The Song of the Flightless Chicken

A young chicken laments to God...

God, I will spend my every day and every night complaining to You. And at times, I might even be so mad at You that I'll scold You. 

You have made me the least of all birds, with wings that cannot take me as high as the soaring Eagles, with legs too short to run fast like the Emus, with such plain-coloured feathers that look like a complete disgrace beside the Peacocks, a shame before the splendid colours of the Lories.

You have made my eggs fragile while the ostrich's can withstand the weight of a full grown man. My feet cannot take me gracefully across the waters like the swans or even my closer counterparts - the Ducks. You have given me no long beaks to savour the sweetness of nectar nor a hook to tear the meat of a fresh catch. No intelligence and good vocals to mimic sounds and speak like a Parrot or to sing like the Nightingale. 

No sharp vision to hunt in the night like the Owls, no flippers to shoot me through the ocean waters like the Penguins. I am without the elegance of the Flamingo and even the Sparrow's chirp that adds a pleasant music to a prayer space reminds me of my crow that sounds like Your creation-gone-wrong.

You have indeed made me the least of all birds and if that is not enough, my kind has become Man's daily diet. And even this is not enough to satisfy Your cruel desires for You have given Man the freedom to abuse me and rob me of my dignity. They cage me up in such a space they would call inhumane if they were similarly treated. They take away all my eggs and demand of me to grow faster than I can. They want my meat to be thick for the platter and when I cannot deliver to their expectations, they force into me the chemicals that make my body no longer what it should be. When the bird flu breaks out, they kill my family without blinking their eyes, which look upon me as a terror just because I am not on the brink of extinction. Can't their intelligence find me a cure instead?

How can I then stand in Your presence to praise You? How can I join with all of creation to sing Your praise and thanksgiving? Wasn't it You who caused me to be the least since You fashioned me this way? No, I cannot acknowledge Your goodness, I will not bow down before You.

God the Father looked at the young chicken with tenderness and love, picked him up and placed him in His arms. Then, He said to the chicken...

My little one, I have not created you to be any lesser than these others. What you perceive as inferior are not inferior in my eyes but are unique and special. 

Your feet that scratch the earth for food loosens the soil for air and water to enter easily. The plants are thankful to you. Your crow is not my masterpiece-gone-wrong but a deliberate addition to the vast sounds of nature, announcing the hope of a new morn. 

I have made all things good. Yes, you too have been made good because in your nothingness, I have made you humble. If you have nothing to boast about yourself, only then can you boast about Me. And then, I will be your pride. You can walk with your head held up for I breathed life into you only because I saw that you are beautiful and worthy to be a part of my creation.

You are not my failure and I have not failed you either. You have been chosen to nourish Man's bodies with your own, and their failure to respect you does not make you any less special and dignified. It is not your failure but theirs. 

So, little one, be who you are and take your eyes off the other birds that remind you of who you are not. You are not made to be like the others. You are made to be you. Be the best in all you are made to be because to live to your fullest potential is the most beautiful song of praise and thanksgiving to the One who gave you the gift of that potential. You shall sing not with your voice but with your whole life.

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Were there times you felt inferior and that God seemed to lavish His love and abundance upon others more than upon you? What is He saying to you?

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inspirations on a motorbike ride around a village and a 2-seconds glimpse of a kampong chicken trying to fly up onto a higher ground

Stop the Tantrums

Peter, the fisherman, was out at sea for a catch. An experienced fisherman he was. He sailed his fishing boat to the place where he would always enjoy a huge catch. He knew always to go back to that spot where the water was always teeming with life. However, on this night, Peter caught nothing. He was in disbelief and was disappointed. 

The next night, Peter went back to his usual spot, thinking that this night, the fishes would have returned. But it wasn't as he had thought. This continued for 2 weeks before Peter finally gave up and went in search for other good fishing locations. It was only later that he received news of a ship wreck that occurred a short distance from his favourite fishing spot. It carried with it toxic chemicals, which were released into the ocean during the wreck. This sent the marine life away from the contaminated water and it was only when Peter started to venture further from here was he able to bring in larger catches. 

