 

Driving within speed limits is taken to be a sign of weakness, the grade of a lousy driver when in actual fact, the one who tailgates and speeds way beyond the limit is the one who fails to realise the preciousness of his life and the lives of others. 

What seems ordinary or bad may well be the very thing that builds lives, moulds character, nourish our souls, rests our minds, and gives us that experience of loving and being loved. 

What do we feed our lives with? With what is life-giving or life-taking?
Do we know what is life-giving and what is life-taking for us? Beyond the disguises?
Perhaps, the call is to pause for some stocktaking, to wash those lime leaves in water to see if it foams up, to pay more attention to the warnings, before deciding to consume or discard.

What in your life is nourishing? What in it is poisonous? 
What are you going to do with those that are poisoning you?
Will you continue to play tennis in the haze anyway?

Pedro Arrupe - Fall in Love, Stay in Love...

"Nothing is more practical than finding God, that is, than falling in love in a quite absolute final way...

source

Prayer - God's Graces

"Loving Jesus, 

Thank you for the desire to pray better, to seek You, to find You, to grow deeper in union with You. 

This desire You've planted in me to cling onto You despite how life's many demands are pulling me 

away from You. 

I don't have the perfect words to say to You nor is my heart in the perfect state to come before You. 

My mind a whirl that cannot rest and I haven't the perfect plan to craft a perfect prayer fitting for You. 

But my Jesus, You know all that is in my heart. Shed Your light of truth upon me and bring to light 

all that lie hidden in every corner of my heart. 

Teach me, reveal to me, guide me, inspire me, strengthen me. Help me in my struggles. 

I surrender my trust to You, stretching out my hands for Yours as Peter did when he was sinking into 

the water.

I place my hopes in You, calling out for Your divine intervention as did Your apostles when 

the storm threatened to overturn their boat.  

Increase my trust and faith in You. Increase my desire for You. Remind me and convince me that with 

You in the boat of my life, no storm or sea can bring me down as long as I let go of the steering wheel 

and let You take control. 

Embrace me in Your arms, dear Jesus. There, like a child, loved and protected, embed me deeper

in union with You. 

Amen."

My Room is Facelift-ed

Do you recall the last time you spring cleaned your room or your house? What was the experience like?  Tiring? Were there moments of confusion because you did not know how best to organise your space? How did you feel when the job was done at last?

I have just finished spring cleaning my room and I am now feeling extremely pleased with its "new" look. But it hadn't always felt this way throughout the 3 days of work. 

If you have spring cleaned before, you might have a different procedure from me. In fact, the way I spring clean has evolved over the years. 

source

Previously, what I did was to empty out everything in my cupboards. Everything was sprawled on the floor, table, bed and on every other available surface. Just imagine the mess! And then, I would clean the cupboard interior, air them dry and then begin fitting stuff in, reorganising the usage of each shelf and space. 

The biggest problem with this method was the sight of the heaps of things all over the place. Where does one begin? The sheer sight of the mess is a big put off. A stress-generator, which somehow manages to also jumble up the wires in my brain...! And I would be so pressurised to rush through and finish the packing in a day so that I don't have to sleep in the mess. Spring cleaning was always a stressful chore.

This time, what was different for me was that I cleared one or two compartments at a time. I decided to take it slow. The stuff sprawled across the surfaces did not appear so insurmountable. There were no avalanches and there were certainly spaces left on the floor to walk on. Occasionally, when I felt I needed a break, I went to my computer to chat or read or play a few rounds of Candy Crush. Interestingly, the process became less painful. It was alright to sleep with the mess around me for I knew I would get back to work on it the next morning. I took about 3 days to complete the cleaning.

I paused to look and re-look, plan and re-plan how I should arrange my things to fit my lifestyle and priorities. I recalled the most annoying clutters I had and realised how stifling they had caused me to feel in this small space of my room. I need space. I want space. 

Minimalist. That's the goal. And so... out went everything (well almost) that were not going to be used. I had to look at each item, consider its usage, consider my present needs, and decide to keep or throw. If it's to be kept, how important is it and how often will I be using it? That will determine which part of my room, which tier on the shelf this item shall be placed. 

I am actually extremely pleased with my room after its "facelift". 

All that clutters must be removed... and so now, space is reclaimed and air can flow more freely. There is a sense of refreshing that brings joy and ease. And what makes it even better is that the process was manageable. 

As I was clearing out the mess, I recalled Fr. Chris sharing about God reclaiming the space of our hearts for Himself... and that needs spring cleaning.

The most difficult thing about spring cleaning is the first initial step of opening up the cupboards, digging out the stuff there and taking a look at the messiness. It is far easier to remain oblivious to the surroundings and get by, even though we know it is high time to do something about it. 

Isn't this why many people, myself included, shun away from silence, from taking stock of what is actually there in the silence of our hearts? We are afraid to see what is there because to see the mess is to have to clear it. And the task of clearing isn't the most enjoyable activity we can engage in. And it takes time. A great deal of time and effort to work at it. Working at it means to forego time I can enjoy myself. Anyway, the mess has always been there. It doesn't kill. I've been living with it. I can continue to live with it. I function well in any case. 

The realisation I had this time was that I wasn't aware of how much I desired for empty spaces. It wasn't that my room was very messy (my mum would have made sure of it!) but to have things off the wall, off the tabletops, off the piano top. I never thought that it would have made so great a difference. But now that there are so few things, I realise how the little bits that form the greater clutter really was inhibiting and was consuming the comfort I felt in my room.

What is real for the physical space of my room is real too for the spiritual space of my heart. Could it be the same for you too?

It increases the conviction with which I shall say, "The state of my table tells the state of my mind," a statement I used to tell my ex-colleagues when I gazed helplessly upon the mess on my table on certain days at work.

Now that I have spring cleaned my room, it is time to look more closely within and spring clean the room in my heart. The room that needs to be constantly spring cleaned because it is here in this room I find and sit with God. If there is no space there, God will soon be squeezed out. If there is an avalanche, God will be hidden beneath the piles. And I will be screaming out for spaces to breathe. 

I do not have to be perfect overnight. A goal for an overnight perfection will only bring tension for it is not possible. To know that my conversion and perfection is a lifetime's work, and that each morning, I awake to continue working on the messiness of me, it is easier to sleep with ease amidst the messiness, and to be more prudent with managing my expectations. To recognise that everyone else is also work-in-progress, no matter what pace they're working at, helps to regulate my expectations of them too and lessen my frustrations towards their work-not-done.

I'd spring clean regularly in bite-sizes so that the mess each time isn't too overwhelming. I'd spring clean so that I can always feel the refreshing Breath of Life.

What in the clutter of your life might God be calling out for your attention? 

I am God's Creation

I am who God created me to be - a child of my Heavenly Father, once an image, a whirl of loving thoughts, etched in the Almighty's mind, in which I am that one in that great number of others whom He saw and chose to henceforth love with an intimate dedication. 

I am so loved with an unfathomable and unexplainable faithfulness which calls me beyond my sinful ways and into the continued discovery of The Creator. 

In the Father, I am His beloved child who rests in the palm of His hands, relying always and only, humbly and simply, on His faithful Providence. 

In the Son, I am His faithful disciple who chooses daily to renounce myself so as to follow Him in every way and be a radiant sign of His love for the world. 

And in the Holy Spirit, I am an instrument, completely surrendered to His workings for the greater glory of God. 

In all situations and at all times, God desires for me to grow into an increasingly deeper union with Him, entrusting my life without reservations into His Hands and making my every thought, word and deed an offering of love to Him, as I submit humbly, obediently and lovingly to His most Holy Will. 

~ 16 August 2011

The Internal Structure of Faith

Every human person is called to be a Catholic. But the important question is… what IS this call? Is it just a name's sake? 

To be Catholic is to be a disciple of Christ. It is to accept and live out our identity as a son/daughter of God our Father. At the core of these is the personal call of the masses (the whole human race in fact); a call to be in relationship with our Creator. Contradicting as it may seem. Because to be in relationship requires us to be connected and we cannot be connected without being personal. Hence, the call to be a Catholic is a personal call. God calls us by our names; individually, directly, intimately.

And what follows a call is a response. What follows an invitation is a reply. 