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Sometimes, when we are so used to visiting a certain location, a certain spot to draw life, we tend to always want to go back there because of the security and certainty we have been enjoying from always finding there what we are searching for. It becomes a place of comfort, of familiarity, of abundance. It is easy to become attached to the location, to cling on more and more as time goes by. But when a day comes when this location changes, perhaps because it no longer could give us what we had always enjoyed from it, we always find ourselves going through a period of insisting that it returned to what it was before, a period of refusing to let go.

Yet, sometimes, God does not mean for this location to be a place of permanence for us. Maybe He wants us to move on and go elsewhere. And it is a common question of why God puts us through such difficult experiences. It is never our task and ability to understand the way God works but in His wisdom, perhaps, what He means for us to learn is that nothing in this world is permanent. While we enjoy our possessions and take them to be our gods, we need to be reminded that everything is temporal, all is passing, and that only God is constant now and forever. God teaches us what is our true everlasting treasure, and the order of priorities we need to have if we are serious about seeking the truth and an eternal life.

To let go of false permanence is to free ourselves from the bondage we have with that location, with that possession. So that we are no longer trapped there but are free to move with the Spirit to where the real treasure is found.

It is undoubtedly very difficult to accept that something that was once life-giving may no longer be life-giving. For instance, a job that once filled us with excitement but has now become a dread, a relationship in which we were once happy in but has become broken and hurtful, etc.

What was life-giving before may no longer be life-giving anymore. But what is it that we really want? The location/possession or life? Is my life worth playing for? Is your life worth playing for? (see link for explanation) Sounds like a brainless question since the wisest answer is "yes"... but it is not always easy to choose life over letting go of something precious that we have lost. Yet, we can ask for the graces to love ourselves more so that we can choose life. We can ask for the grace of acceptance to accept that which is no more. Slowly, we can let go and be freed. 

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Prayer:

Loving Jesus, dearest God,

You know best how capable I am in throwing tantrums especially when things turn out the exact opposite of my wishes. You know what is best for me while all I can do is to stubbornly cry out for what I want, even when what I want is nothing more than a ship wreck in the middle of the vast open sea, no more of that beauty it once was. 

You have picked me up and placed me in a boat, urging me to row away from the wreck to seek beauty and life elsewhere. My gratitude to You for this at this moment remains as an obligation in the logical sphere of my mind but I hope in You still that one day, I will be able to thank You from the depths of my heart. But now, dear Jesus, now, all I want to do is to relive the moments before the ship was wrecked and hope that somehow, the broken pieces may gather again, rejoin with one another, and be restored to what it was before. I know that it cannot be possible but I still hope it would be. All I want to do is to pretend that the ship was never wrecked and that I can continue to enjoy sailing in it. Again, it's impossible.

In times like these, when I am crippled by my hurt and pain, stubbornness and inordinate attachments, I have nothing in me that can possibly act according to wisdom's directions. My only hope is in You, my Lord. That while I throw my tantrums and cling on to my attachments, that You will take the rope of the boat You have set me in and pull me away from the wreck. You who walk on water and have everything as You will, pull me away from the wreck. Never mind my tantrums and immaturity because one day, I shall arrive at the greater beauty You have planned out for me, and then  I will stop my tantrums.

But let me not wait for that moment... but trust right now that this greater beauty awaits me. It will surely come because my boat is pulled by You and no other, not even myself. Turn my eyes away from the wreck, accepting it for what it is and for what it can no longer be. Help me to give up hoping for what is not possible. Not possibly because Your love for me is too great to give me what is less than perfect. Help me to accept, to let go, to trust, and to let You bring me to where You will. Help me, dear Jesus, to surrender and be free. 

Amen.

A Stupid Love like Christ's

Elle and Jerald fell for each other and they were happy in each other's company. They communicated everyday and the special moments together became good memories. The relationship was going smoothly and was looking very promising until one day, Elle found out that Jerald was lying to her all these while. He actually had another sweetheart who he was making long term plans with. 

The discovery came as a complete shock to Elle, and perhaps even for Jerald, who did not seem to have any intention of being honest about what was truly real for him. Elle was devastated. So many questions ran through her mind, tears shed, so many different emotions to grapple with. Being deliberately kept in the dark, she had no clue that what she had thought was so real in her life was actually just a dream she was then being forced to wake up from. 

In her devastation, Elle decided that she could move on with her life while still loving Jerald, and that she did not have to force herself to hate him or remain angry with him. It took her a few days but eventually, she forgave Jerald for the hurt he had caused. Till the last minute, she was still hoping that he would forego the other girl for her. She was still praying for him and his well being, missing the times they spent together, while at the same time enduring the pain of the broken dreams she had for the relationship.

For any person who has a logical mind, Elle is plain stupid. I cannot understand her continued hopes for a future with a person who does not take care of her heart. I cannot understand the softness of her heart. After being completely fooled, how was it that she still refused to hate him but instead, consciously chose to forgive and love him still? Even if she does not hate him, would it not be more logical for her to keep him out of her mind and heart, and not even think of him at all? How could she continue to open her heart to him and desire to be in a relationship with him?

But for a person who has chosen love - and love is a choice, not a feeling - the heart is always the dominating and ruling party. While Elle's mind can rationalise and list out all the flaws of Jerald and conclude that he is not worth her love, this is not how the heart functions. The heart is incapable of judging, incapable of rationalising. The heart is only capable of love. And when one chooses to love, one chooses to operate from the heart. But the big risk of doing this is that the heart is made completely vulnerable and subjected to being hurt. 

And yet, is this not a resemblance of God's love? The illogical God I have come to know? I, too, cannot understand God's love for mankind. I cannot understand His love for me and His continued desire to be in relationship with me. Logically, He should be listing out all my sins and judging me and concluding that I, too, am not worthy of His love. And no matter how much He does for me and how long He waits for me, there is never going to be a day of my life when I will be sinless and I am not going to pierce His head with the crown of my sins. Yet, He continues to await me, continues to welcome me home into His embrace each time I wander far from Him. He continues to overlook my unfaithfulness, my infidelity, my lies that I love Him but after which I go playing around with other more "attractive" things in life. If God were to love me with His mind, I would be eternally dead without a chance of redemption. It does not mean that I can treat God as a doormat, step on Him and then beg for His forgiveness. I have to be sincere in trying to do all I can for my relationship with Him too. Similarly, Elle's continued love for Jerald does not mean she subjects herself to being his doormat because Jesus also taught us to love our neighbours as ourselves. We are to love ourselves too. If being with Jerald is not life-giving to her, then she needs to choose to live a separate life from him. This does not mean she has to stop loving him. But this love has to take on a different face. No longer a love that demands to be together but a love that sincerely wishes good for him, a love that is willing to let go, a love that is willing to keep him in continued prayers. A love that accepts that there is nothing more it can do for the other and that prayer is the best and the last possible expression of itself. 

Looking at Elle, perhaps my only remaining sentiment is that of surrendering. I cannot understand her love for Jerald and perhaps, love is not something we can understand. Perhaps, love is not something that needs our understanding. Looking at another suffering for love, I need to put aside my logical and practical ways. No doubt, Elle will receive the healing she needs because with such an open heart, God can pour into it His healing graces far more easily than if it were a heart closed and hardened with anger and hatred. Elle will become a more compassionate person because she will understand the pain of others in similar experiences. But in the meantime, as she goes through the grieving process of this loss (the logical mind will call it a good loss), it is not for anyone to judge her either for "stupidly" choosing to love because in this loving, she is truly becoming more and more into the image and likeness of Christ. 

The Narrow Door

Yesterday's noon Mass was presided by Jesuit Father Mark Raper. One of the things he said that caught my attention was that the narrow door that Jesus speaks about in the Gospel is none other than Jesus Himself. Jesus is the door. The shape of the door is the shape of Jesus. To enter through the narrow door, we need to see this door and conform our lives to the shape of this door.

People often remark that when married couples spend many years living together, they begin to look like each other more and more... after 20, 40, even 60 years. I believe they mean more than a physical resemblance of their looks. Mannerisms, characters... will grow to be more similar, if they allow the other to shape their lives. Looking, somehow, leads one to mimic. Subconsciously. 