Being Catholic is a response; it is not a decision based on empty thoughts and visions, a belief founded upon nothing. We cannot reply and respond from the level of our intellect. Faith is not a product of an intellectual discourse involving my thoughts, feelings and ideologies. 

Bl. Mother Teresa said, "Prayer leads to faith, faith leads to love, love leads to service, service leads to peace." Prayer is not bringing our wish list to God and asking Him to grant them. Prayer entails anything that builds our relationship with God. It does include praying for people and situations because our desires are a part of us too and we bring who we are into this relationship with God but we do not take Him as santa claus. 

In prayer, we encounter God in a personal, intimate way and from this encountering, we experience Him as real and we also come to know Him and the infinite love He has for us that really does not make sense at all in the light of our constant unfaithfulness in our sinfulness. It differs from reading and discussing and listening to stories and Theology, all of which helps only to the extent of knowing about Him. I call it couple time… just as in any human relationship. It must be built upon personal encounters and an increasing knowing (not the superficial intellectual kind but in the deeper sense) of the other. Our response to God's call into a loving relationship with Him goes as far as our personal encounters with Him and to the extent to which we treasure, reflect upon and allow our God-encounters to internalise and shape our understanding of God. Rationalising cannot get us anywhere because God is far beyond our human ways. Our mortal intellectual capacities, however extensive it is, cannot bring us across infinity to reach this infinite and divine God.

The reason why I find it difficult to sit through Mass at times and why I get disillusioned from time to time is because I have been relying on external structures as the foundation of my faith, i.e. how interesting the priest's homily is, how charismatic the priest is, how nice the choir sounds, how respectable the pope is, etc. If the church is noisy, I lose focus. If the priest is boring, I start drifting. It is like a student who studies only when the teacher is interesting and nice. Then what happens when the teacher is not? Will it mean that I should fail my exams? Or should I then rely on my inner motivation to find resources, study doubly hard so that my results is not limited by the teacher's competence? 

It is an internal structure that most Catholics are lacking in. We are not taking full responsibility for our faith and are using every possible external factor to justify why I am not a good Catholic. You see if I am unfaithful to my spouse. Sure I can say that it is because my spouse has become so naggy, someone else is younger and more attractive and who understands me better than my spouse, etc. But suppressed beneath the carpet, conveniently out of sight, is the truth that it is still my choice and like it or not, I have failed to live out my marital commitment. If I truly am serious about my marital vows, then nothing and no one can convince me otherwise. The foundation of my faith will be so strong that no earthquake or catastrophe can bring it down.

So I think as Catholics, the question for us is the same question Jesus asked His disciples, "Who do you say I am?" Not who Jesus is to him and her but who is He to me? Not why is he and her a Catholic but why am I a Catholic?   

I do not speak on behalf of the Church. This is just my sharing in reply to a friend's thought-provoking email.

Pine Trees vs Shrubs

Morning Devotion by Jeraldine

同学们，早上好。请问你们知道什么是松树吗？PINE TREES。那，你们知道松树有什么用途吗？造房子，家具等。你们知道什么是荆棘吗？它是一种有刺的植物，没什么用处。它们之间有什么关系，听我说个小故事：

有一棵松树对一片荆棘说：“你们一点用处也没有。而我，盖房子，建教堂，都用得着。”

荆棘回答：“可怜的松树，如果你想想，斧头和锯把你砍到的情景，你就一定情愿和我一样了。”

松树反驳道：“哼！我宁愿被人砍死，尚且有用。不要像你因为没用而被人烧死。”

同学们，你们认为自己是松树还是荆棘呢？那，你想当松树还是荆棘呢？

人生必须有用才有价值。无用的人生等于那人已经死了。耶稣一生只活了三十三岁，但他的影响却是千千万万年的。为什么呢？因为他把生命奉献给天主使用。真正生命的延长，是当我们在世上活着的时候，不浪费时间，把每个小时都用在有意义的事上，把短暂的生命奉献给天主使用。这胜过长命百岁，浪费一生。

同学们，你的生命奉献给了谁？你每天是浪费宝贵的时间做无聊的事还是珍惜学习的每一刻？想一想吧！愿天主祝福你，给你智慧！阿门！

The "Les Misérables" Story of Our Lives

Do you remember your teenage years? The most tumultuous phase of growing up. One marked with many raging emotions. Many of us might recall being our parents' worst nightmare because in this stage of transition, we are fighting to form our identities, separate from our parents. To be individuals who no longer need to succumb to the control of an authoritative figure. A fight for freedom. 