Everyday, if we look at Jesus, in the Gospels, in the faces of the poor and suffering, in the faces of the happy and simple, the humble and meek, if we look at Him on the crucifix... If we look at Jesus everyday, throughout each day, if we allow Him to shape our lives, if we allow ourselves to be conformed to Him, to change to be like Him, there is no doubt - absolutely none - that we will grow to become more and more like Him. In compassion, in love, in forgiveness, humility, generosity... We will grow and find life in Christ. And this is truly what it means to live, to choose life and not death. To live in goodness. To live a wholesome and fulfilling life. 

The challenge and the question is thus... To keep our eyes fixed upon Jesus means to give up looking at other more attractive, more pleasurable, more exciting things (or people). It is to say 'no' to distractions and be single-minded about the real focus of our lives. It is a decision we have to make and a decision we have to renew each day, each moment. Are we willing to draw back all our attention from all our distractions and channel them unto God? To shape our lives not to any other doors or objects or people but precisely to the shape of Jesus? 

Today, I hope you join me in praying and asking God for this grace - to be focused and single-minded about God. And in all our temptations, may we always turn to Mary and say, "Mary, help us. Let us never lose our God. Amen."

The Magis City Tour - Safe to Be?

In the Magis experience in Salvador, a city tour made on foot was one of the items on the itinerary. Without much knowledge about the city or the nature of the city tour, we set out. We formed a long chain of pilgrims, cheering, singing and talking along the way. It was a tremendously long walk, in which I felt most prominently a very strong sense of security. 

In Singapore, where people say it is a very safe country in relation to other countries and cities, I do not have to think much about safety when I am out. Safety becomes very easily taken for granted. 

But during the city tour, there were military police lined up along the roads and who escorted us all the way. My awareness of safety was heightened and I really felt safe. I felt an appreciation of the city's efforts to step up their security so that I, along with other pilgrims, could walk with ease. 

Where was God in the walk? 

I was reminded of the day's Mass reading which affirms us that every strand of hair on our heads are counted. Nothing can happen to us without our Father's knowledge and approval. In the first reading, Joseph admitted that although his brothers meant to harm him deliberately, God meant good for him when He allowed the harm to happen to Joseph. 

Even when we are suffering, harmed or under threat, we are still in the safety of our Father's embrace. Ill for us is God's instrument to somehow facilitate good in our lives. In the reality of life's obstacles, it is hard to believe this. Not unless we know in our hearts this Father we have. Who is He? What is His personality? 

If having military police along my journey could make me feel so safe and protected, that even if someone were to try to harm me, these policemen will rush to defend and rescue me, then how much more secure than human policemen is my Father's embrace...!! There, where I will always be safe and protected in His mighty arms, I can rest secured that even in the downs of life, there is beauty and good. And even without understanding, I can be without fear and anxiety, doubt and despair. I can be free. No longer will I be afraid of rejection and abandonment, unfair treatments and hurts. Because I am at home; home in my Father's arms. 

Where are you living from?
Within or outside of our Father's embrace?

Love Made Manifest

Today, I am blessed to have spent much time with people who are generous with their giving to me. Be it their time, food, assistance, companionship, medication and most treasured of all is friendship and kinship. 

I'm reminded and persuaded once again of the infinite goodness that God continues to extend to me through these people despite my inability to repay Him in the same measure. 

There is nothing more I can do than to surrender to Him my human finiteness; 
all that I wish to say that no words can convey,
all that I wish to express that no gesture can externalise,
all that I wish to bless that my humanness has no power to pour out. 

And as I breathe in all these goodness and be filled with them to the brim of my being, may I breathe out this same goodness onto others so that others may also come to encounter the God of Love and Goodness. 

God loved me today especially through friends and family. 
How has God loved you today?

Prayer - Breathing in God's Love in Nature

taken on 06 July 2013 @ MacRitchie Reservoir

Dear Jesus,

Thank You for this time with nature, 

for the love and life You breathed into nature, 

which I can now breathe into me today. 

Thank You for wanting so much to breathe Your life and love into me. 

Help me to open my heart wider to receive You without fear or resistance. 

In nature, Your gentle creation, in the secure embrace of Your love, 

may I be one with You.

Amen.

God in the Haze

The haze situation in Singapore has worsened in the last few days. If you, like me, aren't one of those privileged ones who can escape to Australia or elsewhere from the haze, by now, you might have devised some coping mechanisms to keep healthy in this hazardous condition. What have you done thus far?

Perhaps, you wear a mask when you go out but even so, no mask can possibly keep out all the pollution. People used to go to the malls to escape from the sweltering heat but even when I enter the malls this time, the shops appear blurry too. I guess we cannot prevent the air outside from entering since air flows to everywhere. If you are at home, you might have kept your windows and doors shut. But the minute you notice the gaps under your doors, you will realise that you are not totally safe indoors either.

In primary school Science, the kids are taught that gas is a form of matter that does not have a definite shape, thus taking up the shape of its container. It flows to wherever there is space. It is everywhere. And it came to a point where I asked myself... Where can I run to in Singapore, what must I do to keep the haze away so my health will not decline into another episode of respiratory tract infection? 

This question left me very much helpless because I cannot live without air but the air all around me is polluted. There is no where I can be free of the haze. 

In a way, God is like the air. As I felt helplessly surrounded by the haze, I was reminded of God's presence that surrounds me at all times too. There isn't a place I can go to exit the presence of God. It is easy without the haze to think that our air is without dust and bacteria. Just as easy as it is to lose sight and doubt that God's presence continues to surround me when I cannot feel Him near. But we wore masks and kept our distance too during the H1N1 and SARS periods didn't we? Even when the air was clear... because we knew... we just knew that the virus is in the air even when we didn't see it floating around. But when the hype is over, we let our guards down and forget that viruses continue to surround us. 

Do you at times feel down when you cannot sense God's presence? 
Maybe in those times, you could somehow trust that He is with you anyway. But for me, I need microscopic lenses to magnify the dust particles so that I can see them even when the air is clear. I need the microscopic lens of faith that needs no seeing or hearing or touching or sensing or tasting to know, to believe and to go steadily on in the haze, in the clear air, in every possible condition.

What about you?
Do you have faith?

Encounters with a Caterpillar - Part 2 - The Perfect Prayer

I have come to call this the "praying position"...
Externally, its 6 tiny hands do look as if they are brought together like praying hands.
But there's far more than what meets the eye...! 
If prayer is being in relationship with God, then isn't it in this stage of the butterfly's life cycle that it's praying best...? 
When it no longer takes the initiative to find food for its survival... but is completely reliant, vulnerable, defenceless, helpless, and focused on just being... just BEing.
This being of what it is made to be, in the way that it is called to be, at the time that it is meant to be, in total surrender to nature, which is God's scheme of things... without resistance or complain, without analysing or calculation, a total giving of oneself to what needs to be. To embrace death so that it may rise in its new resurrected form to greet the world anew...
A phase where it no longer consumes but allows all it has consumed to fuel its transformation... where it no longer enjoys the consolation of feeding but now draws back its consolations for strength in the continued journey... 

I sit once again to watch in amazement and anticipate the moment of transformation. 
I sit in admiration of how a creature so small and insignificant can pray a prayer so perfect. 
And as I sit and wait, let me thank God for the awareness of all these in this tiny little feller that I myself lack... Let me humbly plead that I too may somehow someday arrive at the perfect living of my creaturehood. 

Encounters with a Caterpillar - Part 1 - With the Haze

Today, the haze is thick and visibility is very poor. The smell of the polluted air is suffocating and it doesn't take a whizz to figure out that breathing in this kind of air is detrimental to our health. We may take precautions by wearing a mask when we go out, dropping eye drops to wash out the dust that inevitably gets trapped in our eyes, making them feel sore and uncomfortable. We will know better not to go outdoors for a game of sports or a jog (though last I checked, there were people playing tennis downstairs). We will know to keep ourselves and our children indoors, pray for a strong wind or a heavy downpour to carry the dust away from us. For we know that this air is bad for us.

But not always do we find conditions being as obviously detrimental to us as the haze. Some weeks back, I began this little mission of rescuing the caterpillars on my dad's lime plant. I keep them, feed them, shelter them until they reach adulthood and fly away. Not all managed to reach that stage though. Some of it being my fault.