In those days, what was your understanding of freedom? Has it changed ever since? 

What IS freedom? 

Perhaps when we were younger, we would have thought of freedom as the given leeway to do as we please, contrasting to having to follow someone's instructions and commands, and face the consequences if we do not. And in some cases, we do not quite grow out of this understanding of freedom. 

When I recalled my moments of wanting freedom as a teenager, and examined my true intentions, I noticed that actually, this cry for freedom stemmed from the desire to want to live life in my own stubborn ways. Right or wrong, that no one comes to fuss or nag at me. I choose. I am in control. 

At times, people comment that marriage is a loss of freedom, that having children is a loss of freedom. People choose not to get married because they do not wish to be tied down, to accommodate other people in their lives, people of whom they have no control over. To some (not all) of these people, remaining freed of the restrictions of marital vows might be that leeway that allows for multiple partners, a change in partner when the previous no longer appeals. An unwillingness to commit and to give of oneself totally, once and for all. 

In the story of Les Misérables, we find many characters trapped in their own ways, robbed of their freedom. The prisoners were trapped in living hell, awaiting their day of parole and the expiration of their term. Jean Valjean was trapped in his hatred and scorn towards his oppressor, inspector Javert, who himself was trapped within his prejudices and mercilessness towards the prisoners. The Thénardiers were caged in by their greed and their assumed superiority over Cosette, who as a young child was abused and left to her own defences. Freedom to these characters would mean a life that is freed from their oppressors in whatever forms they may be disguised in.

Sin enslaves us in the clutches of evil. Freedom is not to be without restrictions so that we can do as we please in an irresponsible and unethical manner. Freedom is not an inward gaze into myself, which forgets the other. 

Can a prisoner feel free? Is our inner freedom dependent on our circumstances, our life situations?

Freedom is the ability to choose good when bad seems safer, more convenient and more promising. Freedom is to be able to live without the restrictions of fear and anxiety. That when others threaten, we are able to stand our grounds and not be shaken. That when confronted, we are able to remain cool and not be provoked. That when mistreated, we are able to forgive and let go, and not be consumed by anger. Jean Valjean's life was turned around only when he opened his heart and allowed the healing grace of God to make whole the wounds of hatred and scorn; a conversion experience that freed him so much that he was willing to lay down his life for another.

Freedom is that when we do something, we do it because we are sincere and willing, and not because of a role to be fulfilled, an expectation to be met, a consequence to be avoided, a higher power and authority we are afraid to offend. That when misjudged, we are able to walk away with a clean conscience and not fight our way through to present our case. That when astray, we are able to humbly acknowledge our faults and return. That when alone, we are able to feel comfortable and not be suspicious of how others may be thinking of us. 

Freedom is the confidence we have in ourselves of who we are, and yet at the same time, being unafraid of admitting to our strengths and imperfections, and being patient with ourselves as we work on these imperfections. That our emotions are not dependent on other people and external factors and our actions are not reactions towards others. That our hope and love are not affected by our unpredictable humanity and life circumstances. Freedom is to be detached from worldly, inordinate desires so as to be attached to God, in whom we are free to love and give of ourselves without a need to withhold, to live in the abundance He has given us and not to hog on to our possessions as if to lose them is to lose our lives. Freedom is to live securely as children of our heavenly Father every moment of every day in His unfailing and loving embrace.

The question now is... How free are you, really?

Who/What are you most affected by? How have these people/experiences caused you to feel?

How may God be urging you to let Him open the gates of your prison cells?

Devotion for School Assembly - Love

Consider a mother who, after being abandoned by her husband, takes up 3 jobs and works 16h a day to bring up her 3 young children.

Consider a husband who has a wife, bed-ridden because of a road accident. He has to give up his full time job and a high salary to take up a part time job with a lower pay so that he can be at home to take care of his wife.

Consider a stranger who, in an airplane crash on the runway, stays behind in the burning aircraft to help move people out of the craft instead of running away to safety. And ends up with severe burns herself.