Once, I fed the two caterpillars I had with the leaves from the plant. It was the usual thing to do, the same plant, the same type of leaves. And they ate the leaves. But those leaves, with their normal and harmless appearance, instead of nourishing the wormies became the poison that killed them. I was taken aback, puzzled over the mysterious deaths.

It wasn't until much searching through the list of possibilities that I recalled my dad making known his intention to spray chemical onto the plant to kill the caterpillars. And I had totally forgotten about it. What had seemed good and life-giving was actually a murder weapon, once consumed, destroyed life inside out. All because I had not examined carefully what I was putting into the caterpillars' mouths, and had not registered the warning given by my dad.

Often, the many things around us take on a harmless appearance too. An innocent and curious first puff leads to an addiction to tabacco. An advancement in career that appears as a good opportunity for personal growth ends up possessing our time, our lives and breaks down our family relationships. A good-paying job that promises us a better quality of life and a better future for our children somehow becomes the very thing that shifts our priorities to make what is less important more important than what is truly life-giving and important. A seemingly right white lie told to protect someone's heart is the very thing that breaks trust and disrespects the other's right to the truth no matter how justified it is. 

The contrary seems valid too. 
A nourishing Eucharist, the true presence of Christ is not valued and treasured, and we don't think very much of this humongous grace given to us, and thus, we do not claim the love that God intended for us in the Eucharist. 

Discipline of children now becomes something wrong for a child needs to be showered with every possible tender loving care. Discipline has been kicked out of the equation of love. 

Driving within speed limits is taken to be a sign of weakness, the grade of a lousy driver when in actual fact, the one who tailgates and speeds way beyond the limit is the one who fails to realise the preciousness of his life and the lives of others. 

What seems ordinary or bad may well be the very thing that builds lives, moulds character, nourish our souls, rests our minds, and gives us that experience of loving and being loved. 

What do we feed our lives with? With what is life-giving or life-taking?
Do we know what is life-giving and what is life-taking for us? Beyond the disguises?
Perhaps, the call is to pause for some stocktaking, to wash those lime leaves in water to see if it foams up, to pay more attention to the warnings, before deciding to consume or discard.

What in your life is nourishing? What in it is poisonous? 
What are you going to do with those that are poisoning you?
Will you continue to play tennis in the haze anyway?

Pedro Arrupe - Fall in Love, Stay in Love...

"Nothing is more practical than finding God, that is, than falling in love in a quite absolute final way...

source

Prayer - God's Graces

"Loving Jesus, 

Thank you for the desire to pray better, to seek You, to find You, to grow deeper in union with You. 

This desire You've planted in me to cling onto You despite how life's many demands are pulling me 

away from You. 

I don't have the perfect words to say to You nor is my heart in the perfect state to come before You. 

My mind a whirl that cannot rest and I haven't the perfect plan to craft a perfect prayer fitting for You. 

But my Jesus, You know all that is in my heart. Shed Your light of truth upon me and bring to light 

all that lie hidden in every corner of my heart. 

Teach me, reveal to me, guide me, inspire me, strengthen me. Help me in my struggles. 

I surrender my trust to You, stretching out my hands for Yours as Peter did when he was sinking into 

the water.

I place my hopes in You, calling out for Your divine intervention as did Your apostles when 

the storm threatened to overturn their boat.  

Increase my trust and faith in You. Increase my desire for You. Remind me and convince me that with 

You in the boat of my life, no storm or sea can bring me down as long as I let go of the steering wheel 

and let You take control. 

Embrace me in Your arms, dear Jesus. There, like a child, loved and protected, embed me deeper

in union with You. 

Amen."

My Room is Facelift-ed

Do you recall the last time you spring cleaned your room or your house? What was the experience like?  Tiring? Were there moments of confusion because you did not know how best to organise your space? How did you feel when the job was done at last?

I have just finished spring cleaning my room and I am now feeling extremely pleased with its "new" look. But it hadn't always felt this way throughout the 3 days of work. 

If you have spring cleaned before, you might have a different procedure from me. In fact, the way I spring clean has evolved over the years. 

source

Previously, what I did was to empty out everything in my cupboards. Everything was sprawled on the floor, table, bed and on every other available surface. Just imagine the mess! And then, I would clean the cupboard interior, air them dry and then begin fitting stuff in, reorganising the usage of each shelf and space. 