Consider a man who knows that his wife is having an extra-marital affair and is cheating on him, but who continues to wait for her to return to him instead of cutting her out immediately in a divorce.

What is common in all these four real life stories? It is this element of suffering. The people in these stories are suffering in some way. In short, they have given up themselves and dedicated their attention and life to the well being of others. And we can find many such scenarios around us.

But… Today’s topic of devotion is not about suffering but about love. But perhaps, this is precisely why I bring up the idea of suffering in this devotion. Because love entails suffering. I cannot understand love without the inclusion of suffering. But it is also this suffering element of love that the world today considers so silly, illogical and impractical. The world says that love is pleasurable. Love comes with a condition – that my own self interests are well guarded and preserved. Well, if these definitions of love the world teaches us are right, then what can explain a population that is becoming more broken, more hurt? Angrier, more frustrated? An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. What kind of values are we learning and being taught today?

Increasingly, people are losing their sense and understanding of what love really is. God and religion is a waste of time to more and more people because, especially in the Catholic faith, the values that God teaches us are just not applicable in the “real” world. But what is a real world and what is a fake world? Perhaps, we have turned these 2 worlds inside out. We make a fake world into the real world, thinking that we can get away with the evil we do, bluffing ourselves by not keeping in mind the judgement we will face before God at the end of our lives. And I’d like to think that God will not be looking at our certificates and pay slips, our job titles or the size of our house, brand of our cars. He will be looking at what lies in our hearts. Have we loved? If we have truly loved, then like the four people in my beginning stories, we would have felt the pain of suffering, of giving up of ourselves for the genuine well being of others in whatever ways that takes up.

Our God isn’t a God who just talks about an ideal love. He lived it out Himself and by His example, we are shown that such a love is not just right but is also possible.

In the 1^st letter of St. Paul to the Corinthians, it is written:

Love is always patient and kind; love is never jealous; love is not boastful or conceited, it is never rude and never seeks its own advantage, it does not take offence or store up grievances. Love does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but finds its joy in the truth. It is always ready to make allowances, to trust, to hope and to endure whatever comes. Love never comes to an end.

How do you define love?

Medicine & Bandages, Plasters & Stitches

Once upon a time, teaching was a vocation; a special call to nurture, to impart, to build. Some might argue that it still is. And truly, it still is. In the real sense of what being a teacher ought to be, it is. When people choose this path as a response to an inner desire to form and mould. Not because of a lack of a better alternative income-source, bringing not with them a list of personal agendas to fulfil. I am blessed to know a good number who are truly concerned about their students. They hold true to the responsibility of their call.

Once upon a time, being a doctor was a vocation; a special call to heal, to nurse, to save. And again, it still is. Only when a doctor's heart has his patients at its core. Far more than monetary gains or recognition. When his heart seeks out the ways he may use his God-given talents to be God's healing touch to the sick and suffering. And I am extremely blessed to have a couple of genuine doctors caring for me. 

Once upon a time, a child would aspire to be a lawyer because he wants to be a voice for the voiceless, upholding justice and standing for righteousness. Not because he wants to make a statement about himself in his entrance into law school or the number of cases fought and won. Not because he wants to use this as a platform for self-glorification but to disarm the powerful and raise the lowly and oppressed. I have not met lawyers in their jobs but I know there must be many good ones out there. 

As we watch our world shift, values and motives seem to be turned inside out. 
Selflessness gives way to self-centredness.
Truth gives way to lies.
Sincerity gives way to hypocrisy.
Right is made wrong, and wrong is proclaimed as right. 
Love is termed stupidity, and self-preservation practical.
"No man is an island" gives way to individualism. 

Are we happier? More at peace? 
Are we building or are we destroying? 
Do we feel strengthened or do we feel eaten into? 
Do we feel nourished or do we feel taken advantage of?
Do we feel whole or broken? 

Do you, like me after a day's work, feel so full of angst and highly strung?  

I sat there before Mass began today, feeling the gratitude of being able to return after each day. To have someone I can return to. And not just anyone but a someone who will always welcome me with open arms regardless how his day went and how I have been that day. I have never quite saw him from this angle before. But for the fact that the day has been far more imperfect than I would have liked it to be, I felt anew that I have come, precisely, to seek his embrace not because I am victorious and virtuous but because I am in pieces, battered and bleeding, sinful and fallen. I have come because I am so desperate for healing. What he said is so true, that he has not come for the healthy but the sick. It isn't holy people who need God but those who are lacking and have desires to be filled.