The biggest problem with this method was the sight of the heaps of things all over the place. Where does one begin? The sheer sight of the mess is a big put off. A stress-generator, which somehow manages to also jumble up the wires in my brain...! And I would be so pressurised to rush through and finish the packing in a day so that I don't have to sleep in the mess. Spring cleaning was always a stressful chore.

This time, what was different for me was that I cleared one or two compartments at a time. I decided to take it slow. The stuff sprawled across the surfaces did not appear so insurmountable. There were no avalanches and there were certainly spaces left on the floor to walk on. Occasionally, when I felt I needed a break, I went to my computer to chat or read or play a few rounds of Candy Crush. Interestingly, the process became less painful. It was alright to sleep with the mess around me for I knew I would get back to work on it the next morning. I took about 3 days to complete the cleaning.

I paused to look and re-look, plan and re-plan how I should arrange my things to fit my lifestyle and priorities. I recalled the most annoying clutters I had and realised how stifling they had caused me to feel in this small space of my room. I need space. I want space. 

Minimalist. That's the goal. And so... out went everything (well almost) that were not going to be used. I had to look at each item, consider its usage, consider my present needs, and decide to keep or throw. If it's to be kept, how important is it and how often will I be using it? That will determine which part of my room, which tier on the shelf this item shall be placed. 

I am actually extremely pleased with my room after its "facelift". 

All that clutters must be removed... and so now, space is reclaimed and air can flow more freely. There is a sense of refreshing that brings joy and ease. And what makes it even better is that the process was manageable. 

As I was clearing out the mess, I recalled Fr. Chris sharing about God reclaiming the space of our hearts for Himself... and that needs spring cleaning.

The most difficult thing about spring cleaning is the first initial step of opening up the cupboards, digging out the stuff there and taking a look at the messiness. It is far easier to remain oblivious to the surroundings and get by, even though we know it is high time to do something about it. 

Isn't this why many people, myself included, shun away from silence, from taking stock of what is actually there in the silence of our hearts? We are afraid to see what is there because to see the mess is to have to clear it. And the task of clearing isn't the most enjoyable activity we can engage in. And it takes time. A great deal of time and effort to work at it. Working at it means to forego time I can enjoy myself. Anyway, the mess has always been there. It doesn't kill. I've been living with it. I can continue to live with it. I function well in any case. 

The realisation I had this time was that I wasn't aware of how much I desired for empty spaces. It wasn't that my room was very messy (my mum would have made sure of it!) but to have things off the wall, off the tabletops, off the piano top. I never thought that it would have made so great a difference. But now that there are so few things, I realise how the little bits that form the greater clutter really was inhibiting and was consuming the comfort I felt in my room.

What is real for the physical space of my room is real too for the spiritual space of my heart. Could it be the same for you too?

It increases the conviction with which I shall say, "The state of my table tells the state of my mind," a statement I used to tell my ex-colleagues when I gazed helplessly upon the mess on my table on certain days at work.

Now that I have spring cleaned my room, it is time to look more closely within and spring clean the room in my heart. The room that needs to be constantly spring cleaned because it is here in this room I find and sit with God. If there is no space there, God will soon be squeezed out. If there is an avalanche, God will be hidden beneath the piles. And I will be screaming out for spaces to breathe. 

I do not have to be perfect overnight. A goal for an overnight perfection will only bring tension for it is not possible. To know that my conversion and perfection is a lifetime's work, and that each morning, I awake to continue working on the messiness of me, it is easier to sleep with ease amidst the messiness, and to be more prudent with managing my expectations. To recognise that everyone else is also work-in-progress, no matter what pace they're working at, helps to regulate my expectations of them too and lessen my frustrations towards their work-not-done.

I'd spring clean regularly in bite-sizes so that the mess each time isn't too overwhelming. I'd spring clean so that I can always feel the refreshing Breath of Life.

What in the clutter of your life might God be calling out for your attention? 

I am God's Creation

I am who God created me to be - a child of my Heavenly Father, once an image, a whirl of loving thoughts, etched in the Almighty's mind, in which I am that one in that great number of others whom He saw and chose to henceforth love with an intimate dedication. 

I am so loved with an unfathomable and unexplainable faithfulness which calls me beyond my sinful ways and into the continued discovery of The Creator. 

In the Father, I am His beloved child who rests in the palm of His hands, relying always and only, humbly and simply, on His faithful Providence. 

In the Son, I am His faithful disciple who chooses daily to renounce myself so as to follow Him in every way and be a radiant sign of His love for the world. 

And in the Holy Spirit, I am an instrument, completely surrendered to His workings for the greater glory of God. 

In all situations and at all times, God desires for me to grow into an increasingly deeper union with Him, entrusting my life without reservations into His Hands and making my every thought, word and deed an offering of love to Him, as I submit humbly, obediently and lovingly to His most Holy Will. 

~ 16 August 2011

The Internal Structure of Faith

Every human person is called to be a Catholic. But the important question is… what IS this call? Is it just a name's sake? 

To be Catholic is to be a disciple of Christ. It is to accept and live out our identity as a son/daughter of God our Father. At the core of these is the personal call of the masses (the whole human race in fact); a call to be in relationship with our Creator. Contradicting as it may seem. Because to be in relationship requires us to be connected and we cannot be connected without being personal. Hence, the call to be a Catholic is a personal call. God calls us by our names; individually, directly, intimately.

And what follows a call is a response. What follows an invitation is a reply. 

Being Catholic is a response; it is not a decision based on empty thoughts and visions, a belief founded upon nothing. We cannot reply and respond from the level of our intellect. Faith is not a product of an intellectual discourse involving my thoughts, feelings and ideologies. 

Bl. Mother Teresa said, "Prayer leads to faith, faith leads to love, love leads to service, service leads to peace." Prayer is not bringing our wish list to God and asking Him to grant them. Prayer entails anything that builds our relationship with God. It does include praying for people and situations because our desires are a part of us too and we bring who we are into this relationship with God but we do not take Him as santa claus. 

In prayer, we encounter God in a personal, intimate way and from this encountering, we experience Him as real and we also come to know Him and the infinite love He has for us that really does not make sense at all in the light of our constant unfaithfulness in our sinfulness. It differs from reading and discussing and listening to stories and Theology, all of which helps only to the extent of knowing about Him. I call it couple time… just as in any human relationship. It must be built upon personal encounters and an increasing knowing (not the superficial intellectual kind but in the deeper sense) of the other. Our response to God's call into a loving relationship with Him goes as far as our personal encounters with Him and to the extent to which we treasure, reflect upon and allow our God-encounters to internalise and shape our understanding of God. Rationalising cannot get us anywhere because God is far beyond our human ways. Our mortal intellectual capacities, however extensive it is, cannot bring us across infinity to reach this infinite and divine God.

The reason why I find it difficult to sit through Mass at times and why I get disillusioned from time to time is because I have been relying on external structures as the foundation of my faith, i.e. how interesting the priest's homily is, how charismatic the priest is, how nice the choir sounds, how respectable the pope is, etc. If the church is noisy, I lose focus. If the priest is boring, I start drifting. It is like a student who studies only when the teacher is interesting and nice. Then what happens when the teacher is not? Will it mean that I should fail my exams? Or should I then rely on my inner motivation to find resources, study doubly hard so that my results is not limited by the teacher's competence? 

It is an internal structure that most Catholics are lacking in. We are not taking full responsibility for our faith and are using every possible external factor to justify why I am not a good Catholic. You see if I am unfaithful to my spouse. Sure I can say that it is because my spouse has become so naggy, someone else is younger and more attractive and who understands me better than my spouse, etc. But suppressed beneath the carpet, conveniently out of sight, is the truth that it is still my choice and like it or not, I have failed to live out my marital commitment. If I truly am serious about my marital vows, then nothing and no one can convince me otherwise. The foundation of my faith will be so strong that no earthquake or catastrophe can bring it down.

So I think as Catholics, the question for us is the same question Jesus asked His disciples, "Who do you say I am?" Not who Jesus is to him and her but who is He to me? Not why is he and her a Catholic but why am I a Catholic?   

I do not speak on behalf of the Church. This is just my sharing in reply to a friend's thought-provoking email.