And as I recounted the day, I deliberately focused on the moments I felt loved. I found many such moments. Much to my surprise. And so, as I was running after the healing embrace of God, little did I realise that throughout the day, I was already in that embrace. He had me surrounded by His love but I was too distracted to notice. Too caught up in my own emotions and busyness. 

What will I do without Him?
What will I be without Him who neutralises my emotions and returns to me my balance everyday?
How will I face the many people who seem to require much more love and patience than I have the capacity to give?

How about you?
How do you cope?
Who do you return to everyday?

‘Lord, to whom can we go? You have the words of eternal life. We have come to believe and know that you are the Holy One of God.’ (Jn 6:68-69)

Conversations on the Runway

What would you say upon hearing the news of a first class honours graduate being made paralysed after getting knocked down by a lorry?

What would you be feeling if you knew of someone, newly wed, whose spouse has just been diagnosed with fourth-stage cancer? 

If you are like me, you might find yourself sighing. Sighing because it is such a waste. The new graduate has a whole life ahead full of opportunities and possibilities. The couple has just begun their lifetime together, only to have their hopes and dreams shattered at such an early stage. 

On board the airplane, stuck on the runway in the long queue of planes taking off, my mind could not help but wander, wondering if the plane ride would be safe. What if there was going to be a mishap? What if this ride would mark the end of my earthly journey? 

It is tempting and natural to question what God's plan is for this graduate, this couple. Why does He place them on a new beginning, complete with hope, just to snuff out this same hope, leading them to a dead end? 

If my life were to end in that plane ride, will I not also be questioning what really is this God doing to me? It is as if He breathed life into me without a purpose, and takes me out before I can contribute or accomplish anything substantial at all. What then is my training for, my education, my struggles and growth, my learning and maturing? What then are my gifts for? What then is my life for? If it were meant for such a smallness? Then, as I recall how it is said that God delights in His people, I must also arrive at the conclusion that this God must be out of His mind to delight in a life so minute. 

But perhaps not. Perhaps there exists a far more profound way of finding God in our lives than what meets the eye. 

And I found myself arriving at the point of no regrets. That if I were to know my end would be so near, and my accomplishments so negligible, I would still have chosen the path I have chosen for the past 3 years of my life. Of walking ever more closely with Jesus. Of struggling against my many weaknesses and sinfulness to clear out the clutter in my heart so as to enter into a deeper union with Him. Of hanging on each time the cross became so burdensome and illogical. Of returning each time I roamed off on my own. Of standing up after each painful fall. Of giving what I consider this bit my all.

Because despite my perfect imperfections, to enter into this relationship, to grow deeper and deeper in this loving and most beautiful relationship, is to enter into life itself, is to become more and more alive, is to infiltrate the mystery of God's divinity to encounter a love that is beyond all human experience.

It is as if suddenly, nothing else matters any more. My end and even my vocation do not matter, be it how or when or where. Suddenly, what my future holds for me lost its power to alter the preciousness of my life journey. For what stands in the spotlight of my life must be my relationship with the God who walks on with me and in each moment of my present, it is how I encounter and respond to His many disguises that gives depth to the purpose of my existence. 

It does not matter, though we still feel sad, that a religious who has just returned from his studies is suddenly struck with a terminal illness. Because the focus is no longer on the quantity of his putting to use all he has received in his formation but on the quality of his daily witnessing to the world of a God so easily forgotten. Because whatever the vocation, the state of life, the stage of life... all are for one single purpose - to come to know God more intimately, love Him more ardently and to walk more closely in all His ways. And if this is lived for everyday, then we will be contented and at peace. 

Are you contented and at peace? 

Courage in the Night

When you last looked up at the night sky hanging above you, did you notice the stars or was it a cloudy night? Or perhaps, you do not remember because you did not focus on what is up there?

The night and its darkness hold different meanings to different species in the animal kingdom, and evoke different emotions in different people. 

But far more than the exterior, we sometimes find ourselves engulfed in a darkness that exists within our hearts and lives. A darkness that does not quite come and go as predictably as the regular giving way of the night to the day (even across seasons!). A night as cold and long as the Antarctic winter. A night in which some have somehow erected such a gigantic floodlight to overpower the darkness with the loudness of its light, creating an unnatural and false brightness that never grows dim, and thus, a world that fakes the absence of darkness. 

The night reveals to us what lies hidden in the day but nonetheless remains, undoubtedly, a reality of our world. The night reveals to us the stars that occupy the universe insofar as we keep our floodlights switched off. While the stars in the sky form a beautiful sight, what is made visible to us in our interior darkness form, more often than not, the ugliest sight we would rather shun away from or make invisible by covering them up with our floodlights.

Yet, to be made increasingly perfect in Christ, to be trekking along this tedious and arduous route towards our life's destination, we need, more so, the courage and sensibility to accept and remain in the dark and observe all that is shining out and calling for our attention. Be it a relationship not mended, a hurt not forgiven, an encouragement or word of thanks not uttered. 

In a nutshell, what are the things that are causing you and I that lousy, prickly, uncomfortable, heavy feeling that we seem to be dragging helplessly around across night and day? How have we been reacting to these "stars" that are shining at us, calling for our attention and action? Will our choice be to embark seriously on a reflection on those "stars" or to turn up the floodlights, surround my life with the awesome and powerful "Dolby sound system" that may be disguised as working overtime to finish my work, sleeping excessively, meeting up with friends everyday for a sumptuous meal to "pamper" myself...? All these distractions fake the "stars'" absence and it is natural to slowly but surely forget their existence altogether.

In every darkness, there is a star or more to be noticed and studied by the astrologers. In every dark spot of our lives lie a blockage to be noticed, dug into and ironed out, and which keeps out our peace and joy until the channel is cleared. 

The thing is... How courageous do we want to be in the darkness of our lives?

A New Presence

This afternoon, I attended the wake of my former student, who has been in a coma for a little over a year. His sister came over to me. We've met just a few times when I visited at the hospice. She said she's a little sad. I found myself saying to her, "Kor kor will still be seeing you... from heaven. And you'll still get to see him. Just that, this time, you'll see him in your heart."A new way of being present to each other. No longer physically but in spirit. The same person, the same love, the same importance and intimate relationship, taking on a different form of be-ing.

Partings are never easy when one shares in a deep relationship with the other. And I believe it was the same for the apostles and the women we see in the Gospels in the time between Jesus' death and resurrection; the sudden dramatic departure of their Master brought them a deep sadness and loss. But there came the Resurrection, Ascension and Pentecost. 

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In this series of events, the apostles and the faithful women had to allow the presence of Jesus in their lives to take on a new form. Moving from the familiarity of His physical presence with them before His death, then seeing Him in a form they could not recognise as in the case of Mary Magdalene outside the empty tomb and the two disciples on the road to Emmaus, recognising Him in their hearts as their " hearts burn within... as he talked... on the road and explained the scriptures..." (Lk 24:32)  and thereafter, being sent forth in mission, during which, in spreading the good news, in founding the Church of Christ, in continuing the legacy of their Master, they went beyond the need for His physical presence. For this presence is more than within their physical space; Jesus began to live anew in their hearts and is present in the very work they did, in their very lives, and even becomes the purpose for their living. They became truly one in union with their beloved Master, and what deeper union can there be?

Rome and Assisi are two very special places to me. I have been blessed to visit each twice. I asked myself if I need to go back again. It would be nice if I had the chance to but if I don't, that's alright too. I have come to understand that a physical absence does not mean that they now become any less dear to me or that I feel a weakening connection with them. They have taken a different form of presence in my life and more so, my love for them grows and concretise. They are now deeply and permanently embedded in a very special space in my heart. Whenever I get in touch with their presence in my heart, I am reconnected in a nostalgic reminiscing, treasuring with a grateful heart the spiritual transformation in those encounters which have shaped me into the person I am today. 

To be separated is not making smaller or less significant a person, a love or a relationship. 

Are there people in your life you hold really dear to you? And perhaps, for some reason, you are called to let go of an old way of being in relationship with this person so as to embrace the new? 

What was your response